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Image of potato found in Jesus
The clear outline of a potato has been found in the mummified corpse of Jesus, currently on display in the Vatican. The Pope was said to be "shitting himself" with exciting upon the discovery.
Bull in a China shop
There was panic today when China announced that this years' economic growth will be only 8.5%, instead of the predicted 9%. "It is a catastrophe!" wailed one economist. "We're all going to die!"
Ku-wait a minute!
The Emir of Kuwait today dissolved parliament. Onlookers were suspicious that something funny was happening after he recently bought a giant vat of acid.
DR Congo struck off
The British Association of Patients (BAP) have decided that DR Congo is no longer fit to practise medicine. A failed doctor, Congo is corrupt, open to bribery and prone to violence.
Medium Derek Acora killed himself today in an attempt to prove that ghosts are real. "I'll come back and haunt you sceptical bastards," he said before shooting himself.
His ghost has not been seen.
Lady-man-boobs on the rise
Amid a worrying rise in female drinking habits, this year there has been a 300% increase in operations to remove female moobs, or foobs.
Greece sees general strike
A general strike is under way in Greece. Fortunately, the Greek army are not being used at the moment, so Field Marshal Stavros does not miss his generals.
Middle East debt swap?
Palestinian leaders have offered Israel the chance to swap debts to help ease their financial troubles. They would like to swap every $1000 of their own debt for $1 of Israeli debt.
NATO to go back to Libya?
Libyan rebels, fighting against their newly-installed government, have asked NATO for help. Their leader, Mr Faggadi, who wore shades and a hat, said, "With outside help we can take back our country."
Swede wins Nobel Literature Prize
A Swede has won the 2012 Nobel Literature Prize. It is thought this is the first time a vegetable has won the prize since Barry the Parsnip in 1957.
Olympics coming up
Organisers of the London 2012 Olympics have said that in between athletics events, spectators will be entertained by competitive chess matches - also known as inter-race pawn features.
"Worthing is worth ingots of wort hinges," says Newcastle's 'wor Thing'. "I spent ages worthing Worthing, I also know its worth in grams now or thin grams."
7-11's 9/11 10th
In tribute to the 10th anniversary of the September 11th attacks on New York, US chain 7-11 has renamed itself 9-11. It will now open at 9 o'clock in the morning instead of at 7.
9/11 "could happen again"
Time scientists have suggested that America could be facing another 9/11! It is estimated that it could happen as soon as this month, just after the 10th of September.
UN 'uns unbelievable undoing
The UN World Population Council held crisis talks this week about the rising world population. This morning they voted unanimously to commit mass suicide. The UN is now seeking new council members.
Microsoft release car
Microsoft have moved into the automobile industry with the release of their first car. The car comes with Windows but critics say that it is prone to crashing.
Hungry for it?
A Lebanese restaurant in West London has had to close its doors, after only receiving interest from dyslexic lesbians.
Holy fasting month begins
Today begins the holy Satanic month of Baal'a, where followers must avoid drinking blood during the day, and eat nothing but tree bark. The month ends in a celebration of goat slaughter and dancing.
Are you pregnant? Have you considered getting leprosy?
Then why not try new Leprosy+, the safe leprosy infection kit to guarantee you a pain-free childbirth.
Warning: may cause loss of extremities.
Willow trees in Surrey are to be armour plated to prevent hungry squirrels from damaging them with their nuts. Local Tony Christie objected to the plans, saying "Is this the way to armour willows?"
China condemns Obama meeting Dalai Lama
Chinese President Hu has condemned US President Obama's meeting with Tibetan leader the Dalai Lama today. He said, "Hey Balack! You work for us now. We tell you who you can meet."
Margaret Thatcher dies
Margaret Thatcher died on stage at a Conservative meeting today, when her speech didn't go down as well as she had hoped. She is hoping to write a better one next time.
Jamie's namey shame
Ten million packets of "Jamie Oliver's Pork Faggots" have been recalled, after a mistake at the packing factory led to them being erroneously labelled as "Jamie Oliver Porks Faggots".
Assange = News Of The World?
The left-wing Guardian newspaper continued to defend John Inman impersonator Julian Assange today, claiming "he hacks private data. It's completely different from hacking phones."
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