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Limbs being traded
Doctors are aghast at the news that amputees are swapping prosthetic limbs for mindless sex with Asian prostitutes. Plastic legs are being paid for by Hong Kong tramps with little better to do.
Labour leader explains himself
"I said 'bite your bottom' that's all" shouted the Labour leader Dave Milibrand as protestors demanded he apologise for abusing them as they surrounded his flashy BMW outside the House of Commons.
Dentists looking to fill the gaps
Hungry dentists have taken to the street demanding a lift in pay and conditions as well as food coupons and video cards. Yes folks these guys are desperate and will do anything to overcome poverty.
Minogue in trouble
Queen of Pop, Kylie Minogue, has been arrested by French Police and charged with bad singing on her last single. "She is horrible and disgusting!" explained one French gendarme. Minogue is panicking.
Minogue under the knife
Pop diva, Kylie Minogue, will have record breaking surgery today when doctors will attempt to remove her vocal chords permanently, causing the loss of her singing voice. Music fans are jubilant. Yes!!
Minogue changes role
Pop queen, Kylie Minogue, has appeared as a contestant on The Voice, dressed as a man. Minogue did not fool any body, not even Will-I-Am who could tell it was her without turning his chair around.
Is there a Doctor in the house?
"How come I didn't get wet?" asked the doctor responding to horrible suggestions that he drowned a mouse in his surgery's sink. He will face the MOUSE COURT in a couple of weeks time. Great Scott!!
Mystery flight now solved
The pilot of Malaysian flight MH-370 had released a song on Itunes just days before he took off into oblivion. It was called "Geepers creepers where did you get that Boeing 777?"
Now we know it all.
Mice and men
A Church of England rector, David Althorpe, has been kidnapped by a gang of field mice. The calculating rodents are asking for a ransom of 300 kilos of Edam cheese and 400 kilos of Swiss cheese. Oh!!
Scientist and skeleton
A scientist has discovered a dinosaur skeleton under his bed. He was surprised at first until he realised he built the thing when he was twelve years of age. Ha, even scientists fool themselves.
Persons describing themselves as "wickedly boring" have converged on the town Huddersfield in an attempt to drive the local populace to tedium. So far two thousand seven hundred people have succumbed.
News just in
A Bolton man has admitted he ate his brother-in-law's fine dining chair. Saying "I ate it with shallotts done in a wonderful garlic sauce", the man refused to apologise because he's non repentant.
Fishing for PMs
An amateur fisherman has landed the catch of his life. Yes he caught former Prime Minister Tony Bair while fishing on rocks at Torquay. "Wow a live one that breed!" said the man excitedly. Ho hum.
Recently a man driving a vehicle collided with a van carrying a supply of flour. The vehicle driver absconded before authorities got to query him. Public are asked to look for abominable snowman.
World Cup change
The FIFA World Cup, due to commence shortly, has been shifted from Brazil to the small island of St Helena in the south Atlantic. "We'll do a better job of it" said the island's governor. For sure.
Good evening Colonel
Fun loving admirers of index binders have crammed the streets of Wolverhampton for the bi-annual index binder parade where boring, non descript people try to invent a form of excitement. Yeah, right!
Black is black apparently
A chimney sweep from Sheffield has been banned from particpating in a charity marathon because he is too black. "This would give him an unfair advantage" said the chief organiser. Run that by me again
Madness befits ex PM
In a fit of pique, former British Prime Minister, Tony Blair has detonated an IED under the Houses of Parliament in order to let them know how mad he is at the rumour mongering amongst Labour pollies
Blair and Nigel
Ex British PM, Tony Blair, has admitted he had an affair with Nigel Farage of the UKIP. "Nigel was most hospitable and he complimented me on my bottom" declared Blair. Farage refused to say anything.
Irational fear of spiders forces Armenian boy scouts to take up studying quantity surveying to improve relations.
Why do people bother.
No, no! Not me!
International airline carriers have introduced a new service whereby obnoxious fellow passengers can be shoved into a special chute and dispensed from the mid air flight to their inevitable demise.
In breaking news, PM David Cameron has demanded that British citizens stand on their heads for fifty six minutes a day in order to "encourage creativity". Mrs Ruth Poltus,73 from Repton, refuses.
Police in the US State of Ohio have been ordered to arrest all card carrying members of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers Fan Club. "These people are so unintelligent" warned one Government spokesperson.
Dog Throwing Legal
The Republic of Grotopofroof, situated somewhere in Europe, has become the first country to legalise dog throwing. This is a sport recently invented where dogs are thrown over a cliff to make money.
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