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Secretary loses Roy Pearson's Favourite Biro
Judge Pearson is seeking $100 million in damages. $99 million is for the "emotional distress" caused by losing his favourite $1 biro. Case to be heard in Cloud Cuckoo Land.
Pinocchio to Play Tony Blair in New Film
"I've had to really control my nose when talking about the Iraq War and the Sexed-Up Dossier," admitted the Italian Movie Star.
Ian Hislop Elected King of the Gnomes
"It's a wonderful honour," said a pleased-as-punch Hislop.
Blair Sells Scotland to Poland
"There's a lot the UK can offer Europe," admitted the 'Sell You Down The River' specialist, Blair.
Eeyore admits to Self-Harming
"I've had good days and bad days. Mostly bad days," admitted the depressed Donkey.
Piglet Comes Out of the Closet
Hundred-Acres-Wood resident, Piglet admits to being a homosexual. Eeyore was unavailable for comment.
Pinocchio the New CEO of OJ Lie Detectors inc.
"He's got an immaculate track record in our industry," advised his spokesman, Moomintroll.
Salman Rushdie Voted Celebrity Most Pakistanis Would Like to Meet
"I'm going to hold a big party to celebrate and invite all my friends!" confided legendary blasphemer, Rushdie.
International Rescue Fined For Health and Safety Breaches
"Tracy Island is temporarily shut down while several risk assessments are undertaken," commented Thunderbirds spokesman, Brains.
Emily Parr to Host 2007 MOBO Awards
"I'm looking really forward to seeing all my fellow niggers push it out!" exclaimed the recently-evicted Big Brother moron.
Jade Goody to Host New Series of "Black and White Minstrels"
"I'm really looking forward to seeing all the funny gollywogs dance!" she commented.
Humpty Dumpty Dies in Hot Weather
"When we got to him his insides were fried!" Advised Toytown Hospital.
Formula 1 officially voted "Most Boring Sport."
Dwarven Billionaire Bernie Ecclestone was shocked last night to hear that F1 had been voted the most boring sport. "Why can't people just enjoy the technical spectacle of one car following another with no possibility of overtaking?"
Gordon Brown Denies Homosexual Love Affair with Tony Blair
"He most definitely denies it," said the Prime Minister-in-waiting's spokesman, Danny La Rue.
Lord Falconer Admits Sleeping With Tony Blair
"We would often snuggle up in our dorm if it was chilly," admits Blair's best buddy.
Gordon Brown Attacked by Giant Moths
"It happened when the Prime Minister-in-waiting opened his wallet," explained his spokesman, Winston Smith.
Willy Wonka sacks 15% of Workforce
TUC expresses anger at Mr. Wonka's cost-cutting exercise saying it will prove hard for redundant Oompah-Loompah's to find alternative work.
Iran copies ITV's "Britain's Got Talent"
"The favourite to win is the suicide ventroloquist, Asif Iwood, whose puppet is a talking hand grenade called Abdul Pulldipinowt." Reported Iran TV critic, Minz Meet. "We've booked him on a round-the-country tour of Israel."
Rose West given MBE
"It's for her charity work inside prison," defended the Queens Spokesman, Sweeney Todd.
BBC Not Biased towards "liberal viewpoint" and "lefty, ethnic minority gay workforce."
"It's patently untrue," said BBC Spokeswoman and Guardian columnist, Pansy McGandhi. "We advertise jobs in both The Homosexual Immigrant Worker AND The Lesbian Muslim Times."
Teddy Sheringham Denies Lying to Police
"I'm 41 years old," said the 61 year-old footballing legend.
Foreign Lorry Driver Breaks World Record for Most Days Without Sleep
Romanian driver, Nasti Flemikov, admitted driving on Britain's roads for 29 days without sleep delivering cuddly toys to funfairs. "I had no choice. If I didn't my firm would have killed my family!"
Connie Talbot in Bar Brawl
Reports of last night's loser of "Britain's Got Talent" in bar brawl with the "Cheeky Bits" denied by the six-year old's parents.
Labour hits back at Critics of its Immigration Policies
"The population of Great Britain needs to start listening to its masters and stop thinking for itself," commented Labour Diversity Spokesperson, Winston Smith. "Or there will be no choco-rations next week."
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