Showing snippets written by P.M. Wortham.
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Wings Win 22nd, Wortham Overdoses on Chelie's Chili Dogs
Spoofer PM Wortham gigs on one too many chili dogs at Chelie's and pays the gaseous price at the Red Wings 22nd home win. Fans gave Wortham the stink eye. Wortham just gave them the stink.
New Breakfast Cereal for Impotent Men
Marketed as "Nut & Raisin Honey", this new breakfast cereal will put a little 'Gitty Up' in your Droopy Dangle.
Massengill Desert Spring Cures Dry Crotches
New combination douche and personal lubrication product cures the dryest personal desert problem. If your cave produces nothing but dust, Desert Spring is the product for you.
"Cheese Away" Product Available for Men Who Don't Wash
For men who have difficulty understanding their nutsacks should not have "layers" of gummy material caked on them, Cheese Away dries out and flakes off weeks of accumulated ball cheese.
Herman Munster Loses Test Driver Job
Accidentally poking his flat topped melon through several convertable tops in the two-seater GM sports car line, test driver Munster was shown the door, though he dented the door frame too.
Harry Bawlsax Named Mayor of Smegma Falls
Fighting to keep the name of his city unchanged, Bawlsax won today's mayoral election and retained the name of odiferous town as Smegma Falls, Wyoming.
All Mexican Restaurants Closed
Cited as the single largest source of global warming through human refried bean methane production, all US Mexican restaurants were closed by the FDA.
Glenn Beck Surgically Alters Tear Ducts
Shedding tears on demand by squeezing his left testacle, Glenn Beck added more well orchestrated drama to his show. The tears appear to be thick and white.
World's Longest Armpit Hair Record Broken
Braided into two separate pony tails, the 47 CM long pitt hair braids of Mrs. Edna Frumpston set new world record.
Man Bites Dog But She Lives to Divorce Him
Following a night of heavy drinking, coyote ugly sex and a Vegas marriage, Vern Shanks bites his wife's arm off in the morning to get away.
SPAM Now a Salt Substitute
Provided you like the taste of Pork, thinly shaven SPAM shards add as much salt flavor to a dish as real salt, at a fraction the cost of actual salt!
Office Destops Now Made from Recycled Paper
"Great for the environment", says office furniture salesman Deszi Zellmore, "But I wouldn't spill a drop of coffee on it".
Teen's Private Santa Note Answered by MOM!
Privately asking for condoms, Santa responding in suspicious handwriting looking like own mother's, asked if he preferred ribbed or lubed.
Bon Jovi Collector Misinterprets 'Slippery When Wet'
Classic Bon Jovi vinyl collector admits years later, that he thought the breakthrough album for the group was based on driving in rainy conditions. He's still a virgin.
Parking Cops Trade Boot for Windshield Laser Imprint
Eliminating the expensive boot altogether, a new process that laser burns the words "PARKING BITCH" across the windshield, is only reversed at the station once fines are paid in full.
Homely Man Agrees to Wear Mask for Life
The personal section is full of hook up requests, including a plea from a homely but fit man looking for a wife. He agrees to wear a mask of Brad Pitt for life to secure the deal.
New Urban Dictionary Changes Coochie to Poochie
Explaining the logic for the change, dictionary author G-Ram Master Flash tells reporters that it looks and smells more like his dog's ass than anything else. "Wash that Poochie"
New York Woman Wants Shingles
Confused over a classified ad, Homer Oozel offers his Herpes Type II body to the New York woman only to find that she needed the "other kind" for her roof.
Detroit Builds 100 MPG Car - Nobody Cares
Following years of painstaking design, engineers have perfected the 100 MPG car, but is so hideous, that consumers would rather take the bus.
Bush Gets Trimmed, His Italian Barber Upset
Simply an act of convenience back in Texas, "W" got a haircut at a local barbershop instead of from his regular Italian White House barber. Aldo Spinelli replied, "Nobody trims the Bush but me!"
Jacko Sneezes on Paparazzi, Gets Sued
Looking for a quick cash settlement, a local paparazzi who was accidentally sneezed on by Michael Jackson has sued for "Battery", claiming he was done irreparable harm by Jacko's phlegm.
Artie Lange Writes Bestseller?
Fresh from heroin addiction, drug rehab and several bouts with his analyst, Mr. Lange managed to write enough words to fill a tell-all book. Trading heroin for cupcakes, he is now addicted to food.
Tiny Tim's Eukulele Sells for 1.3 Million
Feared lost among television paraphernalia, the puny string guitar from Johnny Carson's frequently visiting falsetto guest sold at auction to Myron Fump, a eunuch and former Vienna Boys Choir member.
Oprah Lavishes Gifts on Homeless Audience
Inviting Chicago's homeless into her audience for a special episode, Oprah donated numerous gifts to them all including; Dyson vacuums, RevereWare pots, Hamilton blenders, and Swiffer Wet Jets.
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