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Bill Clinton: U. S. can't win ground war vs. Iraq
Bill Clinton insists the U. S. armed forces cannot win a land war against Iraq "or any other country, no matter how many booties are on the ground, because there are too many gays in the military."
France launches airstrike against ISIS (or ISIL)
France announced it has completed its first air strike against ISIS, or ISIL, or "somebody" in Iran, admitting pilots confused their target with Iraq and asked the Iranians' "pardon."
Roger Goodell's mixed signals: a double standard?
Pressured by women's rights groups, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said players may no longer "head-butt" their wives or girlfriends, but allowed the Cowboys' Michael Sam to butt-head his boyfriend.
Biden corrects the record (again)
VP Joe Biden says he "misspoke" when he characterized Jews as being "Shylocks." What he meant to say, he said, was "merciless moneylenders." He promises to be more "insensitive" in the future.
Scottish scholars explain Scotland's "no" vote
Political science professors in Scotland say voters said "no" to independence from England, Great Britain, and the United Kingdom because that's as close as voters could get to a "maybe someday" vote.
MPAA charges with "Sexism"
Feminists have charged the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) with "sexism" for labeling films featuring male nudity as "gross" while describing those containing female nudity as "yum."
Twitter quashes rumors
So many celebrities have posted nude photos on Twitter that the social networking service has had to deny rumors that it's changing its name to "Titter" and referring to posts as "tits," not "tweets."
New technology to offer better sex (toys)
Sexologists predict 4-D printing can (and will) be used to design dildos and other sex toys that create themselves by causing 3-D materials to assume new shapes after they are printed.
Horse meat a hard sell
Following the British government's announcement of its establishment of a Food Crime Unit, horse meat fanciers may have to settle for dog meat, as it is expected to be harder to sell equine entrees.
Scarlett Johansson on her nude selfies
"Actress" Scarlett Johansson is grateful, she says, that she posted only airbrushed nude photos of herself. "If the public got a gander of the real me, I wouldn't have any fans left at all!"
Buckingham Palace guardsman to be "disciplined"
One of Her Majesty's palace guards, a "frustrated ballerina," will be "drawn and quartered" for adding pirouettes to his routine. "The queen was not amused," a spokesman explained.
Vice Presiden Biden usurps President Obummer's power
Assuming the role of U. S. commander in chief, Joe Biden announced, "U. S. troops will chase ISIS to the gates of hell. If Obummer won't act, I will. Unlike the president, I have a strategy."
Biden: "We will follow ISIS to gates of hell"
U. S. troops wonder how to accomplish the mission Biden set for them when they're not allowed to leave the gates of the U. S. embassy in Iraq. "Simple," says Biden. "You're already at hell's gates."
Whee TV's "show sure to be a "hit"
Whee TV's new show, "Sex Box," features couples doing the dirty in a cardboard box at various locations around London. ("Box," producers point out, is slang for "vagina," so it's a heterosexual show.)
Teachers sentenced for sex with students
A former female high school teacher received six months in jail for having sex with a male student, while a male teacher at the same school received a six-year sentence for bedding a coed pupil.
All-male "bikini coffee shop" busted
An all-male "bikini coffee shop" in Everett, WA, was busted after female customers complained that the "cream" in their coffee wasn't exactly cream--not the dairy kind, at any rate.
Al Pacino's latest blockbuster
In his portrayal of a "sick bastard" who enjoys sex with animals, Al Pacino "plays with pussies" in his latest film, "Mange Horny."
Airlines' plan to stop onboard "knee defender" fights
To prevent violence over passengers' defense of their knee space, airlines are now requiring above-the-knee amputations prior to passengers' boarding of aircraft--unless they've paid for first class.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt marry
Now that he's made an "honest woman" of Angelina, Brad says the "thrill" in their relationship is "gone."
Angry Birds CEO to step down
Angry Birds CEO Mikael Hed will not head the Finnish company next year; he is being replaced because he is not "choleric" enough to effectively represent the hostile video game franchise.
Ft. Hood shooter seeks release
Nidal Hasan, the Army shrink who killed 13 people in his 2009 shooting spree at Ft. Hood, TX, asked to be paroled so he can "have the privilege" of joining ISIS. President Obama may order his pardon.
Chelsea Clinton "insulted" by NBC request
Spoiled brat Chelsea Clinton told NBC to take their job and "shove it," insulted by the request that she continue to intern at her current annual salary of $60,000." "I want more!" she explained.
Ellen challenges Hillary
Hollywood lesbian Ellen Degenerate issued an ice bucket challenge to "friend" Hillary Clinton. "She's too cheap to donate money," Ellen said, "and she has hot hooters. I bet she has nice pokies!"
Reid apologizes for being a racist
Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) told Asians he is sorry he's a racist after making offensive remarks about Chinese Americans and the Washington Redskins. "I was Wong," he admitted.
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