Showing snippets written by Mary Hinge.
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Win at scrabble
Scrabble players If you have a Q and a U, try to use the Q for words like 'Qi' or 'Qat'. This will free up the U for words like 'Bum', 'Mum' etc.
Revenge on garage mechanics.
Female shop assistants. When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed, and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction.
Motorway service station advice.
When visiting a Moto service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.
Old people get mugged for a lot not a little.
Pensioners please avoid being beaten black and blue for paltry amounts of money by carrying large sums of cash with you at all times.
Drunk drivers avoid losing your licence.
Drunk drivers when driving home from the pub,put 'L' plates on your car to convince police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience. How to explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you,
How to buy flowers without being called queer.
Gentlemen when coming out of a florists with a bunch of flowers, always punch the first person that you see to ensure that no one thinks you are gay.
Baseball cap numpties... look cool.
If your having trouble getting one of those baseball caps with the peak on the back? Simply get one with the peak on the front (available anywhere), cut the peak off and sew it on the back.
Interview tip for the unemployed.
When asked if you have any questions at a job interview, increase your chances of getting the job by asking the interviewer, or the whole panel in turn where they get their hair cut.
Top Gear Presenters.
TOP GEAR sidekicks,take turns to suck Jeremy Clarkson's dick and lick his arsehole.It would save you having to learn lines every week, but it wouldn't change the basic concept of your job description.
Eco friendly lables please
Supermarkets were advised to save money on printing by labelling your 'Economy' goods 'Shit' instead.
Scrot bag warning.
Men are warned to avoid any unnecessary scrotal surgery by removing any genital piercings before using the 'Black Hole' water flume at Butlins, Bognor Regis.
Financial advice for the wee Irish.
Leprechauns. Protect your finances by investing in a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it.
Cyclists you can Avoid getting a sore arse by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.
Always loosing stuff..... read on.
Avoid losing your house keys during the day by simply leaving them in the door as you leave the house in the morning.
Nudists you can keep testicles cosy and warm during cold snaps by popping your scrotum into a "string vest" made from one of those net bags you get with washing tablets.
spectacle wearers. Pre-pare for any forthcoming conflict by putting crosses of masking tape across the lenses of your glasses.
Prank epidemic strikes
Women all over the country are convincing their men that he's 'followed through' during the night by slipping a chocolate button between the cheeks of his arse as he sleeps.
Skid marks a problem...not any more.
To save embarrassment on washday, experts are urging men to place a strip of 1-inch wide sellotape in the gusset of their underpants every morning. This can simply be wiped clean after any unfortunate accidents.
Technical advice for over 18s
Leading eperts are advising male adults, who are unable to get a blow job, to strip bollock naked, plonk themselves arse-first into an empty dustbin, and do it themselves. Use a pile of tyres instead if you require deep throat
Love music? Then heed advice.
Music lovers are being informed to not waste money on expensive iPods, but simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
If you are ever caught in a volcanic eruption, remember to jump up and down so that your feet are not constantly in the molten lava flow.
Heroin addicts. Instead of getting up at the crack of dawn everyday to go shoplifting to raise money for smack, why not cut out the middle man and simply nick the heroin?
If you have no smoke alarm read this.
Reduce the risk of night time fire by soaking all your furniture with a hosepipe before going to bed.
Farting was never so much fun
A series of copycat farts following someone else's admisssion of guilt can compound the misery of the perpetrator, whilst simultaneously giving your bowels the clean out you've always dreamed of.
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