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Labour Announce Brussels Seats Gain
EU News: New Labour have announced they've gained an unprecedented 15 more seats in Brussels. They won a minibus in a raffle.
Tom Watson MP in Libel Case
MP Tom Watson has hired solicitors Carter Ruck to defend him after allegations made during the 'Smeargate' controversy. Watson is to sue over the 'base slur' that he's a competent, hardworking MP.
Nadine Dorries: PM Apology 'Not Good Enough'
Tory MP Nadine Dorries has rejected Gordon Brown's apology as 'unsatisfactory', pointing out it's written in felt-tip. Sources at No 10 said that Mr Brown isn't allowed sharp things.
Lance Armstrong: I'll race one-armed in TdF
Lance Armstrong says he'll be fit for the Tour de France after breaking his collarbone in a crash last week. He said, I can ride with one arm - after all, I've been riding with one bollock for years".
Giant Prick Shock
Parents of an 18-year-old took over a year to realise he'd painted a 60ft penis on the roof of their house. That's nothing - it took the UK electorate a decade to work out that Gordon Brown's a cock.
Max Clifford Seriously Ill
Doctors treating Max Clifford have announced that he's 'seriously ill', suffering severe withdrawal symptoms. His illess is caused by having entered a second day without Jade Goody on the front pages.
WBC Protesters to Come to UK
Christian hate-peddlers Westboro Baptist Church have announced they are to picket a tobacconists in Basingstoke, UK, having completely misunderstood the point of their 'God Hates Fags' message.
GM Cuts White-Collar Workforce by 14%
Struggling car-maker General Motors has announced it is to cut 10,000 staff, all from the white-collar areas of their business. Some managers have attempted to dodge the axe by changing their shirts.
Welsh Honours List to be Considered
The Welsh Assembly is to consider developing its own Honours system. Reports that the MBE is to be named 'Member in Bronwen's Ewe' are as yet unconfirmed.
Bank of England Cuts Interest
The Bank of England announced today that the Monetary Policy Committee was no longer interested in the UK. Mervyn King said, "UK PLC is too far gone to save - we're investing in Zimbabwean Dollars".
Country Braced for 'Big Dump'
The UK is braced for a 'Big Dump' overnight, as PM Gordon Brown has his annual bowel movement. Chaos is forecast as last time he had one, he shat on the economy.
US Economy Shrinks 3.8%
The US economy shrank by 3.8% last quarter, according to figures released today. American waist measurements decreased by the same percentage. IQ's are up, as GW Bush is currently out of the country.
Nokia Reports Record UK Sales
Mobile phone company Nokia has announced a record 34% increase in UK sales. Reports are that the bulk of sales are to PM Gordon Brown, currently smashing three phones a week in uncontrolled rages.
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