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Fat girls give better blow-jobs, official.
An ex-Olympic swimming & big moustache star has come out of the closet. Without naming names, we'll just say Mark Spitz, but his boyfriend swallows . . .
It is reported that anti-drug song "White Lines" is the most requested song by cocaine users in nightclubs across the globe.
All men are created equal
All men are created equal, except of course for the blacks and the Irish.
New chemical weapons taste-tested
The ever popular Mustard gas is to be joined in the love-it-or-hate-it taste and terror stakes with new, improved and stickier Marmite Gas.
Seve's Brain Op. in last gasp drama
Golfing legend Seve Ballesteros life-saving operation hit a last minute glitch. Scans of his frontal lobes revealed he had a hole in one.
New Flavour for world poverty
Credit Crunch, the latest daily serving on everyons breakfast table is now available in Sour Grape flavour.
Obama is the new Barack
But Rednecks want White Dubya back
Met Office Closes Down
The department responsible for weather reporting throughout the UK has closed down for good. A spokesman said, "The weather just changes ALL the time, we cant be arsed with it any more"
Cricket is wank. Official
After 110 years in the limelight, the snooty, 'sport' snorathon, for middle-class talentless twats has been regraded as 'Pointless Fuckery' by the Italian cock-stroking association.
Maradona missing presumed addicted to Buckfast
After only 24 hours in Glasgow, Diego Maradona has gone missing after visiting an off-license. A man fitting his description was later seen on a kerb shouting "Ahm tha fookin hand o' bastard god, me!"
It has been pointed out by an unnamed source that "If the Chinese are so wise, how come they celebrate New Year in the middle of fucking February?"
Hollywood Fame Maim Game
BJBE or 'Black Jack Blacks Eyes' is becoming the hot game this year, due to overhyping of his shite movies. "I cant wait to pop the little shit one on the hooter" said famous psychopath Dennis Hopper.
Girl Guide & Boy Scout Leaders tie the knot
And headline writer stabbed by bad pun vigilante.
Popeye Dolls to sue Simon Cowell for name theft
Little known Ukranian toymakers LeadPayntGameKorp, makers of replica dolls of popular Spinach addict Popeye, are suing Simon Cowell. Serves the smug cunt right. Wanker.
Mini Pringles to replace communion wafer
In a move to boost church finances, they have finally gone down the road of commercial christianity. Look out for the New Improved Testament, sponsored by CocaCola, hitting the bookshelves this Xmas!
Pop Stars bad lyrics lead to Poetic Licence being Revoked
The weeping, mediocre X-Factor generation was in turmoil today at the news that from midnight, lyrics must have substance, originality and emotion. Louis Walsh was rushed to hospital with chest pains.
Housewarming Party to stand in next general election
Admittedly, no-one is too sure how this surreal pun is going to work in reality. But, they cant be worst than't last bloody lot, can they, eh? eh?
Haitian Earthquake produces 'Perfect Milkshake'
Corporate warmongers & taste-free burger makers McDonalds execs. celebrated today with news that a recent 7.9 tremor in central Haiti created perfect milkshake consistency. Oh, & 193,000 locals died.
Exorcising Demons makes them fitter - report
Priests have been warned off exorcisms, as, if you believe the headline, it actually increases demonic strength. But, its probably bollocks.
TV presenters alcohol shame - Jamie Theakstons bitter.
Bland, weak-faced pretty boy Jamie has been hitting the booze, ironically without his 'pint'-sized sidekicks Ant & Dick.
Its fortunate that his name is a feeble pun for a named brand Northern ale.
Mystery Laundry Masturbator Comes Clean
A TV celebrity caught wanking into Girls Alouds underwear at the BBC studios has confessed to his miscreance. Legally we cannot print his name, but a clue may be that he loves the smell of 'Daz'
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