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Westminster Goes Roman!
The inevitable division of Scotland from England has prompted UK Defence Secretary, Phillip Hammond, to build a new border wall between the two nations. Hadrian Inc. of Rome has been contracted.
Salmond Announces New Money!
Following his rhetorical speech on Scottish Independence SNP leader Alex Salmond has announced that the new Scottish currency will be in "neeps" and "oats" where ~~100oats = ~1neep.
Chips n Fries
Asian based UK fish and chip entrepreneur Ranjit Boparan has taken delivery of a consignment of "Fukushima" potatoes and fish. Glow in the dark fish and chips will be served as of Friday in London.
Unions Call For Arms!
UK rebel Unions have applied to the UN that they can legally take delivery of military hardware in their fight against David Cameron and his Tory henchmen.
Boys From The Budget Stuff!
Osborne - 50,000 new apprenticeships in? - Comedy, satire and spoof vacancies...!
Royal Wedding Equine Shock!
Kate Middleton's request to cut down on the "extravaganzas" of her wedding to Prince "Billy" has announced that Blackpool donkeys will pull the royal carriage from Westminster Abbey to the Palace.
UN FIFA Demands!
A new UN resolution has been passed to force FIFA president Sepp Blatter to stand down after, what seems like, 33 years in the post.
US Help Reaches Japan!
Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael led by Splinter and co-ordinated by April O'Neil with Casey Jones secure safety of nuclear plant at Fukushima.
PM Courting Trouble!
David Cameron is to appear at the European Court of Human Rights following complaints by Student Union officials that he used his "forces" against his own people during recent "fees" demonstrations.
Gaddafi Seals Den Deal!
Colonel Gaddafi and his five sons have brokered a deal to buy Millwall FC. The deal worth £500 billion to the club will see the Gaddafi boys going straight into the squad for the game on Saturday.
MP's Power Plant!
A wind farm planned for land near Westminster has been approved. The development will see a bunch of old cross party farts farting their arses off and will power a city the size of Glasgow.
Football Circus Antics!
In an effort to get the balance of his team right Liverpool boss, Kenny Dalglish, has got his squad training on unicycles.
Ex Forces Find New Focus!
Of the 2000+ redundant UK forces personnel all have new jobs with the Libyan Army, al Qaeda and as extras in the latest British comedy "Carry On Killing" at the newly revamped Pinewood Studios.
Tories Reach For The Stars!
David Cameron is to join the Federation of Planets who endorse his Big Society ideology. A self confessed Trekkie he has secured rights for the movie spin off and will pocket what = bankers bonuses!
English FA Pay Shock!
Under new Big Society FA pay guideline talks between David Cameron and David Bernstein, all Engish FA registered footballers will start playing for nothing come the 2011-2012 season.
We Have Rooney Pics!
Cornish paedophile ring members John Barrett and James Machin have admitted that they are in possession of pictures of baby Kai Rooney and are demanding release from prison in exchange for the pics.
Lockerbie vs Libya - No Contest!
Fleeing his homeland, self proclaimed militay man, Colonel Gaddafi has claimed political asylum in the Scottish village of Lockerbie where his Facebook and Twitter downfall started, trial pending!
Al Queda Avatars Invade Cyber Space
The CIA claim Linden Lab's Second Life is the new communication hub for terrorist organizations like Al Qaeda. Top avatars in the "game" include Osama bin Laden, Ali Atwa and Achmed The Dead Terrorist
Cross Party Agreement On UK Rule!
In a cross party Commons statement both Tory and Labour leaders, David Cameron and Ed Milliband, have concluded that the Bank of England actually runs the "British" economy via the USA via Area 51.
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has said he has "got off" in the accusations made against him saying "the leaks from my penis are so intense, been put to death by the US would be my ultimate orgasm."
Osborne Weather Shock
Chancellor George Osborne is to retire from polotics after his TV interview about the decline in the UK economy which he blames on bad weather. His new post as a BBC weather presenter starts tomorrow.
Strike A Light
Residents of the state of Queensland in Australia have been encouraged to light bush fires to dry the state out by state president Anna Bligh.
BBC Bent Admission
BBC TV Sport have admitted that they had to dub the Darren Bent post transfer interiew after Bent could only say to reporters "me me me me me me me me me me me me...!" at Villa Park.
Anti Royalists Student Link
Following raids on the Queens facebook page by Anti Royalists an alliance between students and the group will see the monarchy is disolved by 2020. Opponents to the cause will face public execution.
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