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"Goop" Introduces Coal Egg
"Once you muster enough pelvic muscle strength to compress this baby into a diamond, you will have a beautiful gemstone to present to the man of your dreams," declared spokesmodel Gwyneth Paltrow.
Trump Tweets to be Appended to "Little Red Book"
Maoist scholars have been compiling all of His Orangeness's tweets, and, after careful deliberation, have deemed them to be just as insightful as the sayings of The Great Helmsman.
Canadian Rock Icon Dies, New Orleans Sinks
his band denies having anything to do with this catastrophe. When asked to comment, mayor Mitch Landrieu could only say: "Blub gurgle burble glub blub!"
Comey Firing Blamed on Auto-Correct
"I couldn't allow some commie to lead the Feral Burro of Instigation!" tweeted El Bendejo in all caps.
Trump Denies Existence of Comey Tapes
"Who uses tapes any more?" he asked. "USB sticks are where it's at!"
Transylvania Airlines Announces Policy Change
"From now on, when flights are overbooked, we will no longer impale surplus passengers beside the airport tarmac," announced company president Vlad Teppish.
Trump Nukes Sweden
"That's what they get for trying to cover up a terrorist attack on their soil!" he thundered, while randomly pushing every red button in sight.
Istanbul Police Tired of "Turkey Hunt" Jokes
"Yes, this is Turkey", sighed Police Chief Mehmet Arqodun, "and we are engaged in a manhunt, and we will shoot on sight, but can't you guys come up with something more creative?"
Exploding Samsung Phones Actually North Korean Plot
"Hey, we had to get rid of our excess fissile material somehow!" exclaimed the Dear Leader with a shrug.
Bill Clinton, Donald Trump Have Gay Affair
Test results are in from the lab: The stain on The Donald's tie is full of Bill Clinton's DNA.
Creepy Clown Groin-Kicks Donald Trump
O.k., not really, but it's fun to think about, isn't it?
Trump Vows to Bomb Al-Gebra
"When I am elected, my first priority will be bombing the Shiite out of Al-Gebra before they acquire weapons of math deduction. I bombed algebra in high school; I shall bomb Al-Gebra as president!"
Pokemon Go Players Killed on Artillery Range
A group of eight youngsters was killed by a single round from an M777 howitzer when they ventured onto a firing range at Fort Sill, Oklahoma in search of "Pokemon Go" characters.
Donald Trump Abducted by ISIS
His captors have reportedly strapped him to a chair, Clockwork Orange style, and are forcing him to watch Speedy Gonzales, Machete, and Cheech & Chong, until he volunteers to cut his own throat.
Democratic Party to Copyright "and" ,"if", "but" etc.
Copyright attorney Avrahim Goldfisch has announced that, on behalf of the U.S. Democrats, he was applying to copyright hundreds of common words, in an effort to curb plagiarism by U.S. Republicans.
Alphabet Pasta Now Available in China
Thanks to 3-D printing technology, the Chinese are now able to produce noodles resembling every character in their writing system. Collect all four hundred cans!
Caitlyn Jenner Endures First Bridal Shower, Changes Back to Male!
"I'll be brain-dead if I ever have to endure another four hours of turbo-girl-talk and inane party games again", she said.
Trump Ponders Choice of Running MILF
"Sierra Paylin or Anne Colter. They both have big boobs, and both make me look rather sane by comparison. How to choose, how to choose..."
Sanders Courts Jewish Vote
Bernie Sanders has decided to modify his debating style in a manner that will surely appeal to Jewish voters. Henceforth, he will answer all questions with questions of his own.
Reindeer Becoming Elf-Radicalized
'Elf-radicalized' reindeer can be seen protesting at the North Pole and outside of major U.S. department stores, carrying signs and shouting: "DEATH TO THE GREAT SANTA!"
Poutine Burns Turkey on Thanksgiving Day
"When Americans burn a turkey on this day, it's because they have gotten into the wine while the bird was in the oven. I burned Turkey with napalm today because I was 'pissed' in a different sense."
Anvil Shortage in USA
The Acme Anvil Company of Bangor, Maine, just can't keep up with demand.
"Some guy in the middle of the Arizona badlands just keeps ordering more and more. I wish we knew what he's doing with them!"
Zen Master Acquires iPhone, SIRI Attains Enlightenment
"I kept asking SIRI the same questions until it learned to abandon all preconceived notions and answer as a truly enlightened one would", explained Roshi Tawake-Sama.
Hook-Noses, Towel-Heads Clash Over Ancient Holy Site
Oh, wait! Is this supposed to be a NEWS section? Well, this hardly qualifies. Let me go see if the situation has changed any in the last forty years....Nope, still the same old shit!
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