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What the F*uck!!! Politics
There is a new leader of the SDLP - Clint Eastwood said "WTF, I had no Idea - it actually made my day" as the bemused Octogenarian dribbled onto a big hand gun.
New divorce ruling - Pukka pie shares up!!!
Supreme Court today ruling allows fat ex-wives to screw more cash from divorce settlements to buy more pies. Paul McCartnery was said today to be shitting himslef - Heather Mills is hopping for joy.
F1 Women Drivers...Tut!
Dizzy blonde F1 driver Maria de Villota recalls she crashed hitting a tree. "It wasn't my fault" sha said "I beeped the horn!". Villota has since secured a job as a lollipop woman on a one way street.
It's a Shame about Shane
The anniversary of 80's TV star Paul Shane who died last year was celebrated today. Buried 80ft in the ground; the vicar asked attendees 'How Hi di hi?'. the mourners replying 'Very Low di Low'.
Yum Yum - Chinese in Space
The intergalactic fast food war has begun with the first Chinese launching in to space today. 'Velly good' said a racist stereotyping observer earlier.
FIFA and...oh yeah..all that!
Whilst International eyes remain focussed on the controversies surrounding FIFA, it has been revealed that there are also various wars, injustices and humanitarian crises going on around the globe.
Blackpool Earthquake Tsunami
The Blackpool earthquake measuring 2.2 on the richter scale has caused the International Scaremongering Society to issue a 2.5 inch Tsunami wave warning in the baby pool in Rhyl Sun Centre.
BA Unions: Walsh...You Unreasonable Prick!
Hard done by, work 10 days a month cabin crew have rejected the latest BA offer to settle their ridiculous dispute. "All we want is the moon on a stick" said one disappointed soft cunt trolley dolly.
Robbie Williams Re-joining Take-That a big misunderstanding!
Robbie Williams will actually be 'joining for' Take-That as a welder on the bands world tour stage erecting team. "Ha ha, his career was fucked years ago" said Gary Barlow on hearing the press gaff.
Sick Squid - Psychic Octopus in the Netherlands
World Cup psychic Paul the Octopus is guest of honour at the Holland sqaud's home coming...as the centrepiece of a giant Paella. "He never saw that the jinx inflicting little cunt" said their Queen.
BP: Bend U.S. over the Barrell
BP has offered a fiver to anyone that shows USA plc has caused disasters in their lands to claim damages against them. Iraq and Afghanistan can't enter the competition, nor Iran - erm - just in case!
England Goalie offers BP related Olive Branch
Fuc*ing idiot England goal keeper Rob Greene offered himself up as a peace ambassador with the USA today by causing a frigging big spill the Americans won't be complaining about!
Wacko Jacko Quick Hit Smacko?
The 'Dead King of Pop' coroner confirms that drugs were found in his house. Class A found in his Living Room, Class B found in his Dining Room and Class 4C found in his bedroom.
Madoff's Lucky Escape
American criminal Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years for the $65bn fraud he masterminded this week. "That was close" said Madhoff on hearing the sentence "I thought I was going to get life".
Victor Meldrew is New Commons Speaker
OAP actor Richard Wilson is the new Speaker of the House of Commons with the sole remit to shout his tired One Foot in the Grave catchphrase 'I don't believe it' at any MP expenses claims and that.
Hungry for Pussy!
'8 out of 10 Cats prefer Whiskas' so we're told, but cat spokesman Jimmy Carr said 'We eat that sh*t because it's what we're fed - you notice 2 of our feline comrades prefer to go on a hunger strike'.
Buy Yourself Something Nice - Love Darling xxx
Trainee Chancellor Alistair Darling said today he will visit every home in the country and 'slip a tenner in the arse pocket of every honest Englishman' if they promise to vote Labour next time.
Mr. Kipling is going to get well laid!
After a decade of research, scientists have discovered the secret of how to get a fat girl into bed. 'It's a piece of cake!' they revealed at a press conference earlier today.
World Record Impatient 'Tut' is Smashed
The Impatient 'Tut' record was broken by 6.8k commuters at London's Waterloo Rail Station today after an announcement that a man had fallen on tracks to his death delaying trains by up to 3 minutes!
Slim Chance Fatty!
Fat women who 'eat all the pies' have been warned by scientists today that banging on about attending Weight Watchers meetings and drinking gallons of Diet Coke will not stop them getting even fatter.
McCain: You want fries with that?
Failed presidential candidate John McCain has announced he is 'going into fast food'. 'Why Not?' he said, Senator Ronald McDonald did nicely after he lost in 1968!'
Bin Laden - Why he hates the West!
Osama hates the West because of the 'Infadel' Mars Foods Group. He wants its owners to 'Die a thousand deaths' because they changed the name of his favourite choccie bar from 'Marathon' to 'Snkickers'
Fu*k waiting in that!
Experts have found after a 3 year, £89m study that if all vehicles stuck in traffic jams on the M40 during holiday periods were nose to tail, they would stretch from London to Birmingham.
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