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Mr Nigel Crackenthorpe of Lentle Lane Wandsworth has finally worked out how to enter his two bedroom home. He unlocked the front door and walked in. He now will work out how to get out again. Serious.
Poets to be deported
Budding poets are to be rounded up and excised from the general population in a PR move by the British government. "Yes, they will be shipped to South Georgia" said a spokesperson for David Cameron.
Hitler's love child
A Latvian bus driver has confessed to being the love child of Adolf Hitler and Marlene Dietrich. "Ya, I'm the one and only" he cried. The man has been detained in a psychiatric facility for some time.
Charles' bravure on show
In a bold move, HRH Prince Charles has agreed to substitute the royal flag flying atop Buckingham Palace with himself in a PR exercise unequalled in history. He will be in a harness the complete time
Surgical breakthrough
A Swedish surgeon has made history today when he attached a penis to a patient's skull. "Yes, this is the first true dickhead!" declared the doctor. Assholes are now lining up for similar teatment.
Ferg 's role change
Sir Alex Ferguson has announced today that he will quit Manchester United to embrace a role as a female impersonator at a local strip club. His wife is well pleased he's "got a real job now."
Nuclear threat
Authorities are pursuing a man who is believed to be in possession of a thermo nuclear device he constructed with material bought on internet. Police are looking (extremley large explosion is heard)
Cameron first victim of immigration changes
British PM David Cameron is understood to have been deported under new immigration laws passed recently. Cameron's great great uncle came here illegally from Germany so Dave has to wear it for him.
Taxi ripped off
A New York cab driver has discovered that he is owed $27 million dollars in unpaid cab fares. Only about 1 in 425 people pay him their fare and the rest quickly run. May be he should get another job?
Biden on dancing show
American Vice President, Joe Biden, has announced he will compere Dancing With the Stars on ABC next year. Biden, a noted dancer around different issues, will bring a new dimension to the show. What?
Boris says it like it is
"I don't like pizza sauce!!!" cried a vehement Boris Johnson, mayor of London. A pizza vendor was trying to persuade him to buy her latest creation when he reacted to her insistent demands to try one
Nude gardener
"Oh, and you don't either?" replied Tibetan spiritual leader Dalai Lama sarcastically when queried about his penchant for gardening fully naked. He is unrattled by any innuendo about his bare skin.
Ethel the Frog
"If only you'd read the instructions!" cried the Chancellor of the Ex-chequer during discussions with the Prime Minister, David Cameron, on how to run Britain's economy. Cameron is still learning.
Veep Biden not happy
"This has got to stop!" cried US Vice President Joe Biden after a watch he paid $2500 for on Ebay was later valued by experts as being worth $125.00. Biden intends to emasculate the watch's seller.
Veep Biden not happy
"This has got to stop!" cried US Vice President Joe Biden after the meeting of National Security Officers he was chairing was interrupted by a vaccuum salesman who gained entry via a cleaners' door.
Veep Biden not happy
"This has got to stop!" cried US Vice President Joe Biden after the restaurant meal he'd just consumed was doubled in price before he finished eating it. The Veep has ordered in the National Guard.
Clegg to play Cromwell
Lib Dems leader, Nick Clegg, has announced his resignation from Parliament to accept the lead role in Ridley Scott's new movie about Oliver Cromwell. Some say Clegg is Cromwell incarnate.
Pitt in trouble
Gendarmes in Paris have arrested Brad Pitt, alleging he throttled a cockrel for the entertainment of passers by. "Man, I'm a star dammit" he exclaimed as he was led away in a Police van. Goodness me!
Pitt's chicken obsession
Actor Brad Pitt has confessed that he eats fried chicken when he is showering himself. "I goddamn love it man" he said before stripping off and having another chicken shower right there and then.
Man finally charged
Hounslow police have arrested a Brixton man after a 274 day operation in which they contrived to charge him with being a "no hoper" in the absence of any suitable law he had transgressed. Alright!!!!
Ugly man arrested
A Birmingham man has been arrested for being "way too ugly" in his facial appearance. A Police spokesman said that grotesque members of the public should be barred from appearing in civil places. Oh!!
Rubber band threat
Kim Jong Un says he will launch a rubber band attack on the United States if the US doesn't stop sanctions on his country. "I've got a million in my drawer alone" said the young tyrant. He's serious!
Police in revolt
Senior British Police are clamping down on low level corruption in the ranks. "No free chocolate bars for hardworking constables" their latest edict read. PCs are throwing bricks at HQ in response.
Man loses head
Russian doctors have surgically removed the head of a patient and implanted a prosthetic head because the recipient's face was too ugly. "He looks much better" said Dr Yuri Dragonslayer.
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