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Cheney Wins Marathon
Riding on the backs of two black-hooded Gitmo detainees bridled for the occasion, bullwhip in hand.
Bush Awakens From Louisiana Nightmare
The President described the bad dream as "terrible," saying "I was surrounded by black folks and no Secret Service," as he barely restrained a shiver and hugged his Binky.
American Deriding Soccer Kicked in the Face
A fat, beer-swilling American was kicked in the face by soccer hooligans in a pub in London after saying, "Soccer is mad gay, yo!" one too many times. The kicker was heard to say, "It's football you dumb ****e!" in barely understandable Cockney before delivering the telling blow.
Chuck Norris visits New York City
The residents of Gotham wisely evacuated the city, only narrowly saving themselves from death by roundhouse kick.
Cheney Wins Mr. Universe Competition
The victorious VP pulled out a win by drinking the souls of his opponents from a goblet made from the hollowed-out skull of an Iranian virgin during a ghastly ritual.
Bush Has 30 Seconds of Clear, Unmuddled Logical Thought
The visibly disturbed War President swore never to do that again and locked himself away to watch "Gunsmoke" on DVD for a week to straighten himself out.
Boy Expecting Happy Ending Disappointed
His dog hadn't run away and gone on a grand adventure as he had been told. Rather, his parents ran it over and lied to him. Neighbors called the dog "an annoying bastard" and said "good riddance!"
Fat Wealthy Man Gets Smoking Hot Girlfriend
Three nearby gentlemen pretended as though they would not have sex with the woman in question on principles, calling her a "gold digger" while undressing her with their eyes.
International Snake-Handling Convention Goes Terribly Wrong
Surveying the room full of corpses and poisonous vipers, NYC detective Ray Broward said, "Who's gonna vote for Giuliani now?"
Self-Castrated Man on the Prowl
Said the man, "Let's see those girls at the office kick me in the nuts when I hit on them now!" Nearby female co-workers wretched in disbelief.
Gordon Brown Can Juggle and Lie Simultaneously
In a true feat of acrobatics, the Prime Minister juggled five brightly coloured plastic baubles while insisting that the invasion of Iraq was necessary and justified.
Tony Blair to Visit Abu Ghraib Prison
The outgoing Prime Minister seemed disproportionately excited at the prospect of the humiliations he was certain to endure within the infamous prison.
Hugo Chavez Challenges Bush to "Yo Momma" Contest
The Venezuelan President began the contest with, "His momma so fat, you need a map to get around her!" Onlookers hooted and impugned Bush's manhood.
Mr. T Changes Name to Mr. X, Says it "Just Sounds Cooler"
The famed mohawked one declared, "I pity the fool who calls me Mr. T! Mr. X don't play that game! Aargh!"
Bush caught pawing at self in mirror
The President was seen in the White House pawing at his own reflection in a mirror. Secret Service agents spent 10 minutes convincing him that he didn't have an evil twin.
Jesus Returns to Earth and then Leaves Again
Believers awaiting the Apocalypse upon their savior's return were dismayed to learn that he "Just came to get some nachos."
Congressional Ethics Panel Rules Tribal Armband Tatoos "Unoriginal"
Aspiring gym teachers and self-proclaimed Badasses were seen to weep as the ruling was read. A coalition of actual Maori tribesmen seeks to have the ruling reversed, saying "We did it first!"
Bush "Not the Father"
A crying Tammy Brown was shattered to learn that President George W. Bush was "not the father" of her baby before a live studio audience on Maury Povich. Said Bush, "Pimpin' ain't easy, and sometimes it ain't fun either."
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