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Christ On A Bike
Rehearsing for the Easter "Passion Plays" in York, Jesus has been spotted riding a bicycle with a "stage prop" cross on his back this week. "I've put a stone on this Xmas, I've lost 8lbs" he said.
Miracles Now Banned Under Health And Safety Rules
Miracles, which have been becoming more and more spectacular to compete with X-Box and PS3 graphics have been banned under new E.U. regulations. After 3 lightning deaths, a halt was called yesterday.
Yorkshire Sculpture Deciphered By Prince Charles
A puzzling Yorkshire sculpture by Henry Moore resembling an enormous distorted arse with a naked woman emerging from it, is a woman who is up her own arse, Prince Charles told "Which Sculpture" today.
Arsene Wenger Saturday Football Reports Are Insomnia Cure Breakthrough
A compilation CD of Arsene Wenger's droning Saturday soccer match monologues has been demonstrated by U.K. sleep psychologists to be a groundbreaking success in the treatment of insomnia.
Chinese New Year Warning Pamphlets Pushed Through Mailboxes
Chinese New Year February 19th reminder circulars have angered residents in North Korea. The pamphlets say that no curried dog will be available during the "Year of the Goat". Doggone shame or what?
Thousands Phone In After Isle Of Wight Flips Over In High Seas
Thousands of people reported yesterday that the Isle of Wight had capsized. But the Island, which could clearly be seen to be upside down due to freak "mirage-like" conditions, soon righted itself.
Sofas Used For Illegal Money Laundering
A man and a woman are today helping police with an investigation into money laundering in Scunthorpe. The couple, fishmongers, were using a steam cleaner to wash smelly banknotes in a sofa cushion.
Miners Obtained For Prince Amdrew - Shock Allegations
False allegations have been made against Prince Amdrew, claiming that a lawyer with a bad record (Gary Glitter's 'leader of the pack') procured 15 coal miners for him to share dirty baths with.
Huge Horse Crap Swindle Exposed
14 people have been arrested this morning across the U.S. after a six month long surveillance. The gang are alleged to have sold horse shit to farmers, telling them it would help vegetables to grow.
No Glasses Prescription Windshield Incinerates Crash Test Dummies
Four crash test dummies were killed today when the sun glinted through the myopic prescription experimental windshield. The invention of Sir Halford Dyson acted like a giant magnifying glass.
Prisoners Donate Clothes And Surplus Christmas Food To "Royals In Need"
In a kind gesture, British prisons have agreed to send food parcels to Buckingham Palace this New Year to combat "Daily Mail" ordinary people syndrome, which makes everyone think the Royals are poor.
Isle Of Wight News - Underwater Hot Porridge For "Needles Hike" Event
New Year's Day "Needles" underwater hikers can enjoy a "world's first" with treacle flavour hot porridge available at 2.5 m. honey flavour at 3.0 m and plain salt flavour at 3.5 metres depth.
Strangest Yorkshire Christmas Tradition Of All
It is now customary In Scunthorpe to remove the shiny balls, angels and paper ceiling trimmings at Christmas and eat them. This is advertised as a Christmas dinner including all the trimmings.
Mums Sending Tasteful Jumpers This Year
As a protest to the government's change in terms and conditions for Mums over Christmas, only tasteful, wearable jumpers will be sent out to sons this Christmas, said the association of British Mums
Kim Jong un Has His New Christmas Song Dedicated To Himself
Last night the population of North Korea wee ordered to sing "Kim Jong merrily is high", the ruler's self composed Christmas Carol, to thank him for keeping out evil Western influences.
New York Distillery Raided By Elliot Ness
The first new Big Apple Gin distillery since prohibition has been smashed up by Elliot Ness, a distant relative of Elliot Ness. "I saw Alice Capone in there", he drunkenly explained to bogus cops.
Electric Chairs To Be Installed In Obamacare Homes
Care homes are to have "Old Sparky" style electric chairs installed to help reduce the cost of arthritis medication. the voltage applied will be similar to Star Trek "Set to stun" levels.
Turkeys Become Suspicious Of "Too Good To Be True" Environment
Reports of turkeys peering under cage doors and through holes in sheds are being taken seriously after the catastrophic consequences (a glut of small turkeys) of a hunger strike were evaluated.
Gorilla Found In London Theatre
The audience of Drury Lane Theatre In London were involved in a lost escaped gorilla capture today.The entire stalls section came to the aid of Buttons by shouting "It's behind you" to him.
Jesus is Just Having A Quiet Family Christmas
Jesus announced on posters outside chapels today that after shopping online, he was just having a quiet Christmas with 5 loaves, 2 fishes and lots of home made wine. It's a miracle, I'm all ready!
Kim Jong un Has His Computer Gold Plated
Kim Jong un's fantastic incredibly fast and up to date Commodore 64 computer has been gold plated and encrusted with diamonds to make it the best computer in the world.
Paparazzi Shocked As Christmas Prince George Photos Reveal He Looks Like A Normal 16 Month Old Child
Paparazzi clamouring to get photos of wealthy 16 month old baby Prince George were astounded when they found their cameras had recorded that Prince George was a normal 16 month old toddler.
Christmas Appears To Be Approaching
Evidence of the stealthy approach of Christmas is mounting, with reports coming in to our Christmas reporters' buildings of Tweets and Facebook pages suggesting its likely date as December 25th.
Photos Of Prince George Published To Reward Press For Not Publishing Pictures Of Prince George
Prince William and the Duchess of Kate have supplied our royal baby department with carefully photoshopped photos of Prince George as a reward for not publishing Paparazzi photos of Prince George.
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