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Judy Dench Trips Outside West End Theatre

Dame Judy Dench was rushed to hospital after tripping outside a West End Theatre on Thursday. "She thought she was Catwoman and tried to climb up the wall" said a close friend. "I blame the Ecstasy"

written by Mrs Kensington, 21 March 2009
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Life Of Katona's Husband To Be Made Into Film

Kerry Katona's husband Maaark's childhood in the slums of Manchester, his years as a Taxi driver and search for the "proper loaded" love of his life will be made into a film - "Slap-Head Millionaire"

written by Mrs Kensington, 21 March 2009
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BREAKING NEWS - Gordon Brown Removes Dundee from Google Street View

Gordon Brown has demanded that Google remove all its Street View images of Osama Bin Laden in Dundee, after it was bombarded with one complaint that it infringed the mass murderer's civil liberties.

written by Mrs Kensington, 20 March 2009
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Heston Blumenthal Renames Fat Duck

Heston Blumenthal announced today that following the recent cantamination of his Bray restaurant, he would be renaming it "The Mucky Duck" - this one's for you Skoob and Buck!

written by Mrs Kensington, 20 March 2009
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Robo-Auditors To Track Down Toxic Bankers

Alastair Darling has announced that he will send 200 robotic auditors equipped with tiny pollution sensors and pincers, into UK Banks to track down toxic debts and rip off bankers balls. Bring it on!

written by Mrs Kensington, 20 March 2009
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Obama Apologises for "Disabled People Are Crap Bowlers" Gaffe

Barack Obama has apologised for describing his 129 bowling score as 'like the Special Olympics' on Jay Leno's "Tonight Show." "George Bush told me it would get a laugh" he explained.

written by Mrs Kensington, 20 March 2009
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Eastenders' Mitchell Brothers Appear In Court on Assault Charge

Peggy Mitchell's wayward sons, Phil and Grant, who have been absent from the top-rated soap on and off for years, made a shocking appearance in court this week - poking out of Amy Winehouse's dress.

written by Mrs Kensington, 19 March 2009
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Madonna and Kate Winslet Look Just Like Twins

50-year-old Madonna was a dead ringer for Oscar winner Kate Winslet(33)as she had dinner in New York with pal Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah right! and Joan Rivers looks like Miley Cyrus's kid sister!


written by Mrs Kensington, 19 March 2009
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London Motor Show Cancelled

The Society of Motor Manufacturers and Traders announced today that it cannot afford to run its annual Motor Show this year, since Kerry Katona stopped buying cars for her husband.

written by Mrs Kensington, 19 March 2009
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Fergie To Go To Benfica

Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, is said to be "delighted" after finding a fantastic deal of £450 per person on an all-inclusive fortnight in Portugal with her girls.

written by Mrs Kensington, 19 March 2009
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Spendthrift Jacko Announces 50 More UK Dates

Self-styled King of Pop, Michael Jackson has been forced to add 50 additional dates to his UK comeback - after blowing $120 million at the sale of Gianni Versace's house and contents.

written by Mrs Kensington, 19 March 2009
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Pope Tells Spoof Writers "You're All Damned!"

The Pope announced today that some people go to heaven and become stars in the sky when they die, but ALL spoof writers are damned and will be going straight to hell. Oh shit! Would a "sorry" help?

written by Mrs Kensington, 17 March 2009
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Shetty Rushes to Visit Jade Goody

Following the announcement that Jade Goody has 'only days to live' Shilpa Shetty has confirmed that she will travel to the UK see her next week - overland by elephant!

written by Mrs Kensington, 14 March 2009
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Blumenthal Sets Cat Amongst the Pigeons

Heston Blumenthal has outraged a group of celebrities by serving live pigeons in a big pie. "It's outrageous" complained grumpy diner, Craig Revel Horwood. "It clearly stated blackbirds on the menu".

written by Mrs Kensington, 12 March 2009
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O'Leary Bonds With Jacko

Dermot O'Leary has revealed that he "bonded" with Michael Jackson during the singer's appearance in London earlier this week. "I stood a little too close to him and stuck to the embalming fluid!".

written by Mrs Kensington, 08 March 2009
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Mandelson's Dry Cleaner 'Unphased' by Green Custard

Peter Mandelson's dry cleaner has told reporters that getting green custard out of his suit will be 'no problem'. Peter's one of our regulars - his suit gets spattered most Saturday nights.

written by Mrs Kensington, 07 March 2009
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Jack Tweed Plans Pro-Celebrity Golf Tournament

Jade Goody's husband, Jack Tweed is to organise a golf tournament to help raise funds for her boys. He told reporters "Jade said I should do something I'm good at and I'm a natural with a golf club"

written by Mrs Kensington, 06 March 2009
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Corrie Easter Gay Shocker!

Granada Television has confirmed that it is set to shock viewers on Good Friday when it screens a saucy gay encounter between Gayle's dad Ted and newsagent Norris Cole. Norris Cole gay? - a shock?

written by Mrs Kensington, 06 March 2009
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Brown and Straw's 'Endless Love' Will NOT Be Screened

Downing Street sources have confirmed that Gordon Brown and Jack Straw's karaoke duet 'Endless Love' at Jade Goody's wedding will NOT be screened by Living TV next week.

written by Mrs Kensington, 06 March 2009
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Katona's Brain Sucked Out During Liposuction

Kerry Katona's husband has revealed that she slurs her words because surgeons accidentally sucked her brain out during routine liposuction on her face. "They managed to put it back in though" he said.

written by Mrs Kensington, 06 March 2009
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Come on Jarvis - Come Home and Show 'em your Arse!

With the number of sanctimonious, hypocritical, obscenely wealthy celebrities increasing by the day, isn't it about time geeky 90's hero Jarvis Cocker returned to Britain and showed them his arse?

written by Mrs Kensington, 26 August 2008
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"My Hair is NOT Receding" says Law.

Jude Law, once voted the Most Beautiful Man in North London, has reacted furiously to suggestions that his hair is receding. "Any idiot can see that my forehead has got bigger" he declared.

written by Mrs Kensington, 23 August 2008
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"Sienna's No Slut" say Vandals

Vandals who sprayed slut and the sign of satan on the wall of luscious adulterer Sienna Miller have admitted it was a mistake on their part. They had thought it was Ann Widdicombe's gaff. Sorry Si!

written by Mrs Kensington, 23 August 2008
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Katona - Inland Revenue Demands Their "Pound of Flesh"

Kerry Katona has been admitted to a private clinic to have enough flesh removed to pay off her outstanding £82,000 tax bill. Whatever is left over will be donated to her favourite charity.

written by Mrs Kensington, 23 August 2008
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