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Most Scots Rooting For The Other Side In The General Election - Survey

Every Scot worth an ounce of salted porridge is looking forward to cheering on England's opponents in a packed public house on election day, according to a survey. Whiskey pre-orders have tripled.

written by Auntie Jean, 27 April 2015
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Isle Of Wight To Become Psytrance "Ibiza" For 65 - 70s

It's goodbye Glen Miller and hello Psytrance, as the Isle of Wight shifts its target holiday age from 80 - 90 year olds down to 65 to 70 walking frame "Psytrancers" starting in 2016, says Promo Dept.

written by Auntie Jean, 25 April 2015
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Doner Kebab Mystery - Giant Kebab legged Sheep Found On Isle Of Wight

A giant sheep breeding farm in the Isle of Wight is the home of the fabled doner kebab lamb according to David Attleborough. The creature has been secretly bred for doner kebabs by Turkish chefs.

written by Auntie Jean, 09 February 2015
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"Orange Clothes" Formerly Known As "Orange Clothes" Rocks Granny Awards

The annual Granny music industry awards were once again a platform for convention and conformity last night as stars and clothes formerly known as orange clothes presented awards to artistes.

written by Auntie Jean, 09 February 2015
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M.P. Eric Pixels Denies Making Garibaldi Biscuits By Sitting On Eccles Cakes

M.P. Eric Pixels denied moonlighting by making Garibaldi biscuits by sitting on House of Commons Eccles Cakes. The larger than life M.P. claims he was using them for an organic "pile cushion".

written by Auntie Jean, 09 February 2015
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Garibaldi Glam Rock Star Helping Police Investigation

Rock Star Garibaldi, whose 1970's trademark was to leap out of boxes of biscuits at Women's Institute gatherings, splitting open his pants in the process is being investigated for dunking offences.

written by Auntie Jean, 09 February 2015
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Isle Of Wight News - Police Investigate EBay Tourist Attraction Auction

Police swooped on a flat in Peckham today and siezed a 50 metre high chalk tourist attraction. Advertised on EBay as The Needles, ex I.O.W. with a reserve price of £1M, the rock was confiscated.

written by Auntie Jean, 08 February 2015
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Spoof Writers Arrested Over Spanking Allegations

Two Spoof writers are helping police with their enquiries after being discovered by cleaner Mavis Sidebottom spanking the Forumbot. One writer, Rattan Caine told reporters that the "bot" deserved it.

written by Auntie Jean, 04 February 2015
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Baseball Coach Recordings Better Than Sleeping Pills

A compilation CD of baseball managers' droning Saturday match monologues has been demonstrated by U.S. sleep psychologists to be a groundbreaking success in the treatment of insomnia.

written by Auntie Jean, 04 February 2015
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County Of Somerset Clearly Visible At Low Tide

Church spires have been spotted sticking out of the flood waters in Somerset by search and rescue helicopters this morning. Divers are hoping that several towns may be intact beneath the murky water.

written by Auntie Jean, 03 February 2015
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Christ On A Bike

Rehearsing for the Easter "Passion Plays" in York, Jesus has been spotted riding a bicycle with a "stage prop" cross on his back this week. "I've put a stone on this Xmas, I've lost 8lbs" he said.

written by Auntie Jean, 20 January 2015
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Miracles Now Banned Under Health And Safety Rules

Miracles, which have been becoming more and more spectacular to compete with X-Box and PS3 graphics have been banned under new E.U. regulations. After 3 lightning deaths, a halt was called yesterday.

written by Auntie Jean, 20 January 2015
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Yorkshire Sculpture Deciphered By Prince Charles

A puzzling Yorkshire sculpture by Henry Moore resembling an enormous distorted arse with a naked woman emerging from it, is a woman who is up her own arse, Prince Charles told "Which Sculpture" today.

written by Auntie Jean, 20 January 2015
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Saturday Football Manager Reports Are Better Insomnia Cure Than Grand Prix Racing

A compilation CD of football managers' droning Saturday soccer match monologues has been demonstrated by U.K. sleep psychologists to be a groundbreaking success in the treatment of insomnia.

written by Auntie Jean, 17 January 2015
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Chinese New Year Warning Pamphlets Pushed Through Mailboxes

Chinese New Year February 19th reminder circulars have angered residents in North Korea. The pamphlets say that no curried dog will be available during the "Year of the Goat". Doggone shame or what?

written by Auntie Jean, 14 January 2015
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Thousands Phone In After Isle Of Wight Flips Over In High Seas

Thousands of people reported yesterday that the Isle of Wight had capsized. But the Island, which could clearly be seen to be upside down due to freak "mirage-like" conditions, soon righted itself.

written by Auntie Jean, 12 January 2015
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Sofas Used For Illegal Money Laundering

A man and a woman are today helping police with an investigation into money laundering in Scunthorpe. The couple, fishmongers, were using a steam cleaner to wash smelly banknotes in a sofa cushion.

written by Auntie Jean, 03 January 2015
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Miners Obtained For Prince Amdrew - Shock Allegations

False allegations have been made against Prince Amdrew, claiming that a lawyer with a bad record (Gary Glitter's 'leader of the pack') procured 15 coal miners for him to share dirty baths with.

written by Auntie Jean, 03 January 2015
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Huge Horse Crap Swindle Exposed

14 people have been arrested this morning across the U.S. after a six month long surveillance. The gang are alleged to have sold horse shit to farmers, telling them it would help vegetables to grow.

written by Auntie Jean, 03 January 2015
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No Glasses Prescription Windshield Incinerates Crash Test Dummies

Four crash test dummies were killed today when the sun glinted through the myopic prescription experimental windshield. The invention of Sir Halford Dyson acted like a giant magnifying glass.

written by Auntie Jean, 01 January 2015
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Prisoners Donate Clothes And Surplus Christmas Food To "Royals In Need"

In a kind gesture, British prisons have agreed to send food parcels to Buckingham Palace this New Year to combat "Daily Mail" ordinary people syndrome, which makes everyone think the Royals are poor.

written by Auntie Jean, 30 December 2014
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Isle Of Wight News - Underwater Hot Porridge For "Needles Hike" Event

New Year's Day "Needles" underwater hikers can enjoy a "world's first" with treacle flavour hot porridge available at 2.5 m. honey flavour at 3.0 m and plain salt flavour at 3.5 metres depth.

written by Auntie Jean, 30 December 2014
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Strangest Yorkshire Christmas Tradition Of All

It is now customary In Scunthorpe to remove the shiny balls, angels and paper ceiling trimmings at Christmas and eat them. This is advertised as a Christmas dinner including all the trimmings.

written by Auntie Jean, 26 December 2014
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Mums Sending Tasteful Jumpers This Year

As a protest to the government's change in terms and conditions for Mums over Christmas, only tasteful, wearable jumpers will be sent out to sons this Christmas, said the association of British Mums

written by Auntie Jean, 24 December 2014
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