Showing snippets written by Kozmik Ken.
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Tonight's TV Highlights
ITV 9.30pm: Celebrity Dog Fighting. Noel Edmond's Pitbull vs Bruce Forsyth's Staffy.
BBC1 11.00pm: Strictly Come Dancing on Drugs Semi-Finalists flail wildly after smoking crack
Men with mullets for me to punch.
Please apply to J. Prescott
Michael Winner masturbating into the Thames off Blackfriar's Bridge; Harriot Harman shitting on a tramp in Vauxhall; Chris Tarrant taking drugs in Kings Cross.
Kate Humble pecked in face by Oddie and King.
Horse-faced toff Ben Fogle released back into wild.
Charles rapped for fingering man in Hull. Victim says, "he slipped it in without me noticing."
Tories Tax Pledge
David Cameron has pledged to cut taxes for business owners to 1% should they win the next election. The shortfall in Treasury Coffers will be made up by selling the organs of the unemployed.
To avoid controversy when his chat show returns, Ross will be replaced by an animatronic puppet programed with the brainwaves of Michael Parkinson. The retired arse-licker is said to be delighted.
Big day for Boris
London Mayor Boris Johnson completes his 6 month bid to say the the phrase, 'around the ragged rock, the ragged rascal ran.'
Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole spotted kicking swans in Battersea Park.
Newsreader and Antiques Roadshow presenter Fiona Bruce spotted bullying fellow newsreader Huw Edwards in Oxford Street.
Portsmouth's Jermain Defoe was yesterday spotted dressed like a designer version of Albert Steptoe.
Rail Misery for Thousands
Thousands of commuters will today face misery on Britain's rail network as trains become increasingly shit.
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