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Xander Harris arrested in Boise, ID
Self-described "vampire slayer wannabe" Xander Harris was arrested in a Boise hotel lobby for trying to "stake" guests while babbling "incoherently" about someone named Buffy who, "told me to do it."
Jennifer Aniston: "I was up to the job"
Before she became famous as the Girl Next Door Who Is Most Likely To, actress Jennifer Aniston earned her living servicing johns. "The porcelain ones," she clarified, "not the horny kind."
Democratic National Committee chair predicts "landslide victory"
DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz predicts a "landslide victory" in next month's midterm elections. "The Republicans are going to win big time!" she said.
Police baffled by mysterious find
Police searching for a missing woman found the remains of a human female that closely resemble her. Mystified, the head of the Missing Persons Bureau admits, "Now, we don't know what to do."
Cruise ship Ebola free--this time
A health worker who potentially put the 4,000 passengers aboard a Carousel Cruise Lines ship at risk for Ebola tested negative. "Next time," she said, "I will try harder."
Obummer's latest Ebola "protocol"
Reacting to criticism of his administration's handling of the Ebola crisis, Obummer has announced plans to dispatch "swat teams" armed with flyswatters to combat the disease wherever it next appears.
Runaway teens want to come home after joining ISIS
Two Austrian teenage girls who left home to join ISIS want to return home. "Beheading people isn't as fun as we thought it would be," one whined. "It's messy," the other agreed, "and sort of gross."
Martha Stewart on Gweneth Paltrow's need to change lifestyle brand name
After visiting Gweneth Paltrow's lifestyle advice blog, Goop, Martha Stewart advised her would-be competitor to rename it. "A more fitting title," Stewart fumed, "would be Poop."
Gweneth Paltrow orgasms upon meeting Obummer
At a fund raiser, "actress" Gweneth Paltrow told President Obummer, "You're so handsome; I wish I were 162 million people, so my love for you could offset your negative ratings among other Americans!"
Supreme Court says it's okay to be gay
The US Supreme Court has decreed that Americans have the right to be gay. The Constitution, they ruled, implies this, just as it does rights to abortion, Obamacare, and anything else politicians want.
CNN layoffs loom
Unable to compete with Fox News, CNN has announced the layoff of its news crews. "From now on," owner Ted Turner says, "we just do human interest stuff and other fluff."
League: Kaepernick's behavior "sexist"
49er's quarterback Colin Rand Kaepernick was "reprimanded" and "fined" for wearing pink Beats headphones in support of the NFL's "Love the Boobies" breast cancer awareness campaign.
President Obummer: unemployment down
President Barack Obummer takes credit for single-handedly reducing the U. S.'s long-term unemployment. "Due to me, both Eric Holder and Julia Pierson recently resigned, making way for new hires."
Bill Clinton: U. S. can't win ground war vs. Iraq
Bill Clinton insists the U. S. armed forces cannot win a land war against Iraq "or any other country, no matter how many booties are on the ground, because there are too many gays in the military."
France launches airstrike against ISIS (or ISIL)
France announced it has completed its first air strike against ISIS, or ISIL, or "somebody" in Iran, admitting pilots confused their target with Iraq and asked the Iranians' "pardon."
Roger Goodell's mixed signals: a double standard?
Pressured by women's rights groups, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said players may no longer "head-butt" their wives or girlfriends, but allowed the Cowboys' Michael Sam to butt-head his boyfriend.
Biden corrects the record (again)
VP Joe Biden says he "misspoke" when he characterized Jews as being "Shylocks." What he meant to say, he said, was "merciless moneylenders." He promises to be more "insensitive" in the future.
Scottish scholars explain Scotland's "no" vote
Political science professors in Scotland say voters said "no" to independence from England, Great Britain, and the United Kingdom because that's as close as voters could get to a "maybe someday" vote.
MPAA charges with "Sexism"
Feminists have charged the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) with "sexism" for labeling films featuring male nudity as "gross" while describing those containing female nudity as "yum."
Twitter quashes rumors
So many celebrities have posted nude photos on Twitter that the social networking service has had to deny rumors that it's changing its name to "Titter" and referring to posts as "tits," not "tweets."
New technology to offer better sex (toys)
Sexologists predict 4-D printing can (and will) be used to design dildos and other sex toys that create themselves by causing 3-D materials to assume new shapes after they are printed.
Horse meat a hard sell
Following the British government's announcement of its establishment of a Food Crime Unit, horse meat fanciers may have to settle for dog meat, as it is expected to be harder to sell equine entrees.
Scarlett Johansson on her nude selfies
"Actress" Scarlett Johansson is grateful, she says, that she posted only airbrushed nude photos of herself. "If the public got a gander of the real me, I wouldn't have any fans left at all!"
Buckingham Palace guardsman to be "disciplined"
One of Her Majesty's palace guards, a "frustrated ballerina," will be "drawn and quartered" for adding pirouettes to his routine. "The queen was not amused," a spokesman explained.
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