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Culinary Evangelicals applaud latest diet
Evangelists make new claims defending pending pedophile allegations that "puberty is the age of sexual consent and that pubic hair is a natural source of fiber and niacin."
Study reveals that plane crashes are more than just an accident
Studies have proven that there is a romantic link between airplanes and the ground during a plane crash, it is actually the planes method of affection and can be defined as a kiss and proposition.
Economic woes but WHOA
You know the economy's bad when the Dow Jones gets so low that homeless people are buying shares of stock and smoking it to get high. Incidentally, a recall has been issued on all White House staff.
PSA - Oxford Dictionary making changes
Due to myriads of lexical innovations and today's ever-changing universe of etymological linguistics the term "corn on the cobb" has been officially changed to "corn on the ground."
Starbuck's Coffee debuts another drink to make one think WTF
There is a new frozen Starbuck's drink called "Enigma," it's a coffee enema that tastes like a riddle wrapped in a Huggies diaper.If your salivating, then your probably just constipated.
Remodeling the Pentagon viable?
It has been reported that Government officials are so seedy and one dimensionally square that they are in the planning process of rebuilding the Pentagon into a more comfortable geometric circle.
Meteorologist makes twisted prediction
Renowned weatherman Gilbert Gnarley states that goals to stave off global warming will be met when we see a tornado touch down and begin distributing snow cones to all the children.
Man suffering from more than just PE
Man shoots self in arm after his girlfriend denied him sex and then prematurely ejaculates on his bottlecap collection.
Company that manufactures Transformers ups the ante
The popular toy brand Playskool is scheduled to launch its line of homeless people transformers, or destitutes that can turn into cardboard boxes which will be popular when the stock market crashes.
Did You Know
That recent studies have shown that banging two coconuts together can ward off Crohn's disease while simultaneously plagiarizing a Monty Python sketch.
Russian Borealis sightings confirmed
Vladimir Putin's head seen floating over Alaska, astronomers describe the rare phenomenon as a clash between the Aurora Borealis and the egomaniacal exhalation of his birthday.
Gangs armed to the yin yang with semi-automatic rainbows
Move over Crips and Bloods, and make way for the Apple Dumpling gang, a gaggle of giggling sodomites that steal people's booty and trade it to the homeless for candy to use in their piñatas.
Petroleum spike calls congress to make it currency by 2010
Imagine buying groceries and the sales clerk tenders you out at $87.21 and you cordially pay the amount by whipping out an oil drum and pour it onto the counter. In the eye of the economic event horizon, in our generation of degeneration pretty much anything is viable.
Lost backpacker found after 4-week absence; explains how he survived
"I love to eat donuts, especially when I am camping alone, but my IBS always begs to differ.When I became lost, I ate only the frosting and soiled myself several times and found civilization by following the tire tracks in my underwear."
Subway diet issues surgeon generals warning
Jerod has become famous for losing thousands of pounds with the Subway diet. However, although you may be able to devour a sub in under a minute it will take over an hour to leave your station. This warning is backed by the IBS preservation center.
American Airlines reaches an accord in NASA merger
When the skeet has hit the fan, there comes a moment where one must take drastic action. AA is on thin ice after cancelling hundreds of flights without justification. Fearing mutiny they succumbed to NASA which will replace aging jets with a fleet of space shuttles.
Predictability at it finest with a dash of balderdash
It was no surprise when Dubai's crown prince paid $2.7 million for a scud missile launcher, the catch: the launcher is a camel that won a beauty pageant by wearing only a thong.
Horse hybrids a hit at Detroit Auto Show
General Motors to begin the mass production of genetically cloned hybrid horses that don't require ethanol and must be plugged into a wall socket with an extension cord coiled within their anal canal.
Man's pet Dalmatian diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease
Harvey's hound was found whipped into a rabid frenzy and wearing a #4 Yankee jersey before animal control took it away in handcuffs forcing the entire neighborhood into immediate quarantine.
Recall issued on cloned Labradors
A mandatory recall has been issued on cloned Labradors after a defective dog started to manifest labradorescent skin colors and howling the Asian alphabet in pig Latin.
Senator John McCain admits he's older than the Dead Sea scrolls
At a press conference the senator said "I'm so old that when I was a kid the Dead Sea was just a little bit sick. I use my colostomy bag when I shop for lactose-free groceries before I crawl into my barrack beneath my bed for a nap."
Contrary to popular opinion the popular teen website "Bebo" is NOT an inflamed lymph gland in the groin.
Warrior Sperm created for couples unable to procreate
These magnificent Warrior Sperm have been extracted from adolescents during puberty while living under power lines with the capability to mend marriages and bench press a small car.
Discovery Channel to debut "The Shark Whisperer"
Horse and dog whispering is old hat these days and is about to be taken over by a lone man that whispers to great white sharks and makes out with them.
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