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Trump Plans To Cancel Boeing Order For New Air Force One
'If I had that plane, I could start a nuclear war at 30,000 feet,' tweeted Donald Trump. 'But, hell, I can start a nuclear war from anywhere I want at any time - you just wait and see!'
Donald Trump Receives Duke Of Edinburg's Award For Attitude To China
'This isn't the outward bound award,' said a spokesman. 'It's the one for insulting foreigners. He got bronze in the slitty-eye category. Just nine more nations to offend for gold - he'll get there!'
Government Deny That Photographed 'Have Cake And Eat It' Note Referred To Brexit Strategy
'Mark Field's aide, Julia Dockerill, was simply pondering on her elevenses,' said a Downing Street spokesman. 'The notes later refer to her plans to stuff her face with crisps and chocolate.'
New Word 'Trexit' Enters The English Language
'The word Trexit,' explained an Oxford English Dictionary spokesman, 'allows half the British population to whinge about Brexit and Trump simultaneously and hence bore everyone else half as much.'
Polling Organisations Predict Huge Upsurge In Unemployed Pollsters
'I guess they could finally be right about that one,' agreed a number of Brexit and Trump supporters.
Shoppers Complain About Shortages Of Christmas Stock
'Don't forget that it's November,' said a retail spokesman. 'Christmas stock is giving way to our product ranges for Easter.'
US Elections - British Public Lose Will To Live
'We don't care who wins anymore,' said a typical Brit. 'We just want to open a newspaper without seeing the words: "Clinton" or "Trump".'
Royal Air Force Consults Cyclists On Design Of New Stealth Fighters
'British cyclist in twilight and at night achieve levels of invisibility of which we can only dream,' said an RAF spokesman. 'We want to learn how it's done for design of our new stealth fighters.'
FIFA Rejects Request From England And Scotland For Players To Wear Poppy Armbands On Armistice Day
'We made them a very good offer,' said a FIFA spokesman. 'We only asked for 40% of the poppy appeal profits in return - plus, of course, the usual back-handers.'
Mars Lander Defines Relationship Between Russia And The West
'The joint European Space Agency/Russian Space Agency Mars lander reflects the developing relationship between our nations,' said a spokesman. 'It crashed into the Martian surface at 300kph.'
Morrisons Increase Cost Of Marmite By 12.5%
Unilever shareholders are said to be delighted whereas Morisons' Marmite customers are reported to be furious. In relation to the decision, it appears that people either love it or hate it.
US Asks Queen Of England To Become Interim American Head Of State
'The behaviour of Trump and Clinton make them unsuitable presidents,' said a US spokesman. 'Her Majesty has the respect of all and would reintroduce the dignity and propriety lost from US politics.'
Pokémon GO Praised For Its Realism
I was hunting Pokémon creatures in London Zoo on the 13th of October,' said an avid gamer, 'when a big, hairy one seemed to come right up to me and take a banana from my pocket. It was so realistic.'
Nigeria's President, Muhammadu Buhari, To Engage In Further Talks During Visit To Germany
'I look forward to constructive talks on important world affairs with Angela Merkel's husband,' President Buhari told reporters, 'while Angela cooks some delicious Sauerkraut for us in the kitchen.'
New England Football Manager Sacked Before Most People Realised That He Had Been Appointed
'Ol' whatshisname's been given the heave-ho,' said my next door neighbour. 'I don't know why yet, but I expect it's just another routine football corruption scandal.'
IS Revealed As Major Customer For Samsung Galaxy Note 7
'We use them on half-charged batteries until we are forced to withdraw from a town,' said an IS spokesman. 'We then leave the phones behind - plugged in and charging.'
Recent Outbreak Of World War Three Remains Largely Unreported By Media
'There's no public interest,' said a media spokesman. 'It's all been rather overshadowed by the trial in the Archers and the channel swap of the Great British Bake Off.'
'This NHS Hospital Is Grossly Understaffed,' Claims Jeremy Corbyn In His Deathbed Video
A spokesman for Ikea later confirmed that Mr Corbyn had been lying on a bed in one of their stores when the video had been filmed, and that he seemed fine when he left.
Rumours Continue That Twitter Will Shut Down In 2017
Views have been sought from the remaining half dozen Twitter accounts that are run by real people rather than bots. They were too busy trolling each other to comment, however.
Donald Trump Escalates Bizarre Comments That Alienate Increasing Numbers Of Americans
'I must anger more people,' Mr Trump told his psychiatrist today, 'or I'll be president and not know what to do.'
'That's progress,' said the psychiatrist. 'It's the sanest thing he's ever said.'
Conservative MPs And Activists Flock To Join Labour Party
'This is a cynical ploy,' said a Labour Party spokesman, 'to re-appoint Jeremy Corbyn and hence eliminate Labour as a serious political force in the UK until at least after the next general election.'
Labour Party Continues To Argue About Who Can Vote For New Leader
'We fully support democracy,' said a spokesman for Labour's National Executive Committee, 'but openness and inclusiveness is of no use if the ignorant, devious bastards vote for the wrong person.'
Anger As Ofsted Chairman Calls The Isle of Wight: 'A Ghetto Where There Has Been Inbreeding'.
'IOW residents wouldn't have been able to read what I said,' Ofsted Chairman, David Hoare, told reporters. 'Somebody must have visited their caves and told them.'
Australia To Move Longitude And Latitude To Correct Mismatch Between Local Co-ordinates And GPS
Nicola Sturgeon is said to be considering a similar move to place Scotland in central Europe.
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