Showing snippets written by Simon Cockle.
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Who is Raouldukecommando?
And why does he write so infrequently? What a shame.
Mandela to be freed 'by Start of September'
Nelson Mandela, who has been held in a grave in Qunu, Eastern Cape, since last December, may be released by the start of next month.
1/19 could be the 'new 9/11'
Security experts predict new date for a massive cinematic terrorist attack on US soil (or buildings).
'Male hair loss' by 2030
Scientists in Canada claim they will be able to make a man lose most of his head hair by 2030, probably using nano-robots or something.
'Gravity' film dismissed as 'first-world problems'
Get out of one space station, fly to another. Yawn.
String Theory predicts Universe is made of string
University of Moggerhanger publishes new study I just made up for a joke.
Downtown Abbey promo photograph ruined by shit drama
Rubbish 'Upstairs Downstairs' costume rip-off designed for international market spotted in press photograph.
A few posts a year...
...but they're genius. Why doesn't he write more often? Who knows.
Iceland volcano - freezer supermarket to close due to lava
No need for more text, the joke is in the headline.
12 Years a Slave 2
He gets kidnapped again, but this time it's set in France.
If you read the Daily Mail...
...I will find out where you live, break into your house at night and torture you to death in front of your family.
Robin Williams' death now declared 'fair game' for comedy
The UN has designated it is now 'OK' to make jokes about the late comic, under Article 7 of the 'Too Soon?' Bill of 1997.
Cliff Richard donates career to service of comedy
The late Cliff Richard has donated his entire career spanning seven decades to comedy writers everywhere so that they may continue their good work.
Ebola virus arrested as part of Operation Yewtree
Historical offences going back to the 70s with multiple victims, deaths and a TV special with Jimmy Tarbuck.
Park keeper mauled by tiger in new terror attack
First a soldier, then a plane - now al-Queda have utilised Sumatran tigers to spread fear and panic in the UK. Authorities are putting everyone in the country on alert about threats from everything.
Mobile phones reunited with 'tele'
As from next year, mobile phones will have to be referred as mobile telephones in all advertising and documentation due to an EU ruling. This follows the decision to reassign the word wireless to radios.
Breathing 'not necessary'
Researchers at the Institute of Iceland Supermarket Christmas Advert 2012 say that breathing for humans is 'really just trying to attract attention, no-one thinks you're clever or anything'.
Masterchef final 'pre-recorded in 1931'
BBC at centre of more controversy when it was revealed that the 2012 Masterchef final was actually recorded 81 years ago to save time.
Misogyny 'too hard for women to spell'
Researchers at the University of East Biggleswade have concluded that women are simply 'too stupid' to even spell misogyny, let alone understand it.
Teeth 'not enough'
When purchasing a first home, mortgage lenders have suggested that any deposit must be paid with cash, and that teeth or other body parts are simply 'not enough'.
Hoax callers 'to kill Clarkson'
Australian DJs who caused a suicide by prank-calling a London hospital have been urged to call Jeremy Clarkson in an effort to make him take his own life.
One glass of red wine a day 'can prevent a comet strike'
Doctors have suggested that a moderate intake of red wine can prevent the annihilation of the human race through a collision with a comet or other large rock-based space debris.
XBOX reveal new Matchstick Cathedral Building game
XBOX have produced a new video game which allows players to virtually build a replica of Winchester Cathedral out of matchsticks.
Whips 'too kinky'
Whips have been classified as 'too kinky' under the government's new Kinkiness Index. It now carries a 6 month jail term, along with candle wax and clothes pegs.
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