Showing snippets written by Samuel Vargo.
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Donald Trump says 'diamonds are a girl's best friend' -
"Whenever I have lady problems, I go right to the jeweler and buy diamonds. Even though Megyn Kelly's married, I should've bought her a rock. Dag nab! Now I want to throw one at her!"
Donald Trump's ratings go higher with every insane rant & insult -
"I never knew politics was so much fun. I can hardly wait to get to the White House, walk into the kitchen, and yell at the kitchen staff - 'You're fired!'"
Donald Trump insists his hair is real and not a toupe' -
"It's mine, it's all mine...My parents left me with really great hair roots and a quarter of a gawdzillion buckeroos. I've galvanized their money and it went right to my head!"
The Republican Party hates Donald Trump -
And the feeling's mutual. The wannabes and hacks have been trumped by a real blabbermouth with the spine of a coast-to-coast railroad! It's not the caboose, but the engine that'll run you over.
Megyn Kelly is very upset with Donald Trump's debate reactions --
Now, now, cupcake...Did you really expect The Donald to be suave and debonair when you acted like a witch on wheels? Do filthy rich guys or Fox blabbermouths get their wealth from such attributes?
Donald Trump says "Puerto Ricans are his least favorite Mexicans" -
And he still insists he'll win the Hispanic vote. Even if you covered that mop with a sombrero until voting day, you won't get one Latino vote, gringo!
Will Donald Trump run as an Independent?
Maybe. Maybe not. At this point, even the Independents (there's not really such a party, is there?) just want him to go away. Mars would be good. Uranus better.
Hey Bruce, that's show biz!!! -
Bruce Broughton complained to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences after his title track to "Alone Yet Not Alone" was nixed for nomination. He called the decision "stupid and hypocritical."
New NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio declares he wants to outlaw horse drawn carriages from Central Park -
And we thought outgoing mayor Michael Bloomberg's plan to limit soda sizes was silly. Now a lot of draft horses are out of work! Since they're equines, they can't even file for unemployment!
Reports show that airline pilots often land planes at wrong airports -
Since the 1990s, at least 150 cases of this have been documented. Drinking and flying don't mix! And don't smoke pot in the cockpit, you frauds!
No, actually it was my Uncle Charlie's bootheels staggering home from the pub last night! -
Archaeologists discovered footprints in the UK that are between 800,000 and 1 million years old - the earliest proof of human life in northern Europe.
Google Changes Search Engine logo to Protest Russia's Anti-Gay Stance -
by showing athletes skiing, sledding, curling and skating against a rainbow-colored backdrop. Vladimir Putin says he'll put the logo and Google into Soviet prison.
Pussy Riot's Nadia Tolokonnikov will run for Moscow's General Assembly -
And bandmate Maria Alekhina may also run. Before it's said and done, the girls might be running out of the country, though.
An Italian man allegedly cut open his Dublin landlord's chest and tried to eat his heart after a chess match -
Yikes, just think what would have happened if they were actually playing a wagering game like Texas Hold'Em?
Octomom Suleman charged with welfare fraud -
"You've come a long way baby," after being a famous mamma to a welfare cheat. Smile for the court monitors, mam.
A Wyoming lawmaker pushes to allow use of the firing squad to execute condemned state inmates -
if lethal injections aren't available. Wait, are you sure this wasn't a certain tea-bagger New Jersey governor who wants this as a punishment for anyone who says anything derogatory about him?
Marine biologist penalized for feeding killer whales in the wild -
Of course, the killer whales didn't mind. They couldn't believe such a nice lady would be fined and given community service time for giving them tasty treats.
Scientists claim prehistoric fish might have had rear legs -
And some fish today, thanks to chemical spills in the ocean, could have as many as thirty or forty legs.
More than half of Americans are holding on to their VHS players -
Which isn't so alarming, since nearly all Americans still read paperback and hardback books, preferring them to e-books.
Dennis Rodman led an auditorium of North Koreans in singing "Happy Birthday" to their leader -
after a hoops exhibition in Pyongyang. Kim Jong Un seemed to crack a smile and said he'd spare Rodman's life and keep him out of prison for life for singing a bit off-key.
Over 500 F-Bombs Fly on "Wolf of Wall Street" -
Which arguably makes it the "swearing-est" movie of all time, even comparing it to other profane notables like Casino, and Nil By Mouth, and Alpha Dog. How's about saying "darn," and "shucks"?
"Duck Dynasty" to take on a more serious Evangelistic tone -
With all the silliness gone, they'll now be competing with infomercials and QVC. And they'll be broadcast in the dead of night on OWN.
Fake Facebook likes, Twitter followers, and YouTube views abound -
Creating a host of fake celebrities and jacked-up ratings for wannabes and posers. Even The Spoof has 100,000 spider monkeys trained to click on its stories so we can rival the big guys.
"Humble and to the point, that's Herbie Hancock"
- Said Bill O'Reilly, speaking at the Kennedy Center Awards on Sunday. What a paradox, Mr. O'Reilly, to you, you slippery, silver-tongued, arrogant devil.
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