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Santorum Says He Likes His Coffee "Blah"
At a recent campaign stop, GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum ordered a cup of "blah" coffee. Asked if he always orders his coffee that way, Santorum said he sometimes adds a little bullshit.
Bachmann Tells Those in 'Earthquake Irene's Path' to 'Stop, Drop, and Roll'
Michele Bachmann was apparently confused about recent events when she advised "people living on the West Coast" to "stop, drop, and roll away from Earthquake Irene."
In Strongest Move Yet, Obama Unfriends Gadhafi on Facebook
WASHINGTON D.C. - In a move sure to anger Gadhafi, U.S. President Barack Obama has deleted the Libyan dictator from his Facebook friends list.
Michele Bachmann Says the Grand Canyon Was Carved by George Washington
Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann stated at a fundraiser today that the Grand Canyon was hand carved by George Washington on Christmas in 1972 using the beak of a bald eagle.
Michele Bachmann Says Dinosaurs "Were Just Really Big Dogs"
Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann stated at a political rally that she believes dinosaurs, in addition to being placed here by satan to distract humans, were in fact just "enormous canines."
Republican Lawmakers Demand Oil Covered Birds in Gulf be Processed Into Fuel
Calling it a "potentially missed opportunity," Republican lawmakers have demanded that all oil covered birds affected by the BP spill be immediately ground into usable fuels.
Arizona Bans Chocolate Citing 'Extreme Brownness'
In a 28-0 vote, the Arizona Senate banned chocolate on the basis of it being "dangerously brown." Lawmakers were quick to point out that white chocolate will not be affected by this new law.
Feds Ban All Vampire Movies Citing 'Extreme Crap' Law
A little known federal law banning really crappy films from being watched is finally being enforced by the federal government. "Too little, too late" says one husband.
Voting Error Accidentally Eliminates All American Idol Contestants, No One Complains
In the first voting error in American Idol history, somehow all present contestants were eliminated. However, as of the time of publication, not one person has complained.
Feds Recall All Vehicles Due to Idiot Driver Risk
The federal government announced it is recalling all vehicles currently on the road due to the risk that they are being operated by idiots.
Balloon Pops in Baghdad, 82 Die From Heart Attack
82 people died from heart attacks when a balloon accidentally popped at a child's birthday party in Baghdad. Police arrested the boy and charged him with 'failure to maintain an inflatable object.'
Regular Person Involved in Traffic Accident, No One Concerned
The media had arrived to cover the accident after being told that there might have been a famous person involved. Once the media saw that it was a regular guy dangling out of the vehicle, they left.
Hybrid Toyota Powered by Baby Seals Causing Controversy
A new Toyota hybrid powered by baby seal meat and painted with bald eagle blood is causing more controversy for the troubled Toyota brand.
Guns to be Replaced by Flower Shooting Slingshots
Upon hearing the news that the bill had passed, former NRA president Charlton Heston reportedly rose from the dead, burned his flower garden, and threw a grenade at his neighbor's house.
Government Plans to Announce New 'Cash for Caulk' Home Improvement Program
A new Government program will ensure that all Americans have enough money for home improvement projects. The President seemed confused when the room erupted in laughter upon his announcement.
Tiger Woods Said to Suffer From First Case of 'Selective Sex Addiction'
Thanks to Tiger Woods, health experts today announced the discovery of a new type of sex addiction where the addict only has sex with amazingly gorgeous women with really large breasts.
Weed Killer Castrates Frogs, Wives Flock to Home Depot
After a recent report that a popular weed killer has been somehow castrating frogs, Home Depot stock has soared thanks to countless sales of weed killer to wives the world over.
Killer Whale Voted Most Accurate Animal Name Ever
Killer Whales recently topped a poll for the most accurate animal name ever. Killer Whales were said to celebrate the news by killing a bunch of stuff.
United States For Sale Online
The United States Government today announced plans to sell the entire country on a popular internet classifieds site. The sale is said to include all property, living beings, and freedom.
New "Bitch Pink" Lipstick Color Inspired by Sarah Palin
The Maybelline makeup company announced the launch of a new lipstick color to honor Gov. Sarah Palin. The new color, which is called "Bitch Pink," is set to hit store shelves next week.
Palin Declares War on Mother Nature
Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin today announced that she has declared all out war on mother nature in response to Hurricane Ike.
Palin Says She'll Put White House on eBay
Gov. Sarah Palin has announced that if her and McCain win in November, she will put the White House on eBay. "Who needs such an extravagent house?" asked Palin.
Palin Admits to Affair with Moose
Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin today admitted that she had a five year long affair with an Alaskan moose named Bucky. Palin ended the affair after being vetted by McCain.
Obama and McCain Make Out at WTC Site
In what's being called the ultimate show of unity, Presidential candidates Obama and McCain made out at the WTC site in New York city. McCain said Obama's lips "tasted like freedom."
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