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BP boss Hayward 'negotiates exit'
BP boss Hayward exits ASAP but upon fleeing down nearby drainpipe finds himself in a very very hot place with poor sanitation and few amenities except embossed welcome card on pillow, signed 'S'.
Deadly floods continue across mainland China; guy with really big boat issues tickets
Deadly floods continue across mainland China. Guy in Pingliang City previously considered village idiot now issuing tickets in twos to board really really big boat built with rubbish in his back yard.
Missing girl found
Missing girl found after almost 13 years, unable to believe 'Friends' was cancelled.
Tipper's comments on marriage to Al Gore censored and labeled unfit for children's ears
Al Gore claims: "after forty years, the 'global warming' tends to a get a bit much - especially when she started getting headaches every single Friday night."
The new China
A Chinese university professor has been jailed for three-and-a-half years after organising a swingers' club and holding private orgies at his apartment.
Church warns BBC not to cut religion
The Church of England has urged the BBC not to cut any more religious programmes, warning that the Corporation (CoE Ltd) is in danger of losing sight of its customers.
Scientists devise algorithm to detect sarcasm
In a related story, TheSpoof.con writers devise algorithm to detect nerdy scientists.
Britons 'spend more web time reading news than looking at pornography'
And is that London Bridge for sale again?
Dernberg: Germany had a right to sink Lusitania regardless of passengers aboard
In a statement issued early this morning, Bernhard Dernburg claimed that because Lusitania "carried contraband of war" Germany had had a right to destroy her regardless of any passengers aboard.
President Barack Obama vows to pursue sanctions against Germany in wake of U-boat sinking of the RMS Lusitania
Sources say President Obama is committed to sanctions against Germany after the torpedoing of RMS Lusitania by SM U-20 off the coast of Ireland yesterday, killing 1,198 of the 1,959 people aboard.
GERMANY: White House says sinking of the Lusitania an act of aggression
White House says sinking of RMS Lusitania today by German U-boat SM U-20 an act of aggression; Obama consults with Pentagon on advisability of declaring war on Germany & entering into The Great War.
Gulf Oil Disaster Imperils Oil Company Profits; BP Pundits Puzzled
Barbara Schroeder, national profit coordinator for BP, said that the company was investigating the oil spill - now considered to be the worst in history - intensively, but did not have answers yet.
Shooting People Taints America's Image
America's habit of invading and then shooting up independent countries, often followed by takeover, profit-mongering & a nice tea, has inexplicably diminished its popularity amoung fellow Earthlings.
Full Employment Milestone: 1,000 Americans Dead, 1000 Job Openings in US Military
Keeping America alert & willing to support Gestapo-type legislation requires sacrifice from our brave men & women in uniform. They do not die in vain: each death garners votes & opens up one new job.
U.S. Military Milestone: 1,000 Americans Dead, 250 Million To Go
After receiving alarming reports about insufficient war casualties from his top commander in Afghanistan, President Obama ordered 300,000 more troops into the war, most of whom will be dead by summer.
Next Step for Gulf Leaking Oil Fiasco: Throw Garbage Down the Hole & Pray
BP to try stopping up spewing hole with used diapers, unrecycled plastics, dead bank cards, golf balls, congressmen and other garbage. Operation to be followed by fervent prayers of BP stockholders.
Vote to Limit Debit Card Fees Pisses Off Bank Pirates
US banking industry to adopt the skull-and-crossbones icon for their billion-a-day PR campaign. Bankers revive practices of keel-hauling and walking the plank in anticipation of Senate thumbs-up vote.
Spielberg in running to direct Obama administration
After the success of his 2008 Dem Convention film endorsing Obama, Spielberg now tops the list to direct the entire four year administration. Will Smith to play Obama, cute kids copyright Pixar.
Putin Channels Krushchev's Ghost
It has been revealed that Vladimir Putin, in a secretly organised seance, made contact with dead Socialist leader Nikita Sergeyevich Khrushchev. 'Channeling' the Soviet Socialist's spirit, Putin is now making a bid to restore Kremlin supremacy in Russia.
Former president Richard Nixon rose from the dead today to challenge McCain: "Even I could beat Obama!"
Former U.S. President Richard Nixon rose from the dead today in bid to challenge likely Republican presidential nominee John McCain, claiming, "Even I could beat Obama!"
Cuba names new president: Raul Castro's mechanic's flatmate
Cuba's National Assembly today named Jose Jimenez, Fidel Castro's younger brother's mechanic's flatmate, as the country's new president.
John Edwards announces intention to quit presidential race
As few knew the former senator was actually in the race, the news startled campaign flunkies throughout the US. The subsequent rush to obtain information overwhelmed Google, causing a worldwide shutdown - a problem normally only following Rosie O'Donnell sightings.
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