Showing snippets written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw.

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Transylvania Airlines Announces Policy Change

"From now on, when flights are overbooked, we will no longer impale surplus passengers beside the airport tarmac," announced company president Vlad Teppish.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 22 April 2017

Trump Nukes Sweden

"That's what they get for trying to cover up a terrorist attack on their soil!" he thundered, while randomly pushing every red button in sight.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 21 February 2017

Istanbul Police Tired of "Turkey Hunt" Jokes

"Yes, this is Turkey", sighed Police Chief Mehmet Arqodun, "and we are engaged in a manhunt, and we will shoot on sight, but can't you guys come up with something more creative?"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 07 January 2017

Exploding Samsung Phones Actually North Korean Plot

"Hey, we had to get rid of our excess fissile material somehow!" exclaimed the Dear Leader with a shrug.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 16 October 2016

Bill Clinton, Donald Trump Have Gay Affair

Test results are in from the lab: The stain on The Donald's tie is full of Bill Clinton's DNA.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 16 October 2016

Creepy Clown Groin-Kicks Donald Trump

O.k., not really, but it's fun to think about, isn't it?

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 15 October 2016

Trump Vows to Bomb Al-Gebra

"When I am elected, my first priority will be bombing the Shiite out of Al-Gebra before they acquire weapons of math deduction. I bombed algebra in high school; I shall bomb Al-Gebra as president!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 14 August 2016

Pokemon Go Players Killed on Artillery Range

A group of eight youngsters was killed by a single round from an M777 howitzer when they ventured onto a firing range at Fort Sill, Oklahoma in search of "Pokemon Go" characters.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 07 August 2016

Donald Trump Abducted by ISIS

His captors have reportedly strapped him to a chair, Clockwork Orange style, and are forcing him to watch Speedy Gonzales, Machete, and Cheech & Chong, until he volunteers to cut his own throat.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 30 July 2016

Democratic Party to Copyright "and" ,"if", "but" etc.

Copyright attorney Avrahim Goldfisch has announced that, on behalf of the U.S. Democrats, he was applying to copyright hundreds of common words, in an effort to curb plagiarism by U.S. Republicans.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 27 July 2016

Alphabet Pasta Now Available in China

Thanks to 3-D printing technology, the Chinese are now able to produce noodles resembling every character in their writing system. Collect all four hundred cans!

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 18 July 2016

Caitlyn Jenner Endures First Bridal Shower, Changes Back to Male!

"I'll be brain-dead if I ever have to endure another four hours of turbo-girl-talk and inane party games again", she said.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 13 June 2016

Trump Ponders Choice of Running MILF

"Sierra Paylin or Anne Colter. They both have big boobs, and both make me look rather sane by comparison. How to choose, how to choose..."

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 21 May 2016

Sanders Courts Jewish Vote

Bernie Sanders has decided to modify his debating style in a manner that will surely appeal to Jewish voters. Henceforth, he will answer all questions with questions of his own.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 13 March 2016

Reindeer Becoming Elf-Radicalized

'Elf-radicalized' reindeer can be seen protesting at the North Pole and outside of major U.S. department stores, carrying signs and shouting: "DEATH TO THE GREAT SANTA!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 06 December 2015

Poutine Burns Turkey on Thanksgiving Day

"When Americans burn a turkey on this day, it's because they have gotten into the wine while the bird was in the oven. I burned Turkey with napalm today because I was 'pissed' in a different sense."

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 28 November 2015

Anvil Shortage in USA

The Acme Anvil Company of Bangor, Maine, just can't keep up with demand.
"Some guy in the middle of the Arizona badlands just keeps ordering more and more. I wish we knew what he's doing with them!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 21 November 2015

Zen Master Acquires iPhone, SIRI Attains Enlightenment

"I kept asking SIRI the same questions until it learned to abandon all preconceived notions and answer as a truly enlightened one would", explained Roshi Tawake-Sama.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 08 November 2015

Hook-Noses, Towel-Heads Clash Over Ancient Holy Site

Oh, wait! Is this supposed to be a NEWS section? Well, this hardly qualifies. Let me go see if the situation has changed any in the last forty years....Nope, still the same old shit!

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 17 October 2015

Refugees Settle on Island of Lesbos

A boatload of Middle Eastern refugees has demanded permission to settle on the Greek island of Lesbos, rather than travel to the European mainland. "We will be model Lesbians!" they exclaimed.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 20 September 2015

Hungary Protests Against Refugee Influx

"What makes these ragtag nomads from Asia think that they can gallop all over Europe with impunity?" demanded Hungary's U.N. ambassador Attila D. Honeybun, as he steadied his horse and drew his bow.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 06 September 2015

L.A.P.D Weighs in on Jenner's Transformation

"Bruce Jenner drove like a prick," said a police spokesman. " Caitlyn drives like a cunt. Any questions?"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 30 August 2015

Trump Fires Hairstylist

"You're fired!" Donald Trump bellowed to his personal hairstylist yesterday.
"It's about frickin' time!" muttered the FuxNews reporter who's been following him like a lost puppy all week.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 07 August 2015

Rachel Dolezal Opens Up to Therapist

"I never actually believed myself to be black", she confided. "This whole charade just seemed to be the quickest, easiest way to land a humongous dick between my thighs."

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 18 July 2015
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