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Icelandic Minister of Finance Quits
"The job is not as much fun since we stopped loaning money to anyone who could fill out the forms. And now the banks have collapsed, people act like I should have seen it coming. I quit."
Freemason Conspiracy Revealed
Document discovered in the south of France last month prove that the Freemasons have been unwittingly used for centuries to cover the true purposes of Wiccan priests.
It is equally true, but not as often noted, that people who live in rock houses should not throw glass. Statistics show this has happened far more often, and results in serious injury 25% of the time.
The World's Problems Solved!
Long time Bowery bum, Andrew Connell, woke up Thursday with the realisation that he knew how to solve all the world's problems. Too excited to pay attention, he ran in front a lorry, dying instantly.
Little Billy Benson exploded yesterday afternoon, showering his friend Dougie with six large watermelons. This amazing occurrence, while rare, is proof positive that seeds swallowed will germinate.
M-Theory Accounts For Missing Persons
Scientists have discovered that many, perhaps as much as 80%, of all missing persons are actually proof that M-theory works, and multiple dimensions are all around us.
Mad Cows Strike Back
Bovines today have joined together in protest of the McDonald's Big Mac. The protest which lasted until a local slaughterhouse sent someone over, has opened the way for animal protests worldwide.
Wimpy Found With Two Broken Legs
Wimpy, the longtime freeloader friend of Popeye, was found in an alley with two broken legs this morning. It seems someone wasn't happy about getting paid on Thursday for a hamburger today.
Wanted: Lost Satchel of Money
If you or someone you know has found a large brown satchel containing 53 thousand dollars in $20 bills, please return it to me. I left it somewhere near your house yesterday afternoon.
Price for Gasoline Drops Below Bottled Water!
Tumbleweeds, Oklahoma, yesterday, reported that the price for a gallon of regular unleaded gasoline dropped below the price for a gallon of bottled water for the first time in history. Film at 11.
Peanut Butter For Brains Recalled
Recent salmonella scares in the United States have prompt many localities to require a total recall on people considered to have peanut butter for brains. The move is for the protection of everyone.
Dieting the Fast Weigh
In an unprecedented health breakthrough last week, top dietary experts discovered that fasting, the act of going without food or drink for days at a time, is a fail-proof method of weight loss.
Obama Replaces White House Kitchen Staff
Disappointed by their complete inability to produce "soul food," President Obama has terminated the entire White House kitchen staff today. "This country needs change," he said, "But I want chitlins!"
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