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Park keeper mauled by tiger in new terror attack
First a soldier, then a plane - now al-Queda have utilised Sumatran tigers to spread fear and panic in the UK. Authorities are putting everyone in the country on alert about threats from everything.
Mobile phones reunited with 'tele'
As from next year, mobile phones will have to be referred as mobile telephones in all advertising and documentation due to an EU ruling. This follows the decision to reassign the word wireless to radios.
Breathing 'not necessary'
Researchers at the Institute of Iceland Supermarket Christmas Advert 2012 say that breathing for humans is 'really just trying to attract attention, no-one thinks you're clever or anything'.
Masterchef final 'pre-recorded in 1931'
BBC at centre of more controversy when it was revealed that the 2012 Masterchef final was actually recorded 81 years ago to save time.
Misogyny 'too hard for women to spell'
Researchers at the University of East Biggleswade have concluded that women are simply 'too stupid' to even spell misogyny, let alone understand it.
Teeth 'not enough'
When purchasing a first home, mortgage lenders have suggested that any deposit must be paid with cash, and that teeth or other body parts are simply 'not enough'.
Hoax callers 'to kill Clarkson'
Australian DJs who caused a suicide by prank-calling a London hospital have been urged to call Jeremy Clarkson in an effort to make him take his own life.
One glass of red wine a day 'can prevent a comet strike'
Doctors have suggested that a moderate intake of red wine can prevent the annihilation of the human race through a collision with a comet or other large rock-based space debris.
XBOX reveal new Matchstick Cathedral Building game
XBOX have produced a new video game which allows players to virtually build a replica of Winchester Cathedral out of matchsticks.
Whips 'too kinky'
Whips have been classified as 'too kinky' under the government's new Kinkiness Index. It now carries a 6 month jail term, along with candle wax and clothes pegs.
Tourettes to be new Olympic discipline
Tourettes Syndrome has been added to the roster of Decathalon events for athletes competing in the 2012 olympics. Competitors will have to swear at crowds along the routes of a 10,000 metre run.
Barack Obama to be new presenter of 'Runaround'
President Barack Obama will front a new version of the 70s childrens' quiz show 'Runaround', following in the footsteps of Mike Reid, Bill Oddie and poet Seamus Heaney.
MPs 'smell of piss'
A study carried out by scientists at Oxford University have proved conclusively that 94% of MPs 'smell of piss' or other urine-derived products.
'Strictly Dog Fighting' starts tonight on BBC1
Celebrities work with professional dog fighters in savage 10 minute fights with other celebrities. Susan Boyle and her alsatian Floppy fight Katie Price and her handler Keith Chegwin.
Iran has hidden 'Iran'
Iran admitted today that they have been hiding part of 'Iran' inside a mountain against the wishes of the UN.
William Burroughs wins 'Britain's Got Talent'
William Burroughs, the dead Beat author of such seminal works as 'The Naked Lunch', celebrated winning the final of 'Britain's Got Talent' with his rendition of 'MMMBop' by Hanson.
Volcanoes erupt in violence
Dormant volcanoes in Peckham have taken part in running battles in the streets of South London, as gangs clashed last night. 'There was magma everywhere' said Etna, 15.
Max Mosley sues M+S; admits dyslexia
Max Mosley has unsuccessfully sued Marks and Spencers for suggesting he took part in M+S shopping sprees at several of their branches.
Sex with dogs 'is like sex with dogs'
A new scientific study has concluded that the nearest experience to having sex with a dog is 'having sex with a dog'.
Horse wins Derby
A horse has won the town of Derby in a race. It intends to demolish all buildings apart from stables. Glue factories will remain open. 'We're stuck with them, unfortunately,' said the horse.
"You think you gotta keep me iced: you don't"
You think I'm gonna spend your cash: I won't. Even if you were broke, my love don't cost a thing. Think I wanna drive your Benz: I don't. If I wanna floss, I got my own. Even if you were broke, my love don't cost a thing.
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Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus Miley Cyrus.
Lorries 'driven by lorry drivers'
Congestion caused by poor driving and accidents, a report suggests, could be caused by the fact that lorries are driven by lorry drivers, notorious for their aggression, boorishness and lack of intelligence. Poets, due to their intellect and temperament, would make ideal replacements.
Burma: was Burma involved?
The UN is investigating the possibility that Burma's reluctance to help its own people as a result of Cyclone Nargis could be linked to Burma's reluctance to help its own people as a result of Cyclone Nargis.
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