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Official - Rap music is rubbish

After a three-year study, the Univerity of Chicago has announced what fans of real music have kown all along - that rap/hip hop etc. is rubbish.

written by NODDY, 05 March 2009
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Gordon Brown urges bank resposibility

The Prime Minister today urged banks to act morally and responsibly over director's pay. He also urged bears not to shit in the woods and clouds not to rain, and for everybody to be happy and smiling.

written by NODDY, 28 February 2009
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Tussauds Obama model "110% lifelike"

Hoards of excited women descended on Madame Tussauds in London today to see the unveiling of their new Barak Obama waxwork. The President is shown dressed for the beach, and is "110% accurate".

written by NODDY, 27 February 2009
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UK to be downgraded in satisfaction poll.

The UK, currently 28th in the league of countries people like living in, will be downgraded to 44th when results are published later. That will change living standards from "crappy" to "nasty".

written by NODDY, 26 February 2009
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Obama gives address to Congress

President Barack Obama has given his address to Congress today, as required under current legislation. The address is 1600 Pensylvania Avenue NW, Washington DC.

written by NODDY, 25 February 2009
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"Arise, Sir Slumdog"

Knighthoods for Danny Boyle and Dev Patel, Director and star of Slumdog Millionaire, in new Honours List issued today. Kate Winslet becomes a Dame and Nick Park becomes Lord Park of Plasticine.

written by NODDY, 23 February 2009
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Old saying proves correct

"There's Indians in them thar hills", they used to say in Westerns. Now it's true - Akash and Amar Patel from Gujarat State, India, have opened a grocery store in Keystone, Nevada, elevation 6,800 ft.

written by NODDY, 19 February 2009
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"Time-Team" runs out of time

"Time-Team", the popular Channel 4 show where Tony Robinson and archaeologists scrape mud from former Roman remains and usually find very little of interest, is to be axed from October, producers say.

written by NODDY, 14 February 2009
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Obama denies he is black

Barak Obama will insist on being called "mixed race" from now on. "I am equally proud of my white heritage as my black heritage", said the new President. The Rev. Jesse Jackson had no comment.

written by NODDY, 10 February 2009
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Darling's prompt action on bank bonuses

Alistair Darling, the Chancellor, said yesterday that he was seriously considering having a meeting to set up a working group to have an enquiry into banker's bonuses. It will report in 2009 or 2010.

written by NODDY, 09 February 2009
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RBS losses & bonus are world record

Losses for 2008 at 68% public-owned Royal Bank of Scotland expected to top £28billion. The chairman commented; "We are looking forward to a record-breaking obscenely outrageous bonus this year".

written by NODDY, 08 February 2009
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Lambeth is London's first crime-free borough

Lambeth was officially named as London's first crime-free borough today. "This will leave the police and PCSOs free to tackle the really important issues, issuing parking tickets", said a spokesman.

written by NODDY, 07 February 2009
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Mother of 14 children "pregnant again"

Single mother Nadya Suleman, 33, who gave birth to octuplets last month and already has 6 other children, has announced she is pregnant again. Doctors say it will be a multiple birth, maybe 3 or 4.

written by NODDY, 07 February 2009
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Balls "sorry" for sausage find horror

Balls Ltd. today apologised unreservedly to Betty Swallocks, 63, who found a pig's penis in her packet of Ball's Sausages. "It should have been minced up and added to the mix", said a spokesman.

written by NODDY, 07 February 2009
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Nelson's false teeth up for auction

There was excitement in the auction world today when it was revealed Nelson's false teeth would be coming up for sale. Mr Mandela is believed to have had new teeth made last year.

written by NODDY, 06 February 2009
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Never 'add it so good

It's not all doom and gloom in this recesssion - adding machine manufacturers report sales up 48% on a like-for-like, year-on-year basis.

written by NODDY, 02 February 2009
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Whispers from the House

Overheard in the House of Commons restaurant; "Gordon Brown is a shiite". The speaker was a Certain Serial Resigner and Dodgy Loan Arranger, a "homosexualist of the lowest order" to quote a friend.

written by NODDY, 02 February 2009
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Spurs sack "useless" Redknapp

Tottenham Hotspur FC have sacked manager Harry Redknapp with immediate effect and have installed Tony Adams as boss. A spokesman said Redknapp had been "useless". Adams is expected to stay 3 weeks.

written by NODDY, 02 February 2009
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New Reality Show slammed.

A new reality TV show, in which blind superstars are teased, has been slammed by television watchdogs. The show, "Blind Panic", is being made by Channel 4 TV and fronted by Dale 'Satsuma' Winton.

written by NODDY, 02 February 2009
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String vests "sexy" claim Glasgow women

A poll of 1,250 Glasgow women has shown that the string vest is the garment that most women would like their husbands to wear. In second place was the simple "wife-beater" sleeveless t-shirt.

written by NODDY, 31 January 2009
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Noel Edmonds arrested

Noel "Nodeal" Edmonds has been arrested when banking 'inconsistenses' were noted. It is believed The Banker has been bailed out with £13billion of taxpayer's money. Police are investigating.

written by NODDY, 29 January 2009
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British Pessimists Association meeting cancelled

B.P.A. meeting tonite in church hall is cancelled because nobody would probably show up. Next week's British Optimists Association meeting is extended to two nights and expected to be biggest ever.

written by NODDY, 29 January 2009
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3,000 Whitehall posts to go

It has been announced that 3,000 Government posts are to be axed. The posts, which line the pavements of Whitehall, were installed in the 1980's, are no longer needed now the 'Irish Problem' has gone.

written by NODDY, 28 January 2009
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Spring "must-have" cosmetics

Vole urine is the new anti-wrinkle "wonder ingredient" proclaims the cosmetics industry - expect to see it everywhere this spring. Also hot is "pressed rat and warthog cream", from Clapton and Baker.

written by NODDY, 28 January 2009
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