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Tonight's TV Highlights

ITV 9.30pm: Celebrity Dog Fighting. Noel Edmond's Pitbull vs Bruce Forsyth's Staffy.

BBC1 11.00pm: Strictly Come Dancing on Drugs Semi-Finalists flail wildly after smoking crack

written by Kozmik Ken, 09 January 2009
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Wanted

Men with mullets for me to punch.

Please apply to J. Prescott

written by Kozmik Ken, 09 January 2009
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Celebrity Watch

Michael Winner masturbating into the Thames off Blackfriar's Bridge; Harriot Harman shitting on a tramp in Vauxhall; Chris Tarrant taking drugs in Kings Cross.

written by Kozmik Ken, 09 January 2009
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Nature Watch

Kate Humble pecked in face by Oddie and King.

Horse-faced toff Ben Fogle released back into wild.

written by Kozmik Ken, 08 January 2009
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Royal Rumpus

Charles rapped for fingering man in Hull. Victim says, "he slipped it in without me noticing."

written by Kozmik Ken, 08 January 2009
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Tories Tax Pledge

David Cameron has pledged to cut taxes for business owners to 1% should they win the next election. The shortfall in Treasury Coffers will be made up by selling the organs of the unemployed.

written by Kozmik Ken, 08 January 2009
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Ross' Return

To avoid controversy when his chat show returns, Ross will be replaced by an animatronic puppet programed with the brainwaves of Michael Parkinson. The retired arse-licker is said to be delighted.

written by Kozmik Ken, 08 January 2009
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Big day for Boris

London Mayor Boris Johnson completes his 6 month bid to say the the phrase, 'around the ragged rock, the ragged rascal ran.'

written by Kozmik Ken, 07 January 2009
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Celeb Watch

Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole spotted kicking swans in Battersea Park.

Newsreader and Antiques Roadshow presenter Fiona Bruce spotted bullying fellow newsreader Huw Edwards in Oxford Street.

written by Kozmik Ken, 07 January 2009
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Footballer Watch

Portsmouth's Jermain Defoe was yesterday spotted dressed like a designer version of Albert Steptoe.

written by Kozmik Ken, 07 January 2009
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Rail Misery for Thousands

Thousands of commuters will today face misery on Britain's rail network as trains become increasingly shit.

written by Kozmik Ken, 07 January 2009
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