Showing snippets written by jeremy griffiths.
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Chocalate money shortage
The imminent Euro collapse has resulted in a massive stockpile of chocolate coins held by Greeks. Finance chief Stavros Souvlaki admitted, "The currency is screwed, but we can at least eat the stuff".
Climate change activist chipped off pavement
Prominent missing Climate Change activist Biolene Gullible was today found frozen to death in Trafalgar Square wearing a bikini,tragically still clutching a banner reading "We'll never see snow again"
Emergency call for more CO2
As the big freeze continues the EU today called for an increase in Carbon emmissions in order to combat Global cooling."For god's sake chuck some more coal on the fire" the directive urged.
Snow cancels Climate Warming Demo
London: Climate Demo.postponed due to big freeze,"We are waiting for warmer weather" said spokesperson Miss Guided,for W.A.D. (We're all doomed)
Dyslexic Times "Tiger's 18 hoes"
Tiger goes 18 hoes with 2 hoes in one screams local paper, what the "l" says his manager, he loves his birdies.
Rubber omlette industry in crisis
The airline industry downturn has left ROI, the Rubber Omlette producer with egg on it's face as it scrambles to cut production. Director Igg Flan announced the closure of several plants today.
Boring Bono at Obama Bash
Boring Bono from Useless2 was making desperate attempts to self publicise at the Obama bash. O'Bama, also of Irish decent, was seen prising the aged rocker from his backside at todays party.
Korean car co. in jeopardy.
Troubled SSangYong Autos were today attempting to file for bankruptcy,"Just as soon as we can spell the name correctly on the appropriate forms". said CEO, SShang-a-Lang-a-Ding-Dong
Employees at Waterford-Wedgewood group today were 'shattered and broken' by news of the co's failure. Working with Wedgewood certainly is'nt all it's cracked up to be bemoaned Josiah Egg-Coddler (186)
RSPCA issues Cat care alert.
The RSPCA today issued a warning to pet owners after a man bought a tin of catfood and a jar of vaseline from Tesco Extra in Chipping Sodbury.
Rubber Omlette Industry in Crisis.
Rubber Omlette inc. Major provider of airline food, is in crisis following the catastrophic decline in air travel. "We're cracking up", bemoaned Cheesen Am, "The industry is scrambled, it's no yolk".
Deckchairs have been re-arranged at No.11 Downing St. The band have had their season extended and will continue to play on.
Footwear Security Measures.
Effective today, attendees at US govt. press conferences must wear padded Ugg boots with a 1 metre security chain securing them together. "Any colour is fine, said Dick Brain for Homeland security".
"Tables Turned" A Brighter Tomorrow!
A breathless O.P.Timistic, spokesperson for A.Darling announced today that "The Tables have been turned in the Treasury, the faded bits are now hidden, tomorrow is sunny, all our troubles are over!"
Baghdad Health and Safety to procecute
Serious charges will be laid by Baghdad H and S Bureau following the infamous shoe incident. Under s.83 para 5. socks (clean) are acceptable projectiles, but shoes (used) are catt.A.dangerous
Signs of World Economy Recovering.
The US government was today "optimistic" that retail sales were recovering after reports of the sale of a replacement pair of shoes in Baghdad yesterday.
Ripoff Madoff Fucksoff with loot
Aged Ponzi-Bastard Madoff (98) fucksoff with the loot. "Our Bernie", lovable old rogue, revealed as shyster who rips off charities, wealthy old farts, and eats babies for lunch.
"Euro your Boat - Fritzy"
In a barbed comment aimed at the Germans after they criticized British monetary policy, Alastair Darling suggested, "You-row your lifeboat Fritzy, we'll row ours".
Woolies stores are to be packaged into pic'n mix lots, four good ones, four average and a couple of duff ones in Wales and sold off at £145.00/sq.metre
Miley Cyrus:- GIMME an "S"--GIMME a "P"
Miley sings: Gimme me an 'S' gimme me a "P" WHAT'S THAT SPELL?? -----SMILEY CYPRUS!!------- The campaign is expected to bring a whole new age group flocking to the mediterranean isle.
Detroit, "Motown" now " Doh-Town".
"The Simpsons" scriptwritering industry move to Detroit has given the city a lease of life,and a new monicker- "Doh-Town'
As 4X4 sales plunge to record lows, is it "TATA" or "RANGE 'OVER" to the glory days at Land-Rover's Solihull plant.
Hummer to Bummer
General Motors have rebranded the HUMMER as The BUMMER in an attempt to get "sympathy" sales
Weightwatchers relocates to Nuneaton.
Weightwatchers have completed their move to Nuneaton Warwickshire. "It is both a physical and phychological move for us" commented M.T. Smeg- Kelvinator for the company.
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