Showing snippets written by Toby Maller.
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Murray: I'd love to beat Federer
Rising British tennis star Andy Murray has confessed he'd love to beat world number one Roger Federer. He told reporters: 'I'd love to beat the **** out of the smug twat with a burning stick'.
BBC's Johnston wins press award
The Gaza correspondant was named broadcast journalist of the year, but failed to show up to collect his award.
Money does grow on trees
Researchers at Wibsley Primary School reveal that paper comes from trees.
Japan ends whale hunts
Japanese officials say they have successfully harpooned several hundred rare whales they claim were hunting fish.
God: Reds don't have the depth
God Almighty has tipped Italy's Inter Milan to beat Liverpool in the European Champion's League cup final. Speaking from a cloud the deity said: I just think Milan have got a stronger overall squad
Doherty in arrest shock
Smackhead Pete Doherty has shocked fans after it was revealed he hasn't been arrested in the last few days.
Mandella given ASBO
Nelson Mandella has been served with an Anti-Social Behaviour Order after attacking his former golf partner. The ageing anarchist struck out after his parnter caused a par tied situation.
Bush: Queen touched me
President Bush says that the Queen's speech at the end of her State visit touched him deeply. The Queen said of Mr Bush 'he's a bit simple'.
Campbell: We won
Fears are growing for the mental health of Lib Dem leader Sir Menzies Campbell after he insisted his party performed 'very, very well' in last week's local elections.
Italy 'confused' over war
Italy's Prime Minister Romano Prodi has admitted that the intense in-fighting between dozens of groups in Iraq has caused confusion over which fence his country should sit on.
Kent quake cost $80m
It's been revealed that last week's tremor off the coast of Kent cost the government $80m. Tory leader David Cameron reacted to the news by saying 'what a waste of money - if anything it did more harm than good'.
Google launches 'google ass wipe'
Internet giant Google has announced an ass wiping service. The new function further strengthens the company's dominance of the online market.
Boy George: I'm gay
Eighties pop icon Boy George has stunned fans by announcing that he's homosexual. The notorious hard man told music website NME.com that it felt good to finally come out of the closet.
US to invade Britain
President Bush has vowed to attack Great Britain if Tony Blair steps down next week. Mr Bush made the threat after meeting with Gordon Brown for the first time.
Redundancies at Tracey Island
International Rescue have announced that they are in consultation with unions over job losses after product development manager Brains left the company to Join Stingray.
Jamie Foxx to play Hawking
Multi-talented superstar Jamie Foxx is to play Steven Hawking in a film about the astro-physicist's life. Speaking of Hawking, Foxx said: "I truly dig dat spaz".
Noel Edmonds badly injured in gun battle
Popular TV host Noel Edmonds has been seriously wounded in a shoot-out at his home in Crinkley Bottom. Police want to question a large pink man with yellow spots about the incident.
Mourinho: God isn't 'all that'
The Chelsea boss hits out at God Almighty in his new biography, saying that his current side could do a better job of creating a universe.
A-Team in Iraq
Sources reveal the fabled crime time are again active. They were deployed to Baghdad at the personal request of President Bush, who was "impressed by these folk's work" in the 80's.
Rich man wins croquet game
A wealthy man has won a croquet game in the grounds of a stately home in Surrey. The man beat a number of other wealthy men to claim victory.
Tornado hits Birmingham
A tornado measuring over a mile in width has swept through Birmingham. Early reports say the 200 mph winds have caused "billions of pounds worth of improvements."
Reid to die in summer
Home Secretary John Reid has announced that he will take his own life when Tony Blair steps down next week. Mr Reid cited a 'broken heart' as the reason behind his decision.
Bin Laden: I love The Office
Osama Bin Laden has revealed that The Office is his favourite TV show. The heart-throb told reporters whilst in London to promote a new terror campaign.
Branson launches female escort service
Richard Branson has launched a new female escort agency called 'Virgin Women'. The new company will compete against rival Stelios's 'Easy Women'.
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