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Spork Named National Eating Utensil
Spork named national eating utensil by Congress. The bill was introduced by Bill "Colonel" Sanders of Maine, the largest spork-producing state. President Obama is expected to sign the bill.
Does Extended Exposure to WiFi Cause Brain Cancer?
No. We here at the paper are pretty sure it doesn't. We all use WiFi everyday - some of us for non-work purposes, yes Jerry, I'm talking to you. And none of us has brain cancer.
Local Library System Draws Few Illiterate Patrons
The Metro Library reports that few of its patrons are illiterate. "Most people who come in here can read" said one librarian. "The others come in to take a shit or because they think we're the DMV."
Man Frantice Over Pizza Coupon Expiration
A Dayton man was frantic today after he discovered his "totally excellent" pizza coupon expires Thursday, a day before he gets paid on Friday. Stated the man "coupons should expire on Mondays."
Micro-SD Card Forced to Face Reality
In a heart-breaking turn of events, a micro-SD card learned the hard way yesterday that size really does matter. Said the card "I'm just as many gigabytes as these other guys! It's just so unfair!"
Local High School Student Restrained After Learning About Big Bang Theory
A local high school student (name withheld because he is a minor) had to be subdued on Thursday after discovering that the day's science lecture on The Big Bang had nothing to do with vaginas.
Vast Majority of Lottery Players Didn't Win Latest Jackpot
The recent $400 million Mega Millions jackpot was not won by nearly all the people who bought tickets. There was no media flurry around any of the losers. "This isn't so exciting" said one non-winner.
Men's Nipples Useless, But Painful to Shave Off
The Mayo Clinic today released its findings from a 5-year study of 800 men of all ages and ethnicities confirming that while men's nipples are essentially useless, it hurts a lot to shave them off.
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