Showing snippets written by Matt Birkenhauer.
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Ben Carson's Syllogism
All politicians exist.
I am not a politician.
Therefore, I do not exist.
Ayn Rand's Golden Rule
Love thyself above all else.
They neighbor? He can go to hell.
American Political Dictionary
The American People Think/Believe/Want: A phrase a politician employs when he or she is delusional enough to think that he or she speaks for 318 million people.
John Boehner's Confession to Pope Francis
Pope Francis Hears John Boehner's Confession
Assigns Him and the Republican Party 400,000 Hail Marys and 83, 000 Our Fathers as Penance for Pissing on the Poor
Grumpy Trumpy made quite a squall,
Grumpy Trumpy had a great fall.
All of Ailes' minions and all of Ailes' pundits
Couldn't put his Party together again.
"Hate the sin, not the sinner," he says exculpatorily, as he hungrily bites into his bacon and tomato sandwich that his second wife just prepared for him.
This Insult Won't Work
Given the genius and utility of the reproductive system of a flower, is there any point in telling a flower to go fuck itself?
Scandal in Washington!
John Boner, Mitch McCocklin, and Benjamin the Yahoo Caught In Sexual Congress
Steps Taking Action Steps to Implement Pre-plan Thwarted by Action Plan
CIA Director John Brennan, Under Waterboarding Administered by the Senate, Admits That Torture Is a Bad Idea
Another One Caught on Tape
Pro Running Back Joe Brawn Caught Stuffing His Wife's Body in His Freezer; NFL League Officials Suspicious
Howard Baker Dead at 88
Former Senator Howard Baker, the one-time Senate Majority leader known for his ability to reach across the aisle, dies, setting off an acrimonious debate in Congress over how non-partisan he was.
A Benghazi Minute
I sat down (Benghazi) to watch (Benghazi) FOX (Benghazi) News and was sitting (Benghazi) for about two (Benghazi) minutes before I saw still another (Benghazi) story about--you guessed it--Benghazi.
Rush Limbaugh's Ratings Drop
According to Arbitron, the bloviating conservative talk show host is now neck to neck with his ass. Rush's ass comes in a close second at 13 million viewers, just above Sean Hannity.
Speaker of the House Boehner Suffers a Stroke?
Paramedics were called into the capitol last night to treat Speaker of the House John Boehner for a suspected stroke. It turns out the Speaker was diagnosed instead with DFS (Dour Face Syndrome).
Texas Needs Dead Incubators
Texas to Harvest Brain-dead Women as Incubators. Says Gov. Rick Perry, "It's a way for the family of the deceased to help new life grow from a persistent vegetative state. It's win-win!"
Second Amendment Rewrite
A heavily armed Citizenry, being useful to the paranoia of the Fringe Right, the right of children to keep and bear arms, for the purpose of shooting other children, shall be Sacrosanct.
Senator Ted Cruz to Release Birth Certificate
Ted Cruz, potential POTUS candidate in 2016, is set to release his birth certificate today, to prove that he was not born in Prick-istan, as is commonly believed, even by many in his own Party.
Juror B-37 Goes Commercial
A Lifetime Movie Special: The Saga of Juror B-37: We Deliberated, We Anguished, We Cried Before Deciding That Poor Little Black Boy Got Exactly What He Deserved.
With Ann Coulter as Juror B-37
Jesus, on the Contemporary GOP (KJV, revised)
And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a modern-day Republican to enter into the kingdom of God.
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