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Sue Barker: My Moleskin Underwear Hell

More From The Cretin Channel

Arse Disaster 2018:
A London model shits herself, and a Salisbury business man follows through in a critical sales meeting.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Cannibal Joke "In Bad Taste"

A rare charcoal drawing of Henry Purcell and Lionel Ritchie playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Alex "Hurricane" Higgins teaches Moses to drink a yard of ale in the background has been nibbled by capybara.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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I Can See Margaret Thatcher's Face Between Kim Kardashian's Buttocks, Claims Aberdeen Fuckwit

Devon farmer John Barleycorne, the first man in the world to have wooden ears fitted, is a great fan of Arthur Mullard and Hittite footwear.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Bogus Bishop Scourge Rocks Jutland

"I wrote all the novels of Charles Dickens only last year", claims Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth. "It took me ages. He was a long-winded bugger."

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Carmen Miranda Obsession Ruined my Life Admits Tim Rice

The Two David Livingstones are getting there in the new semi in Burwash. "The lounge-diner is so snug now we've got the Geronimo figurines lined up along the wainscotting", said David Livingstone,m yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Trendy Dresses For Older Men

Among the recently-discovered unpublished works by late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Rolling Pace Eggs With The Cherokee, Constipated In Kathmandu, and Drinking My Way Across The Sudetenland

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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I Lived On Paraffin When I Was Homeless, Claims Sinitta

It was in 1867 that Tesco Van Morrison, the Corsican explorer, first broached the Western Foothills of the Nkambo-Bolo, where he discovered the Burrowing Blue-Faced Ningo Warriors, who lived on toast and worshipped Lambert Simnel.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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How To Remove Candle Wax From A Goldfish

"It's a myth that Jean-Paul Sartre used to holiday here", says Saltcoats tripe-dresser Yorick Thumbnaile. "Merleau-Ponty did, mind. He loved the Ten Pin Bowling. The Heideggers came every August as well, for the kippers."

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Tea Plantations Are The New Bitcoin

"I lived next door to that Samuel Beckett for a bit", claims Barnsley fruiterer Ken Drastic. "He borrowed my lawnmower and I never got it back. I tried once but I couldn't get across the moat."

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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I Used To Drink Toyah Wilcox's Piss Claims Pre-Raphaelite

Cretin Channel Highlights:

20:00 Celebrity Jism
Can Clive of India outwank Robbie Williams?

22:00 Film Chat Review of James Corden in Pigling Bland Goes To Seed

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Save on Shoe-Bills: Have Your Feet Amputated

Veteran entertainer Rolf Harris has some advice on how to cope with this lingering wintry weather: "Never go out without a coat, hat and scarf", Rolf warns.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Lord Palmerston's Golliwog Collection To Be Sold Off

The crisis over the papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake has reached tipping-point at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We've had to pile them up in the beer garden", said landlord Colin Drab, yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Miniature Trump Figurines Flood Albanian Market

Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger says this of Adele: "She's got something of the quality of a Rembrandt about her. He couldn't hold a tune either."

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Darlington Wildebeest Horror: One Man's Nightmare

Among the new inventions of Dorking inventor Gideon Bable are: a self-righting demi-john stand, an antelope deflector, and a hessian trivet for cooling onions.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Derbyshire Vicar Ravaged by Woodworm

His Holiness The Pope on housework: "Am I a yutz? What kind of schmendrick does their own cleaning? I should schlep room to room. I got some shiksas with mops and buckets to take care of all that schmutter."

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Hippo Invasion at Gatwick Grounds All Flights

The Two David Livingstones are still not quite settled in the first-floor flat at Bosham. "We're still arguing about where to put the papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake, admitted David Livingstone, yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Karl Marx Ate My Great-Grandmother

"Dolphins are the coolest cats in the ocean", claims Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "They're so hip, man. You gotta dig their crazy shit."

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Choreographed by Ann Widdicombe!

A Tibetan Sand Mandala depicting William Shakespeare playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Catherine of Arragon shaves her armpits in the background has been ritually dismantled too early by novice monks.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Egg Nog Is The New Zambezi

Dorking bachelor Dick Palmer has not has much luck with on-line dating. "I was honest with my profile and listed my main hobbies as masturbating and wife-beating, but honesty doesn't seem to mean much these days."

written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
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Easter Should be Banned Claims Salford Moron

His Holiness The Pope is not a fan of Easter. "Easter? What do I want with Easter already? Chocolate schmocolate. And with all these giant rabbits, oy, give them a bar mitzvah and we'll never see them again."

written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
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Andrew Lloyd Webber's Nude Pogo Stick Hell

More Highlights from the Cretin Channel

21:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off
Can Professor Brian Cox wank higher than Salman Rushdie?

22:00 Movie: Robin Hood Goes to Seed, starring James Corden

written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
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Corpse Stars in Britain's Got Talent

"and Grimaldi had an army of imaginary soldier ants, while I think it was Martin Luther who kept an imaginary tapir in his ferret cages. Or was that Roy Castle?"

written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
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James Corden To Star In Every New Film

An aquatint etching of Malcolm Muggeridge playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Hereward The Wake stares at a dish of rum babas has gone missing from David Hockney's garden shed.

written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
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Dutch Elm Disease Variant Threatens Beckhams

Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artefact has had to abandon a project to reproduce the sandstone hot water bottles of the Hittites to commemorate Sir Walter Raleigh's execution. "You can't get the stone", he said yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018


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