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Flag Business at Half-Staff

Cuts at GM, Chrysler dealerships "devastating" to Giant American Flag industry.

written by Heewack, 16 May 2009

Jenna Bush 'No Longer a Virgin,' White House Says

"She is now a woman," White House press secretary Dana Perino said in statement. "I can confirm that her new husband gave it to her good over the weekend."

written by Heewack, 12 May 2008

Son Steps on Crack, Breaks Mom's Back

Irresponsible action by 8-year-old Tommy Jetpack results in mom being a quadriplegic. "I can't make macaroni and cheese for you anymore," she blinks.

written by Heewack, 12 May 2008

Displaced White House Workers Get FEMA Trailers

WASHINGTON (HNN) -- Workers displaced this week by a fire at the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, including Vice President Dick Cheney, will work out of FEMA trailers until their offices can be repaired, expected some time in 2014.

written by Heewack, 19 December 2007

Jamie Lynn Spears' Fetus Announces It's Pregnant

The 12-week old fetus of 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears announced that it is expecting twins next July. The father-to-be, reportedly a tapeworm in Jamie's digestive tract, is said to be "thrilled" by the development.

written by Heewack, 19 December 2007

DJ Suspended for "Phrase that Pays"

HOUSTON--KCON-FM morning show host Al Kada was suspended today when he dropped an hammer on his foot just as he was about to let listeners know the "Phrase That Pays." Station officials told listeners that "Oh $#@&%-@&#$" was not the Phrase That Pays.

written by Heewack, 18 December 2007

Dad Asks Embarrassing Questions About 'Halo 3'

OMAHA, Nebraska (HNN) -- David Volumeknob, 16, accused his father, Fred, 48, of "totally embarrassing him" in front of his friends as he played Halo 3 on the family X-Box system by asking stupid questions such as "What does that do?"

written by Heewack, 25 October 2007

Pavarotti 'Never Got to Finish Harry Potter Book'

"It was one of his greatest regrets," a family spokesman said. "We tried to read it to him, but we were only about halfway through. Now he'll never know how it ended."

written by Heewack, 06 September 2007

Brain-Racking Injuries on Rise, Officials Say

The Centers for Disease Control reports that the number of people injured while racking their brain has more than doubled since 2000. "People should rack their brains with care and avoid sudden movements," said CDC official Andrew Gutcheck, M.D.

written by Heewack, 05 September 2007

Wife Wants Another $%#*#@ Baby

LANCASTER, California--As she watched her youngest daughter, Britney, traipse off to her first day of kindergarten, Andrea Maloney, 31, once again told husband Tom that she wants to have another baby. "Oh jeez, not this again," he reportedly said.

written by Heewack, 04 September 2007

Cow Flees Farm, Seeks Asylum in India

Officials in New Delhi have not decided whether or not to grant asylum or deport Bessie. "They're going to eat me!" Bessie insists. Her owner, farmer Inda Dell of Norwalk, Ohio, disputes her claim, saying Bessie is a "milk cow."

written by Heewack, 21 August 2007

Satan has "Room All Ready" for Leona Helmsley

"It's very tastefully appointed," Satan said of the room prepared for the immenent arrival of the "Queen of Mean," who died August 20. He added that he "hasn't been this excited about a new arrival since Saddam Hussein."

written by Heewack, 20 August 2007

Everyone Officially Sick of "Hey There Delilah"

Most surveyed said they would rather be killed by a car bomb than hear the Plain White T's song one more $%&@& time for pete's sake already...

written by Heewack, 17 August 2007

Bolivia Purchases Coastal Time-Share

LA PAZ--The government of landlocked Bolivia has purchased a time-share for a condo in St. Petersburg, Florida to be used on a rotating basis by its 9 million citizens.

written by Heewack, 14 August 2007

Gambler Down to Last Quarter Wins 50 Cents

"I'm quitting while I'm ahead," said Dave Dipschiett of Las Vegas, who says he plans to use his winnings to open a retirement account.

written by Heewack, 13 August 2007

Amy Winehouse Enjoys 30th Consecutive Minute of Sobriety

"I feel great!" the waif-like singer declares. She and husband plan to celebrate new sobriety with a 23-kegger at local hotel.

written by Heewack, 12 August 2007

American Fans Angry that Beckham Isn't Scoring 30 Goals a Game

"I don't really understand the hype about him," said Erick Bronson, 42, of Alexandria, Va., who only began following soccer last year. "All he did the other night was pass the ball."

written by Heewack, 11 August 2007

Peter Frampton to Perform Live Version of 'Frampton Comes Alive'

"It's something I've always wanted to do," said former Humble Pie guitarist, now 57.

written by Heewack, 08 August 2007

Canada Calls Off Invasion of U.S.

"The more we looked at it, the less sense it made," said Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. However, Quebec still plans to claim Florida, at least for the winter months...

written by Heewack, 06 August 2007

Man Unable to Quantify Being 'Happy as a Clam'

Asked by friends what exactly that meant, Robert Talladega, 23, of Calabasas, California admitted he "had no $#%@*&$ idea."

written by Heewack, 05 August 2007

Train Leaving Boston at 3:15 Traveling at 35 mph Collides with Train Leaving Chicago at 4:00 Traveling at 26 mph

"This was a math problem just waiting to happen," said investigator Arnold Pillbox...

written by Heewack, 02 August 2007

British Tourists Infest Disney World

ORLANDO, Fla. (HNN) -- Local officials are trying to figure out what to do with a massive infestation of British tourists at Walt Disney World. Controlled spraying has thus far proven ineffective, officials said.

written by Heewack, 01 August 2007

John Barleycorn Really Is Dead

Widow says stress caused by prophetic Traffic album finally got to him. "I don't know how anyone could live with that hanging over his head," said Edna Barleycorn, 73.

written by Heewack, 01 August 2007

Contestant on 'Deal or No Deal?' Asks Howie to Repeat Question

"Sorry, I didn't hear you the first time," said Albert Channelock of Peoria, Ill.

written by Heewack, 01 August 2007

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