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Mafia involvement in NASCAR feared
Mob influence suspected when Sicilian driver Barfino Vomitelli wins championship in a Geo Metro after all other competitors turn up at bottom of East River.
Mormon Church seeks new recruiting slogan
Admits lackluster response to its present slogan: "The L.D.S. Church - recognizing that black people are human since 1979!"
PAKISTAN: Female presidential candidate assassinated just prior to election; her opposition party crumbles
In U.S., Hillary Clinton tells Republicans: "Now, don't go getting any ideas from this, fellas!"
Man shot through head; in hospital in satisfactory condition
"Wow! Now THERE'S a guy who's easy to please!" say amazed doctors.
Larry Craig changes position on gay marriage - he's now for it
Disgraced Senator explains: "After all, for years my own wife was in a gay marriage, and she didn't even know it!"
O.J. Simpson announces his defense strategy: "Mark Fuhrman is a racist!"
"It worked before." notes O.J.
SECOND COMING OF CHRIST: Jesus announces His return, in interview from Salt Lake City
"Uh-oh." says Pope.
Seemingly able-bodied man asked why he parked in handicap space
Replies: "I suffer from La Tourette's Syndrome, you ****ing cunt slut whore! Now eat my cock 'til you **** out my cum!
Anti-Defamation League thinks headline directly below this one might be anti-Semitic
ADL president Abe Foxman explains, "We haven't quite decided whether it is or not, but for now play it safe and don't laugh at it."
Brooklyn Jewish Academy football team loses 492nd straight game
"But at least, thank God, nobody got hurt." says Coach Yankelbaum.
Larry Craig says: "I am not gay - not that there's anything wrong with that!"
GOP Senator admits, "Ever since 'Seinfeld' went off the air, nobody gets this joke."
It's official: More people now make a living off of 9/11 than died in it
"I owe my career to 9/11. Without it, I'd be nowhere." says Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff, one of 60,000 otherwise unemployable pigs with their snouts now permanently in the federal trough.
Ron Paul criticizes NASA for scheduling lunar eclipse "at such an ungodly hour".
"NASA says the eclipse will be from 1:54 to 3:25 AM?" said the GOP Presidential candidate. "Why schedule it for when most people are asleep? Another example of government mismanagement, I say!"
In speech, President Bush compares Iraq to Vietnam
Meaning we're losing THIS one, too.
It's official: upcoming Jenna Bush/Henry Hagar marriage a shotgun wedding
"And it's MY shotgun." VP Dick Cheney warns Hagar. "So if you think I'm bluffing, just ask Harry Whittington."
Two Italian teens from feuding families die in bizarre suicide pact
Shakespeare brought in for questioning; police say only English Lit majors ever get this joke.
Bush admits Iraq had no WMDs - declares war on himself
"I'm no longer with me, so I must be against me - right?" explains deeply confused President
U.S. Postal Service issues new commemorative stamp honoring America's prostitutes
Stamp costs 41 cents, but if you want to lick it that's 10 cents extra.
Mormon man joins "Promise Keepers"
Vows to be faithful to all six of his wives.
It's official: none of these spoof snippets is funny
except of course for mine, says websmuggler
Minneapolis bridge collapses, cars plunge into river, motorists drown
Ted Kennedy comments, "Well! Maybe now they know how it feels!"
Man Dies of Viagra Overdose
Grieving family can't get his casket lid shut.
Religious Right again declares: human life begins at conception
Demands that Census count every pregnant woman as two people.
Man receives world's first penis transplant
But his right hand is rejecting it.
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