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Ayer's Rock Discovered To Be Balancing Weight For Planet Wobble
A tire fitter interviewed by our Australian reporter revealed yesterday that he was employed by God to balance the planet's tendency to wobble at 60 m.p.h by chipping bits of Ayer's Rock away.
Freak Meteor Shower Triggers "Iron Bucket" Defence System
A meteor shower known as the "Persimmonoid Shower" rained down on the Middle East this morning, automatically triggerring defence systems. After initial panic, everyone saw the funny side of things.
Pictures of Prince George Smoking Sold To Newspapers By Paparazzi
Newspapers have paid millions for photos of the smoking aftermath the fires in Prince George, British Columbia, thinking they were getting photographs of Royal Baby Millionaire Prince George smoking.
An Arab Spring Beats An Archimedes Screw In New Tabloid Sex Survey
According to a "Tabloid Newspaper" survey of favourite love positions, "The Missionary" has fallen behind the "Archimedes Screw" making popular new favourite the "Arab Spring" the new number one.
Grandpa Arrested After Party Trick
A Grandpa's magic piss trick backfired when police were called to a party after parents were told that Grandpa had peed into color containing jelly jars. But it was all an illusion, said the cops.
Sprunt Festival Planned To Celebrate Scottish Independence
Sprunt, meaning "to chase girls around among the haystacks after dark" is recorded in an old dictionary of the dialect of Roxburgh. It is one of many customs to be revived after Independence.
Prince Edward Caught Exposing His Whiffler
Prince Edward was keen to expose his new Medeival style whiffler on a walkabout in Borth today. The whiffler walked in front of him with an axe, hacking at any peasants who got in the Royal Way.
Official Start Of An Era
Unfortunately the end of an "era" has occurred which has only just started. We apologise for any inconvenience.
Warning Not To Let Trojan Horse Religious Cults Into Your House
Householders have been warned by police not to accept gifts of suspiciously large wooden horses with bibles. Once inside your house scores of evangelistic missionaries will jump out and preach at you.
God Admits Fucking Up With Aubergine Creation.
A film crew filming near the top of Mount Sinai today received a new 11th Commandment.
11) Aubergines were meant to be large poisonous Australian fruit, but I fucked up. Please return them, thanks.
Microwave Attachment Eliminates Need For Head Shaving
Hyram B. Dison's invention, which eliminates daily head shaving, is now on sale. "Microcaps" use a microwave to defoliate scalps with a rubber skull attachment similar to ones used in electric chairs.
Russian Masochists On Wife Finding Excursions To Barnsley
Fed up with an abundance of domesticated eager to please potential wives, Russian Masochists are queueing up to meet battleaxes from the town of Wombwell near Barnsley.
Ukrainian Lard Arse Festival Takes Place As Normal In Spite Of Conflict
Ukrainians celebrated their love of pork fat at the weekend by consuming a giant sandwich filled with 40 kilos of best lard.
The big "lard-in" was the centrepiece of a nationwide big arse festival.
British Spiders To Take Self Defence Lessons From Australian Spiders
British spiders who are mostly too timid to eat flies are ten times more confident after watching DVDs of Australian spiders according to a study by Sydney University spider faculty.
BBC Weather Forecaster Accused Of Bias
Weather Forecaster Jimmy Fish was hauled over the carpet today after stating yesterday that his predicted temperatures for the posh town of Bath were a little on the Conservative side.
Not Enough Room To Swing A Cat
Did you know?
Manx cats have no tails. They were once used as a room "size gauge" by Estate Agents, who cruelly swung them around by their tails to measure rooms. Since then tails have been illegal.
Amazonian Tribes Making Blowpipes Out Of Old Bagpipes
Amazonian Bearded Pig huntng tribes are appealing for people to post old bagpipes to them. The pipes can be made into "sub machine gun " blow pipes firing 5 poisonous darts per second.
Royal Baby Fast Tracked To Cheer Everyone Up After Terrible Spell Of Bad News
A Royal Baby has been produced using accelerated "Dolly The Sheep" techniques. Silly smiles will be back on Newsreaders faces within a week after a month or more of frowns due to war and accidents.
Deadly form of Tumbleweed racing across dilapidated Spanish Timeshares
Deserted Spanish beaches and Timeshare ghost towns are being plagued by horrific high speed tumbleweed, which has claimed many lives, according to Manuel, our Barcelona correspondent.
Mounting Frustration Cause Of Glory Hole Use
Glory holes are being used as general dumps, a survey claims. The closets, built into English 1920s houses, are bring used to dump the result of hurried tidying up, by working couples with no time.
Latecomers To Brazil-Germany World Cup Match Think Game Was Lost 1-7 On Penalties
Reporters arriving to report on the Brazil-Germany match late could be excused for thinking the 7-1 turkey shoot was being decided on penalties. The unprecedented annihilation was watched worldwide.
Prince Phillip Fitted With Shoulder Extension To Support All 107 Medals
At the Naming Ceremony of the Queen Elizabeth Warship at Rosyth today, Prince Phillip's Valet had to rig a metal clothes hanger to his shoulder to accommodate all 107 medals that the Duke was wearing.
King Making Royal Jelly Never Fed To Prince Charles
It has been revealed by the Freedom of Information Act that Prince Charles was not fed the vital King making Royal Jelly as a baby drone. This may explain his un-kingly manner and big ears and nose.
Borg Tennis Collective Assimilates The Planet - Resistance Was Futile
The "Hubba Hoe" Telescope has spotted a Space Ship Death Star moored behind the moon. The ship which is full of professional tennis Borgs has already assimilated The Earth including Wimbledon.
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