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Uber to fly the unfriendly skies
Within three years, Uber intends to offer flying cars to serve as taxis or, for passengers who no longer want to be dragged down an airplane's aisles, as surrogates for United Airlines flights.
Rapper Kodak Black may be imprisoned for real
For violating house arrest and visiting a strip club, rapper Kodak Black could face hard time in prison. "If I goes to jail, it be worth it," he said. "Them titties was sexy!"
Bill Cosby eager to clear his name
As he awaits trial on rape charges, has-been comedian Bill Cosby says he can't wait until he's acquitted so he can, uh, "perform" again.
Website harasses Coulter
A website, Jess's Belles, sexually harassed conservative pundit Anne Coulter, calling her a "blowhard," a euphemism for someone who performs oral sex.
United Airlines CEO supports employees
After his employees demanded officials drag a customer from a plane so an employee could take his seat, the airline's CEO praised them. "They followed our standard operating procedure."
Walmart fires thousands
Walmart laid off 307,000 associates but promises to relocate them. The company has hired United Airlines to re-accommodate them.
Effects of infection seen in San Francisco couple
A just-married couple honeymooning in Hawaii were infected by a brain parasite, but still consider their experience "two weeks in paradise."
Hillary ratings set new record
According to a recent Razmuzzen Poll, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating has plunged to a record low of -1,000 percent, which is "lower than whale shit."
UFO sightings hit all-time high
Since recreational marijuana was legalized in Colorado in 2012, more UFO sightings have been reported in the state than ever before, but legislators insist the correlation is merely coincidental.
Self-driving cars "too expensive," critic says
Auto mechanic Ben Fixt says, at their anticipated price of $300,000 each, self-driving cars will be too expensive for him. "I'd rather walk," he said.
California home to most homeless
Due to its liberal politics and socialistic economy, The Golden State has more homeless and more rich people than any other state in America.
Bimbo Bread changes name
After being charged with sexism, Bimbo Bread is changing its name. Henceforth, it will be known as Virgin Slices.
Costco to cost more
Costco announced it's raising membership fees so it can continue to give shoppers low prices.
Pelosi vows to resist repeal of Obummercare
Senate Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she's not about to sit idly by while Obummercare is repealed. "I need the insurance to pay for my plastic surgery and Botox!"
Lewinsky featured on new "adult" product
Monica Lewinsky's licensed likeness will appear on knee pads sold in adult bookstores and porno theater gift shops. Her face appears on each pad, above the caption, "At your service, Mr. President!"
Lindsey Graham confesses his love for John McCain
Senator Lindsey Graham said he's always loved his "good friend," Senator John McCain and, now that gay marriage is legal, Graham would marry him "in a heartbeat" if McCain proposed.
Pelosi says chat worse than semen
Senate Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi told Congress Clinton only "spilled his seed" on Monica Lewinsky; "Sessions spoke to Putin. Bill was impeached; Jeff should be, too. Talking to Putin is far worse!"
Lewinsky wears red and black, but not blue
With Monica the Mouth due to debut on TV, Monica Lewinsky twice appeared at Vanity Fair's Oscar party, wearing first black, then red. She won't wear blue, the color President Clinton ejaculated on.
Starbucks goes after Vatican City market
Hoping to sell its product to citizens of Vatican City, Starbucks announced two new espressos, The Rosary and The Pontiff. It might be a hard sell, though: reportedly, the Pope prefers fine wines.
Japan's latest taste treats
Japan, which gave the world both gokkun and bukkake, now offers "animal cafes," where the eateries' mascots, dogs, cats, and even owls, can be slaughtered, butchered, and cooked on demand.
Cemex wants Trump to build wall
Mexican cement company Cemex offered the U. S. "cut-rate prices" for its product, which executives hope will be used to build a wall to keep illegal immigrants at home, where cheap labor is needed.
Rachel Dolezal changes name
Although Rachel Dolezal, a white woman pretending she's black, says she can't afford to pay her bills, she was able to pay for a legal name change and is now known as Out of Africa.
Jeff Sessions rescues himself from Russian investigations
Previously, Attorney General Sessions said he's had no communications with Russia. Now, pleading the 5th Amendment, he will have no communications with the Justice Department.
Taliban leader asks Afghans for favor
Mullah Haibatullah Akhundzada asked Afghans to plant trees. "We need more places from which to ambush American dogs," he said.
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