Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw.

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Roseanne Smokes Ambien, Commits Genocide

That's what can happen when the human brain receives a sudden rush of all those racistogenic molecules all at once.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 19 June 2018

Nevada Brothels Offer 50% Discount to "Incels"

"I hope y'all appreciate how much money we're losing on this", sighed one Madam. "I mean, I have to offer the girls one hell of a bonus just to let those twits come anywhere near their twats!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 04 June 2018

Church of England Excommunicates Harry, Meghan

"Her current state of pregnancy is clear evidence of pre-marital sex", read a statement from the Archbishop of Cunt Herbiary. "This is a clear violation of our eternal and unchanging doctrines."

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 27 May 2018

"Goop" Introduces Coal Egg

"Once you muster enough pelvic muscle strength to compress this baby into a diamond, you will have a beautiful gemstone to present to the man of your dreams," declared spokesmodel Gwyneth Paltrow.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 13 January 2018

Trump Tweets to be Appended to "Little Red Book"

Maoist scholars have been compiling all of His Orangeness's tweets, and, after careful deliberation, have deemed them to be just as insightful as the sayings of The Great Helmsman.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 13 January 2018

Canadian Rock Icon Dies, New Orleans Sinks

his band denies having anything to do with this catastrophe. When asked to comment, mayor Mitch Landrieu could only say: "Blub gurgle burble glub blub!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 30 October 2017

Comey Firing Blamed on Auto-Correct

"I couldn't allow some commie to lead the Feral Burro of Instigation!" tweeted El Bendejo in all caps.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 20 June 2017

Trump Denies Existence of Comey Tapes

"Who uses tapes any more?" he asked. "USB sticks are where it's at!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 18 June 2017

Transylvania Airlines Announces Policy Change

"From now on, when flights are overbooked, we will no longer impale surplus passengers beside the airport tarmac," announced company president Vlad Teppish.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 22 April 2017

Trump Nukes Sweden

"That's what they get for trying to cover up a terrorist attack on their soil!" he thundered, while randomly pushing every red button in sight.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 21 February 2017

Istanbul Police Tired of "Turkey Hunt" Jokes

"Yes, this is Turkey", sighed Police Chief Mehmet Arqodun, "and we are engaged in a manhunt, and we will shoot on sight, but can't you guys come up with something more creative?"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 07 January 2017

Exploding Samsung Phones Actually North Korean Plot

"Hey, we had to get rid of our excess fissile material somehow!" exclaimed the Dear Leader with a shrug.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 16 October 2016

Bill Clinton, Donald Trump Have Gay Affair

Test results are in from the lab: The stain on The Donald's tie is full of Bill Clinton's DNA.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 16 October 2016

Creepy Clown Groin-Kicks Donald Trump

O.k., not really, but it's fun to think about, isn't it?

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 15 October 2016

Trump Vows to Bomb Al-Gebra

"When I am elected, my first priority will be bombing the Shiite out of Al-Gebra before they acquire weapons of math deduction. I bombed algebra in high school; I shall bomb Al-Gebra as president!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 14 August 2016

Pokemon Go Players Killed on Artillery Range

A group of eight youngsters was killed by a single round from an M777 howitzer when they ventured onto a firing range at Fort Sill, Oklahoma in search of "Pokemon Go" characters.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 07 August 2016

Donald Trump Abducted by ISIS

His captors have reportedly strapped him to a chair, Clockwork Orange style, and are forcing him to watch Speedy Gonzales, Machete, and Cheech & Chong, until he volunteers to cut his own throat.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 30 July 2016

Democratic Party to Copyright "and" ,"if", "but" etc.

Copyright attorney Avrahim Goldfisch has announced that, on behalf of the U.S. Democrats, he was applying to copyright hundreds of common words, in an effort to curb plagiarism by U.S. Republicans.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 27 July 2016

Alphabet Pasta Now Available in China

Thanks to 3-D printing technology, the Chinese are now able to produce noodles resembling every character in their writing system. Collect all four hundred cans!

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 18 July 2016

Caitlyn Jenner Endures First Bridal Shower, Changes Back to Male!

"I'll be brain-dead if I ever have to endure another four hours of turbo-girl-talk and inane party games again", she said.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 13 June 2016

Trump Ponders Choice of Running MILF

"Sierra Paylin or Anne Colter. They both have big boobs, and both make me look rather sane by comparison. How to choose, how to choose..."

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 21 May 2016

Sanders Courts Jewish Vote

Bernie Sanders has decided to modify his debating style in a manner that will surely appeal to Jewish voters. Henceforth, he will answer all questions with questions of his own.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 13 March 2016

Reindeer Becoming Elf-Radicalized

'Elf-radicalized' reindeer can be seen protesting at the North Pole and outside of major U.S. department stores, carrying signs and shouting: "DEATH TO THE GREAT SANTA!"

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 06 December 2015

Poutine Burns Turkey on Thanksgiving Day

"When Americans burn a turkey on this day, it's because they have gotten into the wine while the bird was in the oven. I burned Turkey with napalm today because I was 'pissed' in a different sense."

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 28 November 2015

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