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Schools Introduce Capital Punishment
Hanging will replace detention as the main form of punishment in schools across England and Wales from November as part of new tough measures to tackle disruptive pupils.
Man Sues Zoo
A man from Rotherham is to sue London Zoo after being sexually assaulted by a hippopotamus.
Earth Gets Name Change
The UN has agreed to a sponsorship deal with McDonald's to rename Earth as McDonaldsphere. The Eiffel Tower will also be demolished to make way for a 900-foot plastic statue of Ronald McDonald.
Family Finds Nasty Surprise In Cornflakes Box
A family from Gloucester have spoken of their shock and distress after opening a box of cornflakes from their local supermarket and finding inside a live, fully-grown, adult crocodile.
Oil Tycoon Thinks Big
Texan oil tycoon Max Blocksberg is set to become hung like a mule - he's just paid over a million dollars for an operation to have his penis surgically swapped with a donkey's.
New Pill Goes On Sale
Men need never feel ashamed to take a communal shower again with the release today of a new pill, the KingKong2000, which instantly causes a man's penis to blow up to around six times its usual size.
The CineLaser Has Arrived
Top European scientists have created the CineLaser - a device that is attached to cinema ceilings and automatically disintegrates anybody who talks during the film.
NASA scientists were shocked by what they saw while looking at the surface of Mars with the Hubble Space Telescope - a group of aliens mooning at them.
Scientists Utilize Rodent Power
Rodents are set to power the cities of the future after scientists this month announced the development of electricity-generating mouse exercise wheels.
Corn Flakes Have New Free Gift
Cereal fans are in for a treat this month - each new box of Kellogg's Cornflakes will contain a fully working 17000 ton submarine.
'Abduction' Book Hits The Shelves
Planet Mars resident Kulogug Yuategog has penned a new book in which he details his alleged abduction by humans.
United To Go Out With A Bang
Manchester United will aim to go out with a bang in their final home game of the season at Old Trafford - the half-time entertainment will include the detonation of an atomic bomb.
New York Hotel Burns Down
No casualties resulted from a massive fire that reduced the 52-story Four Seasons Hotel to ashes last night. At the time of the fire, the conference room was hosting a fart-lighting contest.
White House Infested
Pest control experts have been called to the White House after the building became infested by prehistoric dinosaurs.
Edible Houses To Go On Sale
Homeowners will soon be able to bite off more than they can chew when edible houses go on sale later this week. The buildings come in a variety of flavours, the most popular being salt and vinegar.
United To Give Arsenal A Better Chance
Manchester United, who thrashed Arsenal 8-2 in Sunday's Premier League clash, have promised to give the London team more of a chance in their next encounter by fielding only nine players.
New Banana Goes On Sale
The world's first exploding banana will go on sale in supermarkets later this week.
Next World Cup Brought Forward
The next World Cup has been brought forward a year to 2013 after psychic Sylvia Browne predicted that the world will end on New Year's Day, 2014.
2014 World Cup to be Played Underwater
The world's top footballers are set to put in extra swimming practice after FIFA announced this week that the 2014 World Cup will be held at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.
Fabio Capello Makes Denial
England football coach Fabio Capello has denied that he had sex with a horse on Sunday night - despite not being accused of doing so.
George Bush Makes Charity Donation
Former President George Bush has donated his eyebrows to a charity auction raising money for the Save The Whales organisation.
New Ecological Vehicle Goes on Sale
The most ecological vehicle in history goes on sale today: the Ford Priapism, which runs entirely on M&M's. The car doesn't come cheap, however - buyers will have to stump up a cool $50 million.
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