Showing snippets written by Timothy Jesuit.
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BBC Three accidentally broadcasts amusing programme
The televisual slagheap mistakenly aired five minutes of comedy last night. This error was soon rectified, leaving viewers with the usual "edgy" shite.
Ron Howard to direct "Frost/Blair"
The film of the cosy breakfast chat will detail the tense moment when Frost almost asked a vaguely searching question, but ultimately decided against it. Michael Sheen will somehow play both parts.
Welsh language "completely made up"
Daily Mail readers everywhere were vindicated today as it was revealed that "Welsh" doesn't actually mean anything and was specifically designed to annoy English tourists.
Man called Jack Daniels still trapped in bottle
"Seriously now, someone help me," the unfortunately-named japester insists, "there's very little oxygen left."
Man called Jack Daniels trapped in bottle
"Cruel, cruel irony" blamed for unfortunate incident as he pleads, "the least you could do is stop laughing and try to help."
Obama reveals new diplomatic approach
The president says he will "calm down and count to twenty" before making any important global decisions.
Pin-up's art donation
Glamour model Lucy Pinder's colon is to be loaned to the Tate Modern gallery as part of a daring new exhibition. The important digestive component will be returned at the end of March.
Ecuador opts for Clapton
Eric Clapton has been voted into power in Ecuador. The blues guitarist was unaware of his candidacy but has pledged to do his utmost to make his presidency of the South American republic a success.
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