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Microsoft advent calendar
Microsoft are recalling their Christmas 2016 Advent Calendar, as when five windows are open at the same time, it crashes.
Nigel Farage has children!
Further evidence of Nigel Farage's fascist leanings have come to light when it was revealed his children are called Zeke and Kyle.
Dara O'Brien comes clean
Dara O'Brien has admitted the reason his panel show insults the afflicted. "Everyone should have known," he said. "But because the titling company made a spelling error. It should be Mock the Weak."
Contrary to the popular myth, there are people who are not particularly special in the Special Forces.
The Dyslexics Christmas Party fire walk caused massive scalding among entrants after the pool was filled with hot colas.
Oscar Pistoris Advent Calendar
Bargain Booze are now selling Oscar Pistoris Advent calendars - there's a shot behind every door.
Heston's latest creation
Heston Blumenthal has unveiled his latest creation: Primordial Soup. "It's fantastic," he said. "You start with the basic soup, and by the time you've finished, you could have anything in it!"
After Tesco have revealed that they're in REALLY big trouble, and need a bail-out, another supermarket has stepped in to help them out. Well, every Lidl helps.
Ice Bucket Challenge Conspiracy
The Catholic Church has denied rumours that the Ice Bucket Challenge is a conspiracy to secretly baptise the entire world.
Restaurant needs weighty staff
Oppenheimer's Nuclear restaurant is looking for an overweight person as a new member of the serving staff. "We need a heavy waiter," said Robert, the owner.
Eastbourne Pier blaze
With the destruction of another iconic pier, this time in Eastbourne, it leaves the few remaining piers to carry the visitor weight. It's hoped they can cope with the pier pressure.
Brazil appeal to the UN
Brazil are to appeal to the UN claiming that Germany have hit them with a Kroos Missile.
Smart Phone Delay
Samsung have announced that there will be a delay in their next generation of smart phones thanks to a reduction in the amount of phone sex going on.
Adrian Chiles revelation
Adrian Chiles explains why he is so focused on cheating in football during his post match analysis. "It's cos my wife cheats on me," he said. Not really a surprise, if you think about it.
It's pronounced 'Jay' not 'Hhhhh'
Britain First have demanded that the Spanish pronunciation of Fajitas and Jalapeños be changed to pronounce the 'J' correctly, even though it makes fajitas sound like a thrush cure.
Armstrong to play Dumbo.
Alexander Armstrong says that he is overjoyed that he has got the part of Dumbo in the Hammersmith Panto. "It's the ears," he said with a grin. "I don't need prosthetics."
Change of tack
People with aquaphobia have asked psychologists to stop using flood therapy. "It's just not appropriate," said a spokesperson for the WHO.
Sparks and Mensa new clothing
Sparks and Mensa's new clothing range, cardigans that are worn only on the back, called Bacadis, have been recalled when it was found having five of them makes the owner fall over.
Boko Haram asked to change their name
Terry Reid of Procol Harum has asked Nigerian terrorist group Boko Haram to change their name. "When it's said with a Nigerian accent," he said, "it sounds too much like the band and it's confusing."
Conchita was always going to win Eurovision, they're biased towards transvestites; even their website was Eurovision.tv
Operation Yew Tree - latest arrests
Roger De Coursey and Matthew Corbett have been arrested as part of the celebrity sex offenders campaign, operation Yew Tree because they've been sticking their hands up bear arses.
Tom Daly refuses to dive
Tom Daly has refused to dive in the UK Championships in Workington, because it is a hard water area.
A therapist in Brighton has ceased using flood therapy when one client with chrometophobia walked away a very rich man.
Sparks and Mensa's ironic clothes range
The latest addition to the Sparks and Mensa's Ironic Clothing range are their super skinny jeans, that start at size 22.
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