Showing snippets written by Martin Yates.

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Chaos Theory Strikes Again

Today the connection was revealed between a fishing excursion in Scotland and a massive earthquake that killed five hundred billion people. Using a simple set of algorithms, scientists have devised a method of explaining any event that happens, ever.

written by Martin Yates, 15 March 2008

Dictionary destruction

In an indiscriminate act of violence, the master copy of the dictionary of the English Language was today destroyed in a terrorist attack. The Prime Minister issued the following statement shortly afterwards. "Hyyysggd jsgd hyegft gbbccv. Ouerrnfh hef hsgd, kjrwe knue."

written by Martin Yates, 14 March 2008

Friction equals fire!

A stunning new development today led to the discovery that rubbing two wooden sticks together caused them to ignite.

written by Martin Yates, 14 March 2008

Flying man mystery

City-goers were left stunned as a man dressed in some kind of costume inexplicably flew past the capital early this morning. Eye-witnesses describe the man as looking heroic, although he didn't actually do anything.

written by Martin Yates, 14 March 2008

The New Black

Today, scientists revealed what has been officially approved to be the new black. After countless days of science, the answer came as a shock to many in the fashion world. The new black, is in fact, green.

written by Martin Yates, 14 March 2008

Baby Bear says no more

In a statement released today, Baby Bear has announced his retirement. From now on, anyone using his name in connection with Goldilocks will be taken to court.

written by Martin Yates, 14 March 2008

No News Shock

Yesterday evening, for a period approaching three hours, there was no news anywhere in the world, leaving leading scientists very confused. "It is, quite frankly stunning." exclaimed one. "It's certainly the most shocking news I've heard."

written by Martin Yates, 06 February 2008

New BBC Costume Drama Axed

The costume drama 'High Tea' has been axed by the BBC before being transmitted. The first episode due to be shown tomorrow was pulled when the leading actress accidentally exploded on camera. A spokesman said: "She was standing too close to a naked flame."

written by Martin Yates, 05 February 2008

"It was an accident" admits Woof Around the Edges Brewery

Today, the CEO of the brewing company made the confession that a batch of their beer causes rabies. In an accidental mix-up, large rabid dogs were inadvertently introduced during the brewery's unique brewing process which uses dogs to give their beer a real earthy flavour.

written by Martin Yates, 03 February 2008

"It's just a mask" says Kate Bush

In a shocking development, singer Kate Bush has revealed that she is in fact a extra-terrestrial being from Venus. "I am tired of living a lie, and I hope that my fans will accept the real me," she warbled today.

written by Martin Yates, 03 February 2008

Action man goes west!

Makers of 'Action Man' have announced the children's favourite will be soon returning to stores. Makers believe that 'Jake' and 'Tom', will make the subject of homosexual relationships easier to accept. Accessories available include lumberjack clothing and removable moustaches.

written by Martin Yates, 28 January 2008
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