Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Brandy Pasquino.

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In postgame Super Bowl interview, Trump doubles down on his '8-point' Patriots win prediction

"Sadly, the dishonest media reported that the Patriots won by 6 points. Just wait and see. The Patriots actually won by 8 points, not 6. Many people have come out and said I'm right. You know that."

written by Brandy Pasquino, 06 February 2017

Local man regularly pays $5 delivery fee for food from restaurant below his apartment

Brian Yeats lives above the NYC restaurant Food Faster Than You Can Say Food and told us that "It's amazing that food this good and delivered so fast has a delivery price tag of only $5."

written by Brandy Pasquino, 03 February 2017

Trump takes credit for 1 second in which nobody died on American streets after signing Obamacare executive order

"No one died on any American street for exactly 1 second after I signed an Obamacare executive order and we'll extend more lives for a longer period of time once Trumpcare is implemented," Trump said.

written by Brandy Pasquino, 27 January 2017

'Forgetful' men and women explain small crowd size at Trump's inauguration

Forgetful supporters of Trump who plainly forgot to attend Trump's inauguration - the forgotten men and women that Trump promises will be forgotten no longer - fully explain why his crowd was so tiny.

written by Brandy Pasquino, 27 January 2017

Uber launches always-surging uberMAKE-IT-RAIN service in major cities today

Uber's newly launched service will cater to riders who want their pickup spot to be designated a surging area due to their unfounded belief that the more they pay, the higher the ride quality will be.

written by Brandy Pasquino, 16 January 2017

In response to rider demand, Uber now offers uberDREAM

Uber has just released uberDREAM, which allows you to request a ride in your sleep. Despite strong interest prior to its release, Uber has complained that no one has used it to request a ride.

written by Brandy Pasquino, 23 August 2015

Survey reveals that terrorists are just as confused as the general public on how best to refer to the Islamic State

Terrorists can't agree on an acronym for the Islamic State, a survey revealed. An al-Qaeda official said that he randomizes among IS, ISIL, and ISIS each time he refers to his competitor.

written by Brandy Pasquino, 23 September 2014

American uploads 86,400 photos to Facebook from day trip in Portland, OR

"I refuse to waste even one second during any of my exciting adventures," said Jeff from Eugene, OR. At press time, we learned that he is preparing to leave town for a six-month tour of Greece.

written by Brandy Pasquino, 22 August 2014

The obese are finding clever ways to decrease food intake

Poor self-control largely explains why so many Americans are obese. The obese have begun bombing grocery stores and supermarkets near their homes in order to combat their undying desire to eat food.

written by Brandy Pasquino, 13 August 2014

The primary cause of spontaneous human combustion is believed to have been discovered

Eugene, OR - A man stung by every bee in his neighbor's beehive spontaneously combusted on Sunday. Medical experts are warning against close contact with bees until further analysis is conducted.

written by Brandy Pasquino, 10 August 2014

Justin Bieber punches himself in an "elbow-jerk" reaction to seeing a photo of Orlando Bloom on his phone

After posting a crying photo of Bloom on Instagram, Bieber punched himself while taking a selfie. Experts say that this was an act of the subconscious to complete the blow attempted earlier by Bloom.

written by Brandy Pasquino, 31 July 2014

Study finds that mosquitos routinely talk to humans

Why do you hear the extremely irritating buzzing sound when a mosquito gets too close? Well, their wings flap up to 600 times per second, but they are also asking you whether they can feed on you.

written by Brandy Pasquino, 29 July 2014

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