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Scientific Testing Proves:
Fox News does make you stupid.
Political Survey of Heaven
Of the seven registered voters from America who died and went to heaven last year, five were Democrats and two were Republicans. No independent voters were admitted past the pearly gates.
GOP Reverses Stance on Global Warming
Republicans blame Obama for imminent crisis.
Don't feel bad.
You may be outside looking in, but oftentimes you're looking in at a snake pit.
Congress investigates itself . . .
. . . in regard to failings in V.A. system, finds no fault.
Watching Today's News...
Power corrupts; Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Apparently, it also makes you stupid.
Giant Cable Merger
Economist agree that the merger of Comcast and Time-Warner will result in dramatically reduced costs for subscribers. (Ha, ha. Just kidding.)
Psychiatric Cure Claimed
Remedy for political impotence (aka: one man,one vote) said to be spoof writing. Critics say it's just the placebo effect.
Unusual Medical Incident
New England man treated this week for simultaneous frostbite and scalding after holding mug of hot coffee bare-handed in below zero weather.
'Fist Bump' Now Acceptable
White folk in Utah are using it. The gesture is still suspiciously racially charged when used by Mr. and Mrs. Obama.
New Book Published
'Soil Aeration and Composting' by co-authors Anna Lidd and Eartha Wurme
Dems Employ Reverse-Psychology Strategy
They put forth the opposite of what they really want in hopes that knee-jerk Repubs follow their standard operating principles and go the other way.
U.S. Dogs Protest Time Change
Do not understand why they should have to eat one hour later on Standard Time.
Pathologist Disects Republican Congressman
Finds enlarged spleen, liver. Heart unaccountably missing. Brain abnormal.
Republicans Foreclose on Government
Plan to short-sell stocks, make a bundle when the market crashes.
Obama Nominates King Solomon to Supreme Court
Republicans block appointment in Senate, say Solomon too liberal.
When Ted Cruz Smiles
Picture the smile of accomplishment of a six-month old boy who just deposited a load in his diaper . . .
Republicans to Take Toys, Go Home
After 40 failed attempts to defund Obamacare, House Republicans intend to shut down the government, stick out tongues, and say, "Nyah, nyah, nyah".
'Safe Sex' is an Oxymoron
Beware! All sex is inherently risky! Unforeseen consequences abound!
In Bizarro-World News Today:
Syria has no chemical weapons and never used them, but is willing to turn them over anyways.
Why do they call it a tattoo 'parlor'? Why not a den, or a rec room?
"The Boy's Big Book of Homemade Explosives" has been pulled from middle-school shelves on the grounds of being sexist literature.
Last Reporter With Balls Passes Away
When other White House reporters eagerly licked factoid tidbits from the fingers of administration flacks, Helen Thomas was required to wear a sign around her neck that said "Do Not Hand Feed".
Pharmaceutical Company Sets New Record!
Tryurluc, the new FDA-approved drug from Dicecast Industries has 784 potential side effects, 50 percent of which have proven fatal in clinical testing.
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