Showing snippets written by Johnny Ovaltine.
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Tom Cruise Takes One for Lindsay Lohan
"I wasn't driving the truck when the 7 guys went flying off the back but, she was drunk, she's bigger than me and I was scared…what was I supposed to do?"
Mary-Kate Enraged Over Kingsley Kiss
"It wasn't even in the script…especially the spittle and groping…I mean, by the time I figured out what was going on, we were at his camper on the set and I had a hickey…"
Fudge Packers Tired of Being the Butt of Jokes
"Ever since they changed the name of the piece of the expressway that runs by the factory to 'Hershey Highway' it's been nothing but trouble."
Russell Crowe Furious With Cast of Gladiator II
"I swear, if they call me 'Gluteous Maximus' one more time..."
Philosophical Axiom Found on Parchment Buried in Pyramid
"He who goes to bed with itchy buttocks wakes up with smelly fingers."
Wong Ching Lung: Hom Si Quan Not Really My Brother
It's just something we say when we need help. "Brother! They've killed Well Hung Lo!" How else do you get someone to fight to the death if they're not related to you?
Man found burned, shot, mutilated and handcuffed in trunk of car
Sheriff Ray Cist says, "This is definitely the worst case of suicide that I've ever seen..."
Woman Earns Masters Degree At 94!
"Now that I've got my degree, the sky's the limit!" she said just before collapsing from a massive coronary. She was pronounced dead just 15 minutes after graduation.
George 'the hairy' Bush and 'Brown-eye' Gordon Meet at Camp David
"If we only had a pair of nards between us we'd really have something!
Arnold The Governator Gets New Sandwich
"Hey, girly-man, I have a new sandwich at Wendy's. The Baconator. Eat it or be terminated..."
Lindsay Lohan: Not My Peruvian Flake
"We were playing that game where you change your pants with the person next to you when you're driving, that's when we got pulled over."
Monica Lewinski on Clinton
"I didn't do it, but if I did do it, here's how I would have done it..."
Olympic Pole Vaulter Tired of Vaulting Poles
"Ever since the incident in 2004, my voice has been a few octacves higher... I don't know why the Olympic Commission decided to replace my talcum powder with that oil based lubricant but, I think it was a bad move."
Snoop Doggy Dog Getting Sued By Snoopy
"Look, my name is Snoopy and I'm a dog. What more evidence do you need that he stole my name? Moving the letter 'Y' does not make a new name."
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