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"Flayed Cats Ruined My Childhood", Claims Archbishop of Canterbury
Thursday Night Highlights from the Cretin Channel:
21:00 Celebrity Wank-Off - Can the Hairy Bikers out-jism Noel Gallagher?
22:30 Astronomy Today looks forward to this summer's Total Eclipse of the Sun by Simon Cowell's Ego
Talent Shortage Threatens James Corden
Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claims he came up with the idea for 60s TV show Pinky and Perky. "I thought of that when I was castrating 2 dwarf-children", he said yesterday.
Anal Fissures Are The New Jedward
Among the latest offerings of Dorking inventor Gideon Bable are a wooden tea towel, a set of reversible egg-cosies, and a bowler hat for performing lions.
"James Corden Used To Borrow My Suppositories", Claims Lunt Paedophile
More Highlights From The Cretin Channel
20:00 Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo probes the link between Labi Siffre, Eric Pickles and Sinitta.
James Corden is a Vacuous Gobshite
Trulle is back with a vengeance, especially when woven into a gossamer mouffe. Gerhard Muffdiver wowed the catwalks of Mitteleuropa with his faux Etruscan buskins
"I Learned Everything From Freddie Truman", Claims Nuneaton Horse-Throttler
"Labi Siffre's real name is Claudius Afolabe Siffre", tweeted Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, yesterday. "Poncey twat."
Tapir Infestation Threatens Glastonbury
The hot water bottle was an Etruscan invention, claimed Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact, yesterday. "All this talk about the wooden hot water bottles of the Ancient Greeks is nonsense", he scoffed.
I Was Peregrine Worsthorne's Gimp, Claims Eric Pickles
"The bottom has fallen out of the hot water bottle market", claimed Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact yesterday. "It's never been the same since Denis Thatcher did that advert for electric blankets."
Fishkettles Are The New Liberace
Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger says: "Actually, I love Wagner, he's not as bad as he sounds. And Desmond Tutu's erotic sonnets are my absolute favourite."
Flood-Damaged Larry Grayson Jigsaw Turns Up in Ethiopian Brothel
Libran librarians should avoid old haddocks, while Cancerian goat-herds can expect an encounter with mysterious dung. Thursday is not auspicious for Sagittarian balaclava-lovers.
Jeremy Corbin Goes Commando
Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil says: "I always think that Labi Siffre would be good with eels. Not as good as mashed potato, but good enough for me."
James Corden Explodes
Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha loves housework. "I died in 1851, but it still keeps me happy", he sang yesterday.
"Shirley Bassey was my favourite singer when I was younger", admitted Prince Andrew, yesterday.
Abu Qatada Appeals to Jordan
Radical cleric Abu Qatada issued a passionate appeal to Jordan yesterday. "Please, please, stop calling yourself an author", he said. "You're kidding nobody baby!"
Clement Attlee's Love Affair with the Panama Canal
Famous cook Delia Smith has denied any relationship to the Temple of the Delians on the Greek island of Delos. "It's nothing to do with a Pagan cult devoted to me", she said. "That's at Attleborough."
Sir Humphrey Davey: "Father Of The Modern Omelette"
Devon farmer John Barleycorne, the first man in the world to have two wooden knees fitted, is a big fan of Reg Varney and Doric Architecture.
Suarez Opens New "Suarez Bites" Internet Cafe
"Picasso never holidayed at Saltcoats", claimed Saltcoats tripe-dresser Yorick Thumbnaile yesterday. "Max Ernst did, mind. He used to walk his zebras on the pier and play leapfrog with Mussolini and Lulu."
Vampire Bites Suarez
A rare Edwardian postcard of Rolf Harris playing leapfrog with Lord Nelson and Picasso watched by Kenneth McKellar and Margaret Thatcher on Saltcoats pier in a rainstorm has been lost from Lulu's handbag.
Tin Man And Cowardly Lion Come Out In Defence of Mrs Thatcher
Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger is quite the connoisseur. "Picasso's portraits are not as bad as they look", he said yesterday, "and Moby-Dick is funnier than anything by Jeffrey Archer.
"How To Skin A Mandrill" by Reg Varney is Amazon's Top Selling Ebook Again
Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact bemoaned the state of the economy yesterday. "Even Eric Pickles and Kenneth McKellar have stopped buying hot water bottles", he said.
See George Osborne And Die!
Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claimed that he was the composer of Beethoven's piano sonatas yesterday. "I am the true composer", he said. "Beethoven just did the music."
'"Hughie Green Lived on Oatcakes" Claim A Lie', Claims Will.i.am
Billericay eel strangler Gladys Stencil says "my dream date would be David Livingstone. Or anybody who could handle eels. I always think David Livingstone would have been good with eels."
James Corden: "Dutch Queen Isn't Proper Royalty"
A rare daguerrotype of Eric Pickles and Rolf Harris dressed as Italian partisans lynching Horatio Nelson dressed as Mussolini on Saltcoats pier which was lost at the battle of Culloden is still missing.
"Moth Is Spitting Image of Margaret Thatcher", Claims Aberdovey Lepidopterist
Rolf Harris worked as a cleaner for Eric Pickles' fictional second home, and Horatio Nelson earned extra pocket money between wars by helping Percy Thrower in the Blue Peter garden, whereas Billy Butlin...
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