Showing snippets written by Auntie Jean.

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Russian Masochists On Wife Finding Excursions To Barnsley

Fed up with an abundance of domesticated eager to please potential wives, Russian Masochists are queueing up to meet battleaxes from the town of Wombwell near Barnsley.

written by Auntie Jean, 24 July 2014

Ukrainian Lard Arse Festival Takes Place As Normal In Spite Of Conflict

Ukrainians celebrated their love of pork fat at the weekend by consuming a giant sandwich filled with 40 kilos of best lard.

The big "lard-in" was the centrepiece of a nationwide big arse festival.

written by Auntie Jean, 23 July 2014

British Spiders To Take Self Defence Lessons From Australian Spiders

British spiders who are mostly too timid to eat flies are ten times more confident after watching DVDs of Australian spiders according to a study by Sydney University spider faculty.

written by Auntie Jean, 22 July 2014

BBC Weather Forecaster Accused Of Bias

Weather Forecaster Jimmy Fish was hauled over the carpet today after stating yesterday that his predicted temperatures for the posh town of Bath were a little on the Conservative side.

written by Auntie Jean, 22 July 2014

Not Enough Room To Swing A Cat

Did you know?
Manx cats have no tails. They were once used as a room "size gauge" by Estate Agents, who cruelly swung them around by their tails to measure rooms. Since then tails have been illegal.

written by Auntie Jean, 21 July 2014

Amazonian Tribes Making Blowpipes Out Of Old Bagpipes

Amazonian Bearded Pig huntng tribes are appealing for people to post old bagpipes to them. The pipes can be made into "sub machine gun " blow pipes firing 5 poisonous darts per second.

written by Auntie Jean, 21 July 2014

Royal Baby Fast Tracked To Cheer Everyone Up After Terrible Spell Of Bad News

A Royal Baby has been produced using accelerated "Dolly The Sheep" techniques. Silly smiles will be back on Newsreaders faces within a week after a month or more of frowns due to war and accidents.

written by Auntie Jean, 20 July 2014

Deadly form of Tumbleweed racing across dilapidated Spanish Timeshares

Deserted Spanish beaches and Timeshare ghost towns are being plagued by horrific high speed tumbleweed, which has claimed many lives, according to Manuel, our Barcelona correspondent.

written by Auntie Jean, 18 July 2014

Mounting Frustration Cause Of Glory Hole Use

Glory holes are being used as general dumps, a survey claims. The closets, built into English 1920s houses, are bring used to dump the result of hurried tidying up, by working couples with no time.

written by Auntie Jean, 16 July 2014

Latecomers To Brazil-Germany World Cup Match Think Game Was Lost 1-7 On Penalties

Reporters arriving to report on the Brazil-Germany match late could be excused for thinking the 7-1 turkey shoot was being decided on penalties. The unprecedented annihilation was watched worldwide.

written by Auntie Jean, 09 July 2014

Prince Phillip Fitted With Shoulder Extension To Support All 107 Medals

At the Naming Ceremony of the Queen Elizabeth Warship at Rosyth today, Prince Phillip's Valet had to rig a metal clothes hanger to his shoulder to accommodate all 107 medals that the Duke was wearing.

written by Auntie Jean, 04 July 2014

King Making Royal Jelly Never Fed To Prince Charles

It has been revealed by the Freedom of Information Act that Prince Charles was not fed the vital King making Royal Jelly as a baby drone. This may explain his un-kingly manner and big ears and nose.

written by Auntie Jean, 25 June 2014

Borg Tennis Collective Assimilates The Planet - Resistance Was Futile

The "Hubba Hoe" Telescope has spotted a Space Ship Death Star moored behind the moon. The ship which is full of professional tennis Borgs has already assimilated The Earth including Wimbledon.

written by Auntie Jean, 23 June 2014

Vatican Closes Down Miracle Response Units (M.R.U.s)

Fifty Miracle Squads are to be closed from January 2015 due to loss of laundering revenue. Changes in Laundry rules have forced laundering to be done by nuns. Miracle numbers will be issued by phone.

written by Auntie Jean, 19 April 2014

Bagless Mc.Dyson Secretly at Work in Wales to Rid the Country of Old Bags and Boilers

Bagless Mc.Dyson is secretly working on a bagless Welsh ladies' handbag to rid the country of bags. The handbag uses a car battery, but the contents float weightlessly. Boiler elimination is next.

written by Auntie Jean, 19 April 2014

No Ronnies At All show being recorded for Christmas

The BBC has paid millions to prevent last year's glut of "Ronnies" shows. Ronnies have been paid not to take part in a one off Ronnieless spectacular called "The no Ronnies at all Show".

written by Auntie Jean, 21 February 2014

Anti-wrinkle bath oil dropped by helicopter as Somerset is swamped again by storms

Industrial sized bath oil drums were dropped on Somerset by helicopter this morning to avoid women's fingers becoming irreversibly wrinkled. This follows Parabeautician deployment earlier today.

written by Auntie Jean, 16 February 2014

Cameron - I went to Heaton not Eton

It's easy to make the mistake that David Cameron is an Eton "old boy", but in fact he went to Heaton school. "I have to laugh when people make this mistake", he told our Education reporter.

written by Auntie Jean, 10 February 2014

Welsh farmer fancies Uranus

Welsh farmer Dylan Donaudamauchnadfidchiffahrrhyspitaenswitweru fancies Uranus. No misunderstandings mind you. Its you arse he fancies, not the race horse, not the planet, Your Arse

written by Auntie Jean, 07 February 2014

Chinese rice farmers look for quick turnover in Somerset paddy fields

Chinese helicopters have created rice paddy fields all over Somerset. The genetically modified rice will be harvested by a Chinese satellite with a tractor beam when it is ready.

written by Auntie Jean, 30 January 2014

UKIP party have natural comedy talent now exceeding that of Kim Jon un

UKIP, Britain's chief comedy party appear to be trying to attract Spoof writers' attention by consistently shooting their credibility in the arse. They have now topped Kim Jon un in the twat league.

written by Auntie Jean, 20 January 2014

Spanish viewers vote Manuel from Fawlty Towers all time funniest T.V. character

Although first sppearing more than thirty years ago, Manuel (the waiter from Barcelona) is still regarded by Spanish T. V. Viewers as the most accurate portrayal of a Spaniard in history.

written by Auntie Jean, 17 January 2014

Australian P.M. calls for Sting Rays to be called Big Flat Poisonous Fish

The misleading name Sting Ray is to be altered to stop Australian popular T.V. presenters from hugging them. The new name of Big Flat Poisonous Fish should help presenters to treat them with caution.

written by Auntie Jean, 17 January 2014

Bernie Ecclestone steps down from F.1 board and wears built up shoes instead

Bernie Ecclestone has again stepped down from the board provided for him to see over the table top at F.1 claiming he is taller than 4 ft. 1 and high heels will enable him to see over the table.

written by Auntie Jean, 16 January 2014
Showing page 1 (of 3 pages)

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