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Supermarkets to start selling pickled brine
"Normally we put jalapenos or hot-dogs or stuff like that in our jars. No longer! We think that our customers actually buy these things for the sweet, sweet juice and throw away the contents."
Woman dies after dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight
Heard to say, just before croaking: "It wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be".
Boy with middle name "Danger" picked on at school, suffers burns
Ronald "Danger" Pickens is currently feeling the effects of his parent's vicious sense of humor and currently in hospital after suffering 40% burns all over his "play area".
Death takes early retirement
Death wants "to spend more time with family". A new contest to take over the position will be announced in the next few days. Cadavers are said to be "pleased" with the outcome.
Small vicious child kills beautiful bulldog
Adorable bulldog, "Smithy", was today brutally torn to pieces by a vicious human child. Tragically, the child was bred by the dog's uncle. The bulldog's parents are said to be devastated.
Man crashes phone whilst driving car...
... has decided to sue Microsoft for their terrible hand-held Operating System.
Another Elvis Sighting
A man claiming to be Elvis Presley is being held, without charges, at the US base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
A senior US interrogator said yesterday, "We'll be keeping him here until he sings".
Bush finds old garden spade
In a bizarre White House announcement, it appears that the President has found a garden spade he thought he lost last year. Mr Bush has apparently insisted that the public would want to know this.
Innocent man drops trousers
A strange incident occured in court today as Artie McGellan dropped his pants in joy upon hearing his innocent verdict. Mr McGellan has since been re-tried and is awaiting death by lethal injection.
Drunken bees raid glue factory
Bees, soaked up with rum, have invaded a glue factory in Dublin. The bees are said to be getting "stuck in" whilst employees are helping by licking their pelts clean of the alcohol.
Oompah man sticks it up his jumper
Newcastle 'local oompah-man' has apparently stuck 'it' up his jumper. Residents are unable to assess the danger of the situation.
Tony "The" Tiger eats Woman
Tony "The" Tiger has been arrested following allegations that he tore into a free plastic female he found in his cereal. He is now set to be Britains first animal cereal killer.
Rolf Harris ties his kangaroo down
Famously bearded Rolf Harris, has been seen tying his kangaroo down. This is likely to cause confusion with those he has previously requested assistance from in this duty.
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