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Official - Rap music is rubbish
After a three-year study, the Univerity of Chicago has announced what fans of real music have kown all along - that rap/hip hop etc. is rubbish.
Gordon Brown urges bank resposibility
The Prime Minister today urged banks to act morally and responsibly over director's pay. He also urged bears not to shit in the woods and clouds not to rain, and for everybody to be happy and smiling.
Tussauds Obama model "110% lifelike"
Hoards of excited women descended on Madame Tussauds in London today to see the unveiling of their new Barak Obama waxwork. The President is shown dressed for the beach, and is "110% accurate".
UK to be downgraded in satisfaction poll.
The UK, currently 28th in the league of countries people like living in, will be downgraded to 44th when results are published later. That will change living standards from "crappy" to "nasty".
Obama gives address to Congress
President Barack Obama has given his address to Congress today, as required under current legislation. The address is 1600 Pensylvania Avenue NW, Washington DC.
"Arise, Sir Slumdog"
Knighthoods for Danny Boyle and Dev Patel, Director and star of Slumdog Millionaire, in new Honours List issued today. Kate Winslet becomes a Dame and Nick Park becomes Lord Park of Plasticine.
Old saying proves correct
"There's Indians in them thar hills", they used to say in Westerns. Now it's true - Akash and Amar Patel from Gujarat State, India, have opened a grocery store in Keystone, Nevada, elevation 6,800 ft.
"Time-Team" runs out of time
"Time-Team", the popular Channel 4 show where Tony Robinson and archaeologists scrape mud from former Roman remains and usually find very little of interest, is to be axed from October, producers say.
Obama denies he is black
Barak Obama will insist on being called "mixed race" from now on. "I am equally proud of my white heritage as my black heritage", said the new President. The Rev. Jesse Jackson had no comment.
Darling's prompt action on bank bonuses
Alistair Darling, the Chancellor, said yesterday that he was seriously considering having a meeting to set up a working group to have an enquiry into banker's bonuses. It will report in 2009 or 2010.
RBS losses & bonus are world record
Losses for 2008 at 68% public-owned Royal Bank of Scotland expected to top £28billion. The chairman commented; "We are looking forward to a record-breaking obscenely outrageous bonus this year".
Lambeth is London's first crime-free borough
Lambeth was officially named as London's first crime-free borough today. "This will leave the police and PCSOs free to tackle the really important issues, issuing parking tickets", said a spokesman.
Mother of 14 children "pregnant again"
Single mother Nadya Suleman, 33, who gave birth to octuplets last month and already has 6 other children, has announced she is pregnant again. Doctors say it will be a multiple birth, maybe 3 or 4.
Balls "sorry" for sausage find horror
Balls Ltd. today apologised unreservedly to Betty Swallocks, 63, who found a pig's penis in her packet of Ball's Sausages. "It should have been minced up and added to the mix", said a spokesman.
Nelson's false teeth up for auction
There was excitement in the auction world today when it was revealed Nelson's false teeth would be coming up for sale. Mr Mandela is believed to have had new teeth made last year.
Never 'add it so good
It's not all doom and gloom in this recesssion - adding machine manufacturers report sales up 48% on a like-for-like, year-on-year basis.
Whispers from the House
Overheard in the House of Commons restaurant; "Gordon Brown is a shiite". The speaker was a Certain Serial Resigner and Dodgy Loan Arranger, a "homosexualist of the lowest order" to quote a friend.
Spurs sack "useless" Redknapp
Tottenham Hotspur FC have sacked manager Harry Redknapp with immediate effect and have installed Tony Adams as boss. A spokesman said Redknapp had been "useless". Adams is expected to stay 3 weeks.
New Reality Show slammed.
A new reality TV show, in which blind superstars are teased, has been slammed by television watchdogs. The show, "Blind Panic", is being made by Channel 4 TV and fronted by Dale 'Satsuma' Winton.
String vests "sexy" claim Glasgow women
A poll of 1,250 Glasgow women has shown that the string vest is the garment that most women would like their husbands to wear. In second place was the simple "wife-beater" sleeveless t-shirt.
Noel Edmonds arrested
Noel "Nodeal" Edmonds has been arrested when banking 'inconsistenses' were noted. It is believed The Banker has been bailed out with £13billion of taxpayer's money. Police are investigating.
British Pessimists Association meeting cancelled
B.P.A. meeting tonite in church hall is cancelled because nobody would probably show up. Next week's British Optimists Association meeting is extended to two nights and expected to be biggest ever.
3,000 Whitehall posts to go
It has been announced that 3,000 Government posts are to be axed. The posts, which line the pavements of Whitehall, were installed in the 1980's, are no longer needed now the 'Irish Problem' has gone.
Spring "must-have" cosmetics
Vole urine is the new anti-wrinkle "wonder ingredient" proclaims the cosmetics industry - expect to see it everywhere this spring. Also hot is "pressed rat and warthog cream", from Clapton and Baker.
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