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Gun manufacturer shot by own gun
The CEO of a major U.S. gun manufacturer was rushed to intensive care this morning after having been mortally wounded by one of the firearms his company sells. He is listed in critical condition.
Monsanto patents masturbation, demands bodily fluids
Genetic engineering giant Monsanto has laid claim to masturbation, requiring those who wish to utilize their patented process submit each time a fresh sample of their sexual bodily fluids.
Child being shamed by standing on street corner missing
Since the Amber Alert is shut down, here's what we got left to go on. A 14-year-old was holding a sign reading I'M A THIEF! when three men rolled up in a nice car and drove him away of his own accord.
Spies shut down dry cleaner
Dry cleaning operation shut down in sting for sewing GPS-enabled thread into garments. Elaborate homeland spy operation uncovered.
Earthquake rattles Washington, Obama trapped
A magnitude 5.9 earthquake just shook the east coast. Anonymous sources report that President Obama is now trapped in the emergency bunker underneath the White House. News to follow.
Professional sports caught rigging finals
An octopus predicting the FIFA World Cup and a gorilla predicting basketball's Final Four? An investigation has discovered that the outcome of these games were rigged to favor the predictions.
Holiday food poisoning overwhelm hospitals
Hospitals across America are reporting an unprecedented surge in food poisoning cases this Thanksgiving holiday season. Epidemiologists trace the source back to turkeys tainted by Monsanto granary.
Facebook protests movie, disables website
Outraged by the upcoming release of The Social Network movie, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has pulled the plug on its popular website until Columbia Pictures agrees not to show the film.
Shared dreams reported among friends
Increased unemployment has allowed more people to sleep in, and many are starting to report sharing dreams with friends. The phenomenon has been launching some dreamers' new careers. Studies to follow
Silicon building blocks found in Einstein's brain
A study released today found glial cells in Albert Einstein's brain contain silicon-based DNA. Scientists are puzzled why something deemed pure science fiction would be found in the genius' mind.
Seattle rain threatens holiday fireworks
Public donations may have saved this year's Seattle July 4 fireworks, but heavy rains may put a damper on tonight's Lake Union festivities.
Just in time for Christmas
Living online has never been more fun. Sony today announced its new Brainbeam PS-6 gaming console with Biomedicom Chambers for extended play.
Frisbee turns 50
The popular Wham-O throw toy celebrates its 50th birthday party this summer. A popular chew toy among active canines, remember to get your pets spayed or neutered.
Batteries in the popular new iPhone line are overheating and bursting into flames claim several consumers in desert climes. Batteries may be replaced by returning the phones to an Apple outlet.
Gong Hits 4 Bush
In an attempt to counter his failing popularity ratings, President George W. Bush is planning a propaganda campaign to convince America that a push into Iran is necessary for democracy.
Sarina has God on her side
Tennis star Sarina Williams suffered a severe leg cramp destined to cost her the match when the skies opened up and an hour and a half rainstorm allowed recuperation and the win.
McDonalds to require diploma
To reduce the number of employees dropping out of school to work full time, the fast food chain will require young hires to have a high school diploma or equivalent degree.
Beware new Quack security breach
Uprise in original UNIX Quack login screen emulators at univerisities and public libraries. Identity theft is rampant.
Big Brother bill for dating services
Legislation before Congress would require dating websites to run criminal background checks on patrons
New suit hides pregnancy
A new suit using Hollywood layering techniques designed to hide pregnancies has become available for sale online.
Paris Hilton to take Anabuse
A nurse will administer the superstar drugs daily that cause nausea if alcohol is ingested. Hilton must foot the bill.
US drivers now pulling tricks of Europeans
Law enforcement have been discovering people coating their licence plates with hair spray in order to try and beat stoplight cameras.
New drunk driving law
If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
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