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Obama threatens to bomb Syria.
Vegas gives 13:1 odds on the E.U. just pussying out.
Early Reviews of Tron Reveal....
...the game still looks lame.
Cause of death determined in Mays case...
...apparently died from exhaustion trying to scrub that stain out of Michael Jackson's career.
"You're Terminated, Sucker!"
A bumbling museum night guard single-handedly destroyed SkyNet over the Memorial Day weekend. Police are investigating the incident as part of a larger terrorism conspiracy.
Obama to be on Tonight Show. Promises to be open and honest....
...despite Jim Cramer's warning to duck and cover.
Santa's Elf Arrested on Racketeering Charges....
...for taking bribes to remove kids from the naughty list.
Phillies Fans Rude
Phillies Fans Accuse Rays of Killing Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter
World Series Rained Out
Rays accused of summoning Odin to delay their imminent defeat.
Saw V Loses Weekend Box Office to High School Musical III
Entire "High School Musical" cast will be killed off in Saw VI. Film expected to break all records.
Palin Tells McCain to Stand Up to Obama...
...then leaves him for a younger man.
Donald Duck found dead, stuffed inside an unidentified turkey.
Body of renown character actor Foghorn Leghorn discovered inside Donald's body cavity. Fowl play suspected.
UFO Stalks "Rocket Man" Across English Channel
Reportedly kept offering him a ride then flying off.
Bush Adresses Nation on State of The Economy
Advises consumers to panic now and avoid the rush.
Sunspots missing. Earth cools.
Stop global cooling now. Feed cows beans.
Pigs Protest Obama's lipstick remark...
Resent being compared to a Republican.
Tyson Gay Drops Baton
"This has to be the first time in freaking history a gay guy hasn't been able to hold on to a baton," said George Bush.
Ghost of Vince Foster Endorses Obama
Clinton campaign compares him to Ron Brown for no apparent reason.
Mary-Kate Olsen Endorses Sports Shake...
Later discovers "A Protein Shake for Mary-Kate" only a porn film title.
Monkey Accuses Weasel of Sexual Harassment
Weasel claims "popping" was consensual.
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