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Showing snippets written by Matt Birkenhauer.


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Hidden Driveway

I'm always flummoxed by signs that read "Hidden Driveway."

If you went to all that trouble to hide your driveway, why announce its whereabouts with a sign?

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 January 2016
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Othering

Other Othered from Support Group Forms Another Other Support Group

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 01 January 2016
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American Political Dictionary

Tinkle Down Economics: A feel good theory of economics that allows Conservatives to piss on the poor and justify their un-Christ-like behavior with a bogus theory.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 December 2015
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How much do I hate Christmas?

You think that the Grinch had a problem with Christmas? I hate it so much that I wish God, the night he knocked up the Virgin Mary, had used a condom.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 15 December 2015
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God's Tweet

#TheBigGuy (God's tweet after the deluge of prayers He received this week):

Look, you dumb fucks, you have free will. Use the reason I endowed you with. Pass some common sense gun control laws.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 December 2015
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American Political Dictionary

Cuntrition: The state of a politician who has been caught cheating on his wife and appears before a press conference with his wife and family. Not to be confused with contrition.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 December 2015
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American Political Dictionary

Active Shooter: a white wingnut and/or terrorist with an assault weapon exercising his Second Amendment rights.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 December 2015
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Ben Carson's Syllogism

All politicians exist.
I am not a politician.
Therefore, I do not exist.


written by Matt Birkenhauer, 08 November 2015
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Ayn Rand's Golden Rule

Love thyself above all else.
They neighbor? He can go to hell.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 October 2015
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American Political Dictionary

The American People Think/Believe/Want: A phrase a politician employs when he or she is delusional enough to think that he or she speaks for 318 million people.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 October 2015
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John Boehner's Confession to Pope Francis

Pope Francis Hears John Boehner's Confession

Assigns Him and the Republican Party 400,000 Hail Marys and 83, 000 Our Fathers as Penance for Pissing on the Poor

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 10 September 2015
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Grumpy Trumpy

Grumpy Trumpy made quite a squall,
Grumpy Trumpy had a great fall.
All of Ailes' minions and all of Ailes' pundits
Couldn't put his Party together again.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 31 July 2015
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The Pharisee

"Hate the sin, not the sinner," he says exculpatorily, as he hungrily bites into his bacon and tomato sandwich that his second wife just prepared for him.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 10 May 2015
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This Insult Won't Work

Given the genius and utility of the reproductive system of a flower, is there any point in telling a flower to go fuck itself?

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 May 2015
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Scandal in Washington!

John Boner, Mitch McCocklin, and Benjamin the Yahoo Caught In Sexual Congress

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 06 March 2015
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Action Steps

Steps Taking Action Steps to Implement Pre-plan Thwarted by Action Plan

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 December 2014
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Waterboarding Works!

CIA Director John Brennan, Under Waterboarding Administered by the Senate, Admits That Torture Is a Bad Idea

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 December 2014
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Another One Caught on Tape

Pro Running Back Joe Brawn Caught Stuffing His Wife's Body in His Freezer; NFL League Officials Suspicious

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 10 September 2014
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Howard Baker Dead at 88

Former Senator Howard Baker, the one-time Senate Majority leader known for his ability to reach across the aisle, dies, setting off an acrimonious debate in Congress over how non-partisan he was.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 26 June 2014
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A Benghazi Minute

I sat down (Benghazi) to watch (Benghazi) FOX (Benghazi) News and was sitting (Benghazi) for about two (Benghazi) minutes before I saw still another (Benghazi) story about--you guessed it--Benghazi.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 08 May 2014
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Rush Limbaugh's Ratings Drop

According to Arbitron, the bloviating conservative talk show host is now neck to neck with his ass. Rush's ass comes in a close second at 13 million viewers, just above Sean Hannity.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 24 April 2014
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Speaker of the House Boehner Suffers a Stroke?

Paramedics were called into the capitol last night to treat Speaker of the House John Boehner for a suspected stroke. It turns out the Speaker was diagnosed instead with DFS (Dour Face Syndrome).

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 29 January 2014
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Texas Needs Dead Incubators

Texas to Harvest Brain-dead Women as Incubators. Says Gov. Rick Perry, "It's a way for the family of the deceased to help new life grow from a persistent vegetative state. It's win-win!"

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 January 2014
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Second Amendment Rewrite

A heavily armed Citizenry, being useful to the paranoia of the Fringe Right, the right of children to keep and bear arms, for the purpose of shooting other children, shall be Sacrosanct.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 19 January 2014
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