Showing snippets written by Matt Birkenhauer.
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I hear the Republican Party appeared on a recent episode of The Apprentice as one of its guests and was promptly fired by its addled host.
Gun Rights Activist Dwayne LaPenis Shot While Giving a Speech to the Gun Lobby
Dies Minutes Later as Attending Physicians Offer Their "Thoughts and Prayers"
Tweeting Out of Your Ass
idiom. Used to describe what President Trump does early in the morning when he should be devoting his time to mastering complex domestic and foreign policy issues.
I got the results back from my Telomere kit to find out how old I was in Teloyears, and discovered that I've been dead since 2007. Bummer.
The First Two Hundred Days
BREAKING NEWS: After No Major Legislative Wins, President Trump Signs an Executive Order Extending the First One Hundred Days to Two Hundred Days
I'm thinking of writing a dystopian novel loosely based on the Trump Administration. It will be called my diary.
Trump U. to Re-open
BREAKING NEWS: Betsy DeVos Approved as Secretary of Education, Trump U. to Re-open
(A cardboard cutout of Donald Trump is expected to teach a class in for-profit schools and Ponzi schemes.)
Build That Wall!
This Just In: Kellyanne Conway Calls for Building a Wall between Donald Trump and his Twitter Account, Which American Taxpayers Are Only Too Glad to Pay For
Alternative facts. n. a rhetorical device employed by political surrogates of questionable character when reality does not match up with their political agenda. See Trump surrogate.
Putting Christ Back in Christmas
Thank God the PussyGrabber-in-Chief is putting Christ back in Christmas . (Just don't let him anywhere near the Virgin Mary.)
#BreakingNews: President Barack Obama Admits That Donald Trump's Birther Certificate Is Authentic
The New GOP
Truth in advertising: Maybe the GOP ought to now stand for Grovelling Over Putin?
Today President Obama pardoned all the turkeys who voted for Donald Trump.
They will live out their lives standing in unemployment lines, waiting for Mr. Trump to Make America Great Again.
Thanksgiving Reminder to Self
Reminder to self: If the topic of the election comes up at Thanksgiving, do NOT refer to the President-erect as the Birther-in-Chief or as President Xenophobe.
First Amendment Rewrite
Republicans have rewritten the Establishment Clause, "Congress shall make no law respecting the practice of Islam but shall make one prohibiting the free exercise thereof."
Donald Trump's Newest Book
Donald Trump has released his newest book, called "They Pussy Grabber-in-Chief Tells All: How to Seduce Women and Voters with Tic Tacs and Bombast."
On sale at adult book stores everywhere.
HURRICAN DONALD TO MAKE LANDFALL ON THE ISLAND OF REPUBLICAN IN EARLY NOVEMBER
The Blowhard, expected to reach winds of 160 MPH, may well level the Grand Old Party--or, at least what's left of it.
Rock-a-bye Donald, in the pawnshop
When the wind blows, the campaign will rock
When the polls break, the campaign will fall
And down will come Donald, claptrap and all
Trump Surrogate (from the Americna Political Dictionay)
A subspecies of Homo Republicanus Rabidus that subsists on making the indefensible defensible. He or she can often be found on cable news shows or under rocks. It preys on the ignorant.
Speaking out of His . . . .
Donald Trump speaks out of his ass so often he no longer has a face.
Donald Trump Promises to Build a Wall Against the Zika Virus and Make It Pay for It
"Free" Pig Roast
A marquee in front of a local church announced, "Free Pig Roast!"
No doubt, for the hungry attendees of the Pig Roast, the event is free. The pig himself, however, will pay dearly for the event.
Cristo's Newest Installment
Cristo Runs Out of Supplies with his Newest Installment: Wrapping Donald Trump's Ego in Synthetic Fabric
Some Days When I Wake Up
Some days I wake up and think that God, if he does exist (and I'm pretty sure he doesn't), drank his way through a third-rate state college before getting his degree in Organizational Mismanagement.
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