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Most Scots Rooting For The Other Side In The General Election - Survey
Every Scot worth an ounce of salted porridge is looking forward to cheering on England's opponents in a packed public house on election day, according to a survey. Whiskey pre-orders have tripled.
Isle Of Wight To Become Psytrance "Ibiza" For 65 - 70s
It's goodbye Glen Miller and hello Psytrance, as the Isle of Wight shifts its target holiday age from 80 - 90 year olds down to 65 to 70 walking frame "Psytrancers" starting in 2016, says Promo Dept.
Doner Kebab Mystery - Giant Kebab legged Sheep Found On Isle Of Wight
A giant sheep breeding farm in the Isle of Wight is the home of the fabled doner kebab lamb according to David Attleborough. The creature has been secretly bred for doner kebabs by Turkish chefs.
"Orange Clothes" Formerly Known As "Orange Clothes" Rocks Granny Awards
The annual Granny music industry awards were once again a platform for convention and conformity last night as stars and clothes formerly known as orange clothes presented awards to artistes.
M.P. Eric Pixels Denies Making Garibaldi Biscuits By Sitting On Eccles Cakes
M.P. Eric Pixels denied moonlighting by making Garibaldi biscuits by sitting on House of Commons Eccles Cakes. The larger than life M.P. claims he was using them for an organic "pile cushion".
Garibaldi Glam Rock Star Helping Police Investigation
Rock Star Garibaldi, whose 1970's trademark was to leap out of boxes of biscuits at Women's Institute gatherings, splitting open his pants in the process is being investigated for dunking offences.
Isle Of Wight News - Police Investigate EBay Tourist Attraction Auction
Police swooped on a flat in Peckham today and siezed a 50 metre high chalk tourist attraction. Advertised on EBay as The Needles, ex I.O.W. with a reserve price of £1M, the rock was confiscated.
Spoof Writers Arrested Over Spanking Allegations
Two Spoof writers are helping police with their enquiries after being discovered by cleaner Mavis Sidebottom spanking the Forumbot. One writer, Rattan Caine told reporters that the "bot" deserved it.
Baseball Coach Recordings Better Than Sleeping Pills
A compilation CD of baseball managers' droning Saturday match monologues has been demonstrated by U.S. sleep psychologists to be a groundbreaking success in the treatment of insomnia.
County Of Somerset Clearly Visible At Low Tide
Church spires have been spotted sticking out of the flood waters in Somerset by search and rescue helicopters this morning. Divers are hoping that several towns may be intact beneath the murky water.
Christ On A Bike
Rehearsing for the Easter "Passion Plays" in York, Jesus has been spotted riding a bicycle with a "stage prop" cross on his back this week. "I've put a stone on this Xmas, I've lost 8lbs" he said.
Miracles Now Banned Under Health And Safety Rules
Miracles, which have been becoming more and more spectacular to compete with X-Box and PS3 graphics have been banned under new E.U. regulations. After 3 lightning deaths, a halt was called yesterday.
Yorkshire Sculpture Deciphered By Prince Charles
A puzzling Yorkshire sculpture by Henry Moore resembling an enormous distorted arse with a naked woman emerging from it, is a woman who is up her own arse, Prince Charles told "Which Sculpture" today.
Saturday Football Manager Reports Are Better Insomnia Cure Than Grand Prix Racing
A compilation CD of football managers' droning Saturday soccer match monologues has been demonstrated by U.K. sleep psychologists to be a groundbreaking success in the treatment of insomnia.
Chinese New Year Warning Pamphlets Pushed Through Mailboxes
Chinese New Year February 19th reminder circulars have angered residents in North Korea. The pamphlets say that no curried dog will be available during the "Year of the Goat". Doggone shame or what?
Thousands Phone In After Isle Of Wight Flips Over In High Seas
Thousands of people reported yesterday that the Isle of Wight had capsized. But the Island, which could clearly be seen to be upside down due to freak "mirage-like" conditions, soon righted itself.
Sofas Used For Illegal Money Laundering
A man and a woman are today helping police with an investigation into money laundering in Scunthorpe. The couple, fishmongers, were using a steam cleaner to wash smelly banknotes in a sofa cushion.
Miners Obtained For Prince Amdrew - Shock Allegations
False allegations have been made against Prince Amdrew, claiming that a lawyer with a bad record (Gary Glitter's 'leader of the pack') procured 15 coal miners for him to share dirty baths with.
Huge Horse Crap Swindle Exposed
14 people have been arrested this morning across the U.S. after a six month long surveillance. The gang are alleged to have sold horse shit to farmers, telling them it would help vegetables to grow.
No Glasses Prescription Windshield Incinerates Crash Test Dummies
Four crash test dummies were killed today when the sun glinted through the myopic prescription experimental windshield. The invention of Sir Halford Dyson acted like a giant magnifying glass.
Prisoners Donate Clothes And Surplus Christmas Food To "Royals In Need"
In a kind gesture, British prisons have agreed to send food parcels to Buckingham Palace this New Year to combat "Daily Mail" ordinary people syndrome, which makes everyone think the Royals are poor.
Isle Of Wight News - Underwater Hot Porridge For "Needles Hike" Event
New Year's Day "Needles" underwater hikers can enjoy a "world's first" with treacle flavour hot porridge available at 2.5 m. honey flavour at 3.0 m and plain salt flavour at 3.5 metres depth.
Strangest Yorkshire Christmas Tradition Of All
It is now customary In Scunthorpe to remove the shiny balls, angels and paper ceiling trimmings at Christmas and eat them. This is advertised as a Christmas dinner including all the trimmings.
Mums Sending Tasteful Jumpers This Year
As a protest to the government's change in terms and conditions for Mums over Christmas, only tasteful, wearable jumpers will be sent out to sons this Christmas, said the association of British Mums
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