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Judy Dench Trips Outside West End Theatre
Dame Judy Dench was rushed to hospital after tripping outside a West End Theatre on Thursday. "She thought she was Catwoman and tried to climb up the wall" said a close friend. "I blame the Ecstasy"
Life Of Katona's Husband To Be Made Into Film
Kerry Katona's husband Maaark's childhood in the slums of Manchester, his years as a Taxi driver and search for the "proper loaded" love of his life will be made into a film - "Slap-Head Millionaire"
BREAKING NEWS - Gordon Brown Removes Dundee from Google Street View
Gordon Brown has demanded that Google remove all its Street View images of Osama Bin Laden in Dundee, after it was bombarded with one complaint that it infringed the mass murderer's civil liberties.
Heston Blumenthal Renames Fat Duck
Heston Blumenthal announced today that following the recent cantamination of his Bray restaurant, he would be renaming it "The Mucky Duck" - this one's for you Skoob and Buck!
Robo-Auditors To Track Down Toxic Bankers
Alastair Darling has announced that he will send 200 robotic auditors equipped with tiny pollution sensors and pincers, into UK Banks to track down toxic debts and rip off bankers balls. Bring it on!
Obama Apologises for "Disabled People Are Crap Bowlers" Gaffe
Barack Obama has apologised for describing his 129 bowling score as 'like the Special Olympics' on Jay Leno's "Tonight Show." "George Bush told me it would get a laugh" he explained.
Eastenders' Mitchell Brothers Appear In Court on Assault Charge
Peggy Mitchell's wayward sons, Phil and Grant, who have been absent from the top-rated soap on and off for years, made a shocking appearance in court this week - poking out of Amy Winehouse's dress.
Madonna and Kate Winslet Look Just Like Twins
50-year-old Madonna was a dead ringer for Oscar winner Kate Winslet(33)as she had dinner in New York with pal Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah right! and Joan Rivers looks like Miley Cyrus's kid sister!
London Motor Show Cancelled
The Society of Motor Manufacturers and Traders announced today that it cannot afford to run its annual Motor Show this year, since Kerry Katona stopped buying cars for her husband.
Fergie To Go To Benfica
Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, is said to be "delighted" after finding a fantastic deal of £450 per person on an all-inclusive fortnight in Portugal with her girls.
Spendthrift Jacko Announces 50 More UK Dates
Self-styled King of Pop, Michael Jackson has been forced to add 50 additional dates to his UK comeback - after blowing $120 million at the sale of Gianni Versace's house and contents.
Pope Tells Spoof Writers "You're All Damned!"
The Pope announced today that some people go to heaven and become stars in the sky when they die, but ALL spoof writers are damned and will be going straight to hell. Oh shit! Would a "sorry" help?
Shetty Rushes to Visit Jade Goody
Following the announcement that Jade Goody has 'only days to live' Shilpa Shetty has confirmed that she will travel to the UK see her next week - overland by elephant!
Blumenthal Sets Cat Amongst the Pigeons
Heston Blumenthal has outraged a group of celebrities by serving live pigeons in a big pie. "It's outrageous" complained grumpy diner, Craig Revel Horwood. "It clearly stated blackbirds on the menu".
O'Leary Bonds With Jacko
Dermot O'Leary has revealed that he "bonded" with Michael Jackson during the singer's appearance in London earlier this week. "I stood a little too close to him and stuck to the embalming fluid!".
Mandelson's Dry Cleaner 'Unphased' by Green Custard
Peter Mandelson's dry cleaner has told reporters that getting green custard out of his suit will be 'no problem'. Peter's one of our regulars - his suit gets spattered most Saturday nights.
Jack Tweed Plans Pro-Celebrity Golf Tournament
Jade Goody's husband, Jack Tweed is to organise a golf tournament to help raise funds for her boys. He told reporters "Jade said I should do something I'm good at and I'm a natural with a golf club"
Corrie Easter Gay Shocker!
Granada Television has confirmed that it is set to shock viewers on Good Friday when it screens a saucy gay encounter between Gayle's dad Ted and newsagent Norris Cole. Norris Cole gay? - a shock?
Brown and Straw's 'Endless Love' Will NOT Be Screened
Downing Street sources have confirmed that Gordon Brown and Jack Straw's karaoke duet 'Endless Love' at Jade Goody's wedding will NOT be screened by Living TV next week.
Katona's Brain Sucked Out During Liposuction
Kerry Katona's husband has revealed that she slurs her words because surgeons accidentally sucked her brain out during routine liposuction on her face. "They managed to put it back in though" he said.
Come on Jarvis - Come Home and Show 'em your Arse!
With the number of sanctimonious, hypocritical, obscenely wealthy celebrities increasing by the day, isn't it about time geeky 90's hero Jarvis Cocker returned to Britain and showed them his arse?
"My Hair is NOT Receding" says Law.
Jude Law, once voted the Most Beautiful Man in North London, has reacted furiously to suggestions that his hair is receding. "Any idiot can see that my forehead has got bigger" he declared.
"Sienna's No Slut" say Vandals
Vandals who sprayed slut and the sign of satan on the wall of luscious adulterer Sienna Miller have admitted it was a mistake on their part. They had thought it was Ann Widdicombe's gaff. Sorry Si!
Katona - Inland Revenue Demands Their "Pound of Flesh"
Kerry Katona has been admitted to a private clinic to have enough flesh removed to pay off her outstanding £82,000 tax bill. Whatever is left over will be donated to her favourite charity.
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