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CNN in secret talks with hijackers to make flight go missing
"Anything to improve ratings" says CEO of CNN.
Tax Preparers Celebration Leads to Arrests
Celebrating the end of tax season, dozens of tax preparers and IRS employees gathered in the streets, drinking and screaming. Things got out of control and a riot started. Police arrested 14 people.
China Selects Expendable Mammal to Send to the Moon -- Foxcon Employee
It was a tough choice between a Foxcon employee and a corrupt communist.
Cheap Dad's Day Ruined By "Replace Water Filter" Light on Refrigerator
Cheap Dad's whole day took a wrong turn suddenly. While looking for a generic can of soda, he was heard saying, "Dammit, again? How long do those freakin $50 filters last? I'm sick of this."
New Fall Comedy Series Features Fat, Balding Wife And Hot, Younger Husband
She's dumb but means well. He's the smart one, but doesn't have a job. They both wear sweaters a lot and live in a nice house in a really expensive city. Her civil service job pays well apparently.
Newt Gingrich Makes Every Debate About Moon Bases On CNN's Crossfire
The former Congressman says he will not rest until the country commits to spending $5 trillion dollars to occupy the Moon.
Woman on Toilet Calls 911
A woman stuck without toilet paper is forced to call 911 for help. She explained to EMT's that her husband failed to replace it again.
Trim, Good-Looking 50ish Man Mysteriously Needs Viagra To Fix Broken Down Muscle Car
Seems like he used to be able to fix that car without the pills before, but he talked to his doctor about it. His doctor said he was healthy enough to perform light maintenance work.
Thick Skull Finally Penetrated
VP of $1B company finally heard suggestions and ideas from others. His wife and employees jointly announced the breakthrough today.
Mormons Upset That All The Good Jokes Are About Catholics And Jews
Mormons complain that they're not fairly represented in the world of jokes.
Life Coach Asks For Full Payment In Advance
Gus Adamson, a life coach from Manhattan, usually just wants to get the financial details out of the way with his clients. Then he can concentrate on being his best self.
Big Shot Executive Describes Everything As "Crisp" and "Spot On"
Executive Tom Steele requires "crisp" reports. His underlings hope to receive the "spot on" comment for a job well done. Everyone in the his organization is trying to use these key words more often.
Somehow "Grey's Anatomy" Starring Sandra Oh Is Not A Porno
Despite promising words from the cable guide, the show turned out to be some boring medical drama with no nudity or sex scenes.
Woman Who Enjoys Fondling Other Women Lands Dream Job At TSA
After a series of unsatisfying jobs in dog training and camping equipment sales, Michelle finally got a job with the TSA that allows her to touch women's private parts during the workday.
Wiliam Shatner Has Been Using Same Full Service Travel Agency Since 1969
Larry's List Price Travel in Burbank has been Mr. Shatner's go-to travel agent since his "Star Trek" days. Captain Kirk admits that he's never actually used a computer for anything.
Oprah Pays For Fries And Shake With Gold Bar At Zurich McDonalds
"I hope you have correct change. I want this delivered to my private jet at the airport," said the Queen of Talk.
500 Hp German Luxury Vehicle Parked With No Permit In Handicapped Spot
Everyone passing by just assumes that the driver simply left the permit in the glove box or something. And the vanity license plate is awesome too.
Pizza Hut And KOA Campgrounds To Test "Pizza Tent" Stores
Recognizing the under-served pizza consumers staying in the nation's campgrounds, Pizza Hut is trialing "Pizza Tent" stores on at selected KOA Campgrounds.
Dog Suspects UPS Package Will Endanger Lives of Entire Household, Responds Accordingly
Spike, the 9-pound Pomeranian, nearly busted the door down trying to repel the UPS package delivery today. Barking non-stop for 5 minutes, Spike eventually declared victory and shut the hell up.
Dramamine sales up with govt officials
Dramamine sales are rising as Fed Reserve Chairman candidate Larry Summers and his Wall Street friends deal with the motion sickness from the revolving door between private and government jobs.
Nigerian Legislature To Consider Affirmative Action Bill
The National Assembly of Nigeria is set to debate a new affirmative action bill which will dramatically affect every segment of government and civilian life. Details were not available at press time.
NBC TV Announces New "Downtown Abbie" Series
NBC TV today announced a new series "Downtown Abbie" for their fall schedule. The show, unrelated to the PBS series "Downton Abbey", centers on the life a woman who lives in a Chicago highrise.
UFC Fighter Uses Crosswords, Sodoku To Stay Sharp
Veteran UFC competitor Max Damage told reporters this week that he does daily crossword and Sodoku puzzles to keep his mind sharp. Damage explained, "I don't want to...ummm, what did you ask me?"
ABC's New "Bachelorette" Season To Feature All Lesbian Cast
In an effort to shake up the series, ABC has announced that next season's "Bachelorette" will be "100% women & 100% lesbians". Subaru, Levi's, and Timberland have been signed as exclusive sponsors.
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