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Obama to Pardon OJ
Barack Obama announced that he will pardon OJ Simpson once he takes office as President. "I've always been a fan of The Juice," said Obama. "The man could slice through like no other running back."
Apathy Association Schedules First Meeting
The American Apathy Association scheduled its first meeting for April 31, 2009. It will take place in a cereal box with sufficient capacity for the biggest turnout in the history of apathetics.
Palin Out; Tina Fey to be VP Candidate
Sarah Palin is withdrawing as VP candidate. Tina Fey will replace her on the ticket. "She's funny," said McCain. Liberals like her and conservatives can't tell the difference.
Bush Vetoes Bailout
President Bush vetoed the bailout package late Friday. "I can't believe those jackasses in Congress thought I'd really blow a trillion dollars so easy. It's not like it's a stupid war or anything!"
McCain Shifts Campaign to Mexico
Having given up on Michigan Wednesday, John McCain has now given up on campaigning in the US. He's now focusing on Mexico in the hope that support there will trickle up to voters.
John Birch Society Merges with Council on Foreign Relations
After years of antagonism, the Birchers bought the CFR for $87. The deal includes $9.8 billion in mortgages, plus a treasure trove of secret documents showing how the CFR has dominated the world.
Washington searches for answers. Obama and McCain expressed confidence in Bernanke and Paulson in a joint statement. "They've gotten us this far, so let's ride them to Armageddon!"
Crisis on Wall Street!
Forget Lehman Brothers and Merrill Lynch. The hot dog vendors may go on strike! There'll be blood in the streets if that happens.
Olympics in Tibet for 2018
The 2018 Winter Olympics will be held in Tibet. The Dalai Lama is expected to carry the torch into a new stadium built for the event. Unless he's dead by then.
Al Gore Says No to VP for Obama
Al Gore declined Barack Obama's offer to be VP candidate. "Been there, done that," he said. Gore remains focused on global warming, and will keep blowing hot air about it.
Meteor Headed For Earth
NASA identified a meteor that is likely to hit the Earth within a few days. It is expected to strike somewhere between Los Angeles and San Francisco, fulfilling prophecies about Sodom and Gomorrah.
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