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Trump Vows to Bomb Al-Gebra
"When I am elected, my first priority will be bombing the Shiite out of Al-Gebra before they acquire weapons of math deduction. I bombed algebra in high school; I shall bomb Al-Gebra as president!"
Pokemon Go Players Killed on Artillery Range
A group of eight youngsters was killed by a single round from an M777 howitzer when they ventured onto a firing range at Fort Sill, Oklahoma in search of "Pokemon Go" characters.
Donald Trump Abducted by ISIS
His captors have reportedly strapped him to a chair, Clockwork Orange style, and are forcing him to watch Speedy Gonzales, Machete, and Cheech & Chong, until he volunteers to cut his own throat.
Democratic Party to Copyright "and" ,"if", "but" etc.
Copyright attorney Avrahim Goldfisch has announced that, on behalf of the U.S. Democrats, he was applying to copyright hundreds of common words, in an effort to curb plagiarism by U.S. Republicans.
Alphabet Pasta Now Available in China
Thanks to 3-D printing technology, the Chinese are now able to produce noodles resembling every character in their writing system. Collect all four hundred cans!
Caitlyn Jenner Endures First Bridal Shower, Changes Back to Male!
"I'll be brain-dead if I ever have to endure another four hours of turbo-girl-talk and inane party games again", she said.
Trump Ponders Choice of Running MILF
"Sierra Paylin or Anne Colter. They both have big boobs, and both make me look rather sane by comparison. How to choose, how to choose..."
Sanders Courts Jewish Vote
Bernie Sanders has decided to modify his debating style in a manner that will surely appeal to Jewish voters. Henceforth, he will answer all questions with questions of his own.
Reindeer Becoming Elf-Radicalized
'Elf-radicalized' reindeer can be seen protesting at the North Pole and outside of major U.S. department stores, carrying signs and shouting: "DEATH TO THE GREAT SANTA!"
Poutine Burns Turkey on Thanksgiving Day
"When Americans burn a turkey on this day, it's because they have gotten into the wine while the bird was in the oven. I burned Turkey with napalm today because I was 'pissed' in a different sense."
Anvil Shortage in USA
The Acme Anvil Company of Bangor, Maine, just can't keep up with demand.
"Some guy in the middle of the Arizona badlands just keeps ordering more and more. I wish we knew what he's doing with them!"
Zen Master Acquires iPhone, SIRI Attains Enlightenment
"I kept asking SIRI the same questions until it learned to abandon all preconceived notions and answer as a truly enlightened one would", explained Roshi Tawake-Sama.
Hook-Noses, Towel-Heads Clash Over Ancient Holy Site
Oh, wait! Is this supposed to be a NEWS section? Well, this hardly qualifies. Let me go see if the situation has changed any in the last forty years....Nope, still the same old shit!
Refugees Settle on Island of Lesbos
A boatload of Middle Eastern refugees has demanded permission to settle on the Greek island of Lesbos, rather than travel to the European mainland. "We will be model Lesbians!" they exclaimed.
Hungary Protests Against Refugee Influx
"What makes these ragtag nomads from Asia think that they can gallop all over Europe with impunity?" demanded Hungary's U.N. ambassador Attila D. Honeybun, as he steadied his horse and drew his bow.
L.A.P.D Weighs in on Jenner's Transformation
"Bruce Jenner drove like a prick," said a police spokesman. " Caitlyn drives like a cunt. Any questions?"
Trump Fires Hairstylist
"You're fired!" Donald Trump bellowed to his personal hairstylist yesterday.
"It's about frickin' time!" muttered the FuxNews reporter who's been following him like a lost puppy all week.
Rachel Dolezal Opens Up to Therapist
"I never actually believed myself to be black", she confided. "This whole charade just seemed to be the quickest, easiest way to land a humongous dick between my thighs."
The late Spock, as a half-human male, tried without success to solve a most curious problem: He was attracted to women with one huge boob!
Sierra Paylin, Anne Colter Compare Boobs
Well, THAT got your attention, didn't it now?
Tuxedo Sales Soar as Plumber's Butt Reaches Crisis Proportions
Tuxedo sales are booming as more and more overweight laborers discover what classical musicians have known for decades: Nothing covers up an embarrassing butt crack like a classy pair of coat tails!
Zombies Seize Golem Heights
Key Israeli garrisons in the Golem Heights have fallen to an army of zombies marching in from Har Megiddo, led by a badly decomposing Jew clad only in a loincloth and a crown of thorns.
Mayor Ford Denies All
This morning, in his first public press conference since his release from rehab, Toronto mayor Rob Ford told reporters: "I have never denied denying my failure to admit to being in denial."
Rapper Flo Rida to Wed
Last night, rapper Flo Rida announced his engagement to his long time companion, hip-hop queen I da Ho. Though the couple has yet to set a wedding date, they plan to spend their honeymoon in Dahomey.
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