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Ayer's Rock Discovered To Be Balancing Weight For Planet Wobble

A tire fitter interviewed by our Australian reporter revealed yesterday that he was employed by God to balance the planet's tendency to wobble at 60 m.p.h by chipping bits of Ayer's Rock away.

written by Auntie Jean, 28 August 2014
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Freak Meteor Shower Triggers "Iron Bucket" Defence System

A meteor shower known as the "Persimmonoid Shower" rained down on the Middle East this morning, automatically triggerring defence systems. After initial panic, everyone saw the funny side of things.

written by Auntie Jean, 07 August 2014
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Pictures of Prince George Smoking Sold To Newspapers By Paparazzi

Newspapers have paid millions for photos of the smoking aftermath the fires in Prince George, British Columbia, thinking they were getting photographs of Royal Baby Millionaire Prince George smoking.

written by Auntie Jean, 06 August 2014
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An Arab Spring Beats An Archimedes Screw In New Tabloid Sex Survey

According to a "Tabloid Newspaper" survey of favourite love positions, "The Missionary" has fallen behind the "Archimedes Screw" making popular new favourite the "Arab Spring" the new number one.

written by Auntie Jean, 04 August 2014
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Grandpa Arrested After Party Trick

A Grandpa's magic piss trick backfired when police were called to a party after parents were told that Grandpa had peed into color containing jelly jars. But it was all an illusion, said the cops.

written by Auntie Jean, 03 August 2014
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Sprunt Festival Planned To Celebrate Scottish Independence

Sprunt, meaning "to chase girls around among the haystacks after dark" is recorded in an old dictionary of the dialect of Roxburgh. It is one of many customs to be revived after Independence.

written by Auntie Jean, 01 August 2014
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Prince Edward Caught Exposing His Whiffler

Prince Edward was keen to expose his new Medeival style whiffler on a walkabout in Borth today. The whiffler walked in front of him with an axe, hacking at any peasants who got in the Royal Way.

written by Auntie Jean, 01 August 2014
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Official Start Of An Era

Unfortunately the end of an "era" has occurred which has only just started. We apologise for any inconvenience.

written by Auntie Jean, 01 August 2014
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Warning Not To Let Trojan Horse Religious Cults Into Your House

Householders have been warned by police not to accept gifts of suspiciously large wooden horses with bibles. Once inside your house scores of evangelistic missionaries will jump out and preach at you.

written by Auntie Jean, 27 July 2014
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God Admits Fucking Up With Aubergine Creation.

A film crew filming near the top of Mount Sinai today received a new 11th Commandment.
11) Aubergines were meant to be large poisonous Australian fruit, but I fucked up. Please return them, thanks.

written by Auntie Jean, 24 July 2014
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Microwave Attachment Eliminates Need For Head Shaving

Hyram B. Dison's invention, which eliminates daily head shaving, is now on sale. "Microcaps" use a microwave to defoliate scalps with a rubber skull attachment similar to ones used in electric chairs.

written by Auntie Jean, 24 July 2014
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Russian Masochists On Wife Finding Excursions To Barnsley

Fed up with an abundance of domesticated eager to please potential wives, Russian Masochists are queueing up to meet battleaxes from the town of Wombwell near Barnsley.

written by Auntie Jean, 24 July 2014
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Ukrainian Lard Arse Festival Takes Place As Normal In Spite Of Conflict

Ukrainians celebrated their love of pork fat at the weekend by consuming a giant sandwich filled with 40 kilos of best lard.

The big "lard-in" was the centrepiece of a nationwide big arse festival.

written by Auntie Jean, 23 July 2014
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British Spiders To Take Self Defence Lessons From Australian Spiders

British spiders who are mostly too timid to eat flies are ten times more confident after watching DVDs of Australian spiders according to a study by Sydney University spider faculty.

written by Auntie Jean, 22 July 2014
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BBC Weather Forecaster Accused Of Bias

Weather Forecaster Jimmy Fish was hauled over the carpet today after stating yesterday that his predicted temperatures for the posh town of Bath were a little on the Conservative side.

written by Auntie Jean, 22 July 2014
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Not Enough Room To Swing A Cat

Did you know?
Manx cats have no tails. They were once used as a room "size gauge" by Estate Agents, who cruelly swung them around by their tails to measure rooms. Since then tails have been illegal.

written by Auntie Jean, 21 July 2014
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Amazonian Tribes Making Blowpipes Out Of Old Bagpipes

Amazonian Bearded Pig huntng tribes are appealing for people to post old bagpipes to them. The pipes can be made into "sub machine gun " blow pipes firing 5 poisonous darts per second.

written by Auntie Jean, 21 July 2014
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Royal Baby Fast Tracked To Cheer Everyone Up After Terrible Spell Of Bad News

A Royal Baby has been produced using accelerated "Dolly The Sheep" techniques. Silly smiles will be back on Newsreaders faces within a week after a month or more of frowns due to war and accidents.

written by Auntie Jean, 20 July 2014
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Deadly form of Tumbleweed racing across dilapidated Spanish Timeshares

Deserted Spanish beaches and Timeshare ghost towns are being plagued by horrific high speed tumbleweed, which has claimed many lives, according to Manuel, our Barcelona correspondent.

written by Auntie Jean, 18 July 2014
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Mounting Frustration Cause Of Glory Hole Use

Glory holes are being used as general dumps, a survey claims. The closets, built into English 1920s houses, are bring used to dump the result of hurried tidying up, by working couples with no time.

written by Auntie Jean, 16 July 2014
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Latecomers To Brazil-Germany World Cup Match Think Game Was Lost 1-7 On Penalties

Reporters arriving to report on the Brazil-Germany match late could be excused for thinking the 7-1 turkey shoot was being decided on penalties. The unprecedented annihilation was watched worldwide.

written by Auntie Jean, 09 July 2014
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Prince Phillip Fitted With Shoulder Extension To Support All 107 Medals

At the Naming Ceremony of the Queen Elizabeth Warship at Rosyth today, Prince Phillip's Valet had to rig a metal clothes hanger to his shoulder to accommodate all 107 medals that the Duke was wearing.

written by Auntie Jean, 04 July 2014
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King Making Royal Jelly Never Fed To Prince Charles

It has been revealed by the Freedom of Information Act that Prince Charles was not fed the vital King making Royal Jelly as a baby drone. This may explain his un-kingly manner and big ears and nose.

written by Auntie Jean, 25 June 2014
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Borg Tennis Collective Assimilates The Planet - Resistance Was Futile

The "Hubba Hoe" Telescope has spotted a Space Ship Death Star moored behind the moon. The ship which is full of professional tennis Borgs has already assimilated The Earth including Wimbledon.

written by Auntie Jean, 23 June 2014
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