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Kenyan Village Celibrates Choice of Biden!
Upon learning of Joe Biden's pick as Barack Obama's running mate, the sister village in Kenya, Manbabatuyu, started a special 7-Virgin Orgy. Said Chief Nashrila, "We need more Veeps! Party now!"
U.S. Air Force Relieved Over Costly Urination Problem
Two U.S. Air Force jets have crashed in the past because of pissing problems! Now, with a newly-developed peeing method for male or female jet pilots, the problem of taking a leak at 1000-2000 mph will no longer piss off the top U.S. fly boys!
Dalai Lama Offered Deal By Chinese Overlords
In a move towards recognition of Tibet, China's President has offered freedom for Tibet, if the Dalai Lama delivers the Olympic torch in full sports gear. Mr. Lama refuses to wear shorts. Result: continued stalemate!
Sharks Deny Attack on Retired Triathlete Vet
A shark attack has been called a 'copy shark biting' by a 19-foot Great White, 'Mack,' committed by a wannabee Great White in the US. "The attack on a retired 66-year old vet is a slam on our Great White tradition. We eat seals!" Undersea protests are planned.
Female Wild African Ass Not That Rare?
After reports of the birth of a female Wild African Ass in St. Louis, Missouri, USA, apparently a vanishing species, many women called TV stations to complain, saying that, just as in the U.S., there's plenty of wild ass to go around in the Dark Continent.
Mail Prank In Portland, Oregon, USA Tricks Parents
A bogus letter from Portland's school district advises parents to allow student sex and alcohol in their homes on prom night. Enraged, the parents finally admitted jealousy, remembering the steamy car sex and booze when they themselves graduated!
Bush Delusional Over Palestinian State
After his meeting with Palestinian Authority President Abbas, declaring a Palestinian state will emerge before he leaves office, a refill was ordered for Bush's favorite psychotropic drug. A freebee was quickly provided by the Israeli Embassy with LMAO on the container!
McCain Endorses American Cosmetic Surgery Association
John McCain has taped a campaign ad for TV endorsing ACSA, the American Cosmetic Surgery Association. In it, he says, "Look at what the knife has done for me...I'm 71! Cindy is 18 years my junior and, now, she looks 71! Vote Republican in November!"
Wesley Snipes Jailed For Tax Evasion
The actor is slammer-bound for not filing tax returns for, at least, the past 3 years. Claiming, in part, he is a 'stateless person,' the U.S. IRS countered with, "Yes, he is a brainless moron. We wish Mr. Snipes all the best in his upcoming solitary years!"
North Korea Denies Aiding Syrians In Building A-Bomb
A of North Korean political advirsor told the UN today, "We no give nucrar bomb clap to Syrian!" After some translation difficulties, the US told Korean leader, Kim Jong-il, "Keep nuclar clap in own back yard, you riars!" Kim replied, "Why the poor English?"
The Reverend Wright, Jr. Says Comments Out of Context
Former Obama church reverend, Jeremiah A. Wright, Jr. now says his antisemitic, anti-white, and anti-American comments were taken out of context. Obama says to just read the Reverend's book, 'Why I'm A Bigot and Anti-American' "to see the humanity in the man."
Women Who Eat Bananas Likely To Have Male Child!
Research shows that women who eat bananas are more likely to have male offspring. Does this indirectly correlate to a 'banana split?' And, what about severely-old and darkened mushy bananas? It is also shown that an unpeeled banana can be linked to something else!
Language Flub Brings Mao Picture to Chinese President!
A Chinese-English accent recently resulted in an embarrassing mixup. The Chinese Pres received a framed photo of Chairman Mao for the Beijing Olympics, a confusion with the 'Flame.' It had come from the Embassy in Washington and expressed to Beijing!
Poll: American Men Prefer Briefs to Boxers
In a poll of over 30,000 men, it was revealed that they prefer the tight fit of briefs over loose and 'non-masculine' boxer shorts by 30:1. Important factors: a he-man feel and better dates, because of a preview of the goods! Guys, boxer shorts are out!
Obama to Box when Preparing for Next Primaries
For the upcoming May 6 Indiana and North Carolina primaries, Obama means business. He's going one on one with a sparring partner for an hour a day for the next 2 weeks. "I'll throw Hillary a few hard punches next time! Screw Pennsylvania!"
Laura and Jenna Bush Release Children's Book
The U.S. First Lady and daughter have just released a kid's book, 'Read All About It,' aimed at 4-8 year olds. The White House copy quickly disappeared and was read by Mr. Bush, who proudly claims, "'The Pet Goat' is intellectually superior."
South Carolina Trying To Pass Bizarre New Marriage Law!
People who seduce married people could be sued by jilted spouses under a bizarre law that has won approval from SC lawyers. The Southeast has once again expressed its dominance in the IQ department and its understanding of a dying economy! Resting OK, Mr. Lincoln?
McCartney To Marry A Third Time!
Almost 65, Sir Paul McCartney, has dumped his second wife Heather Mills, costing him $50 million of his $1.5 billion. She was even chastised by the court as a gold digger. Paul will marry an Oxford Professor of 'Pop Culture,' 30 years younger, while Mills goes at U.S. TV.
University Has Intruder Rifle Installed
In a controversial and hush hush move, Sam Wawwoo University have issued an automated Intruder-Recognition Rifle in its Biology Lecture Hall. Said school President, Dr. Finchley Obi Amos, "Anyone pointing a gun in there will quickly become Swiss cheese!"
Einstein Black Book Reveals Trysts With Students
The Nobel Prize winning physicist's 'hidden' black book was found deep inside an old desk last week at Princeton. Known as a womanizer, his notes disclose dalliances with 37 female undergrads. On the last page is scrawled the German word, 'testosteron'!
McCain Jealous Over Democrat Infighting
A tearful John McCain told his top strategist, Charles Black, today that it's 'unfair' that Hillary and Obama are getting all the news coverage. He reassured him, saying: "Johnny Boy, the biggie's coming! Johnny will be on TV everyday, too!" McCain then let out a huge grin.
Criminals Learn From True Crime TV
When Vinnie 'The Knife' Scalzo needed to do a 'job,' he learned how to do the perfect crime from Forensic Folders on the tube. He left no prints, no DNA, no hair, no fibers, no anything. Said Vinnie, "When you is educated like me, opportunity comes to you by TV!"
Hillary TV Ad: Monica Wants In
Monica Lewinsky, of Bill Clinton fame, has approached Ms. Clinton saying her well-known face will catch the voter's attention. Responding in a near rage, Hillary replied, "Monica, you are a slut with no valid ethics! You disgraced the Presidency. Climb aboard!"
$1,000,000 For White House Replica!
Leaving the Presidency has been very trying for Mr. Bush. So, to relive his glory days, he has commissioned George Lucas' Industrial Light & Magic to create an exact room-sized replica of the White House, "right down to detailed miniature crappers."
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