Showing snippets written by Paul Blake.
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Don't Mess With Texas?
After a springtime full of heavy flooding and tornados, Texas is changing its famously assholeish state moto from 'Don't Mess With Texas!' to 'Texas Is A Mess, Don't Bother Coming!"
Divorcee Cuts Everything In Half!
Shitsville, Arkansas - An angry man took every possession him and his ex-wife had, and cut it in half - including Flopsy, the Shih-Tzu. "What-? said Ronny to the judge, "I gave the bitch both halves!"
Lindsay Graham Will Marry a Cousin if Elected
South Carolina senator and Presidential hopeful, Lindsay Graham, answered all of his nay-sayers, regarding his bachelorhood ways, stating that he has a bevy of good-looking cousins for first lady.
Hillary's Book, Hard Choices.
Sources close to Hillary admit she got the name for her biography, Hard Choices, after flick through her husband's stack of old VHS porno tapes. Apparently, it was one of Monica's least favorite.
One Direction - Arrested and Severely Beaten
Pop Band One Direction was pulled over by Miami police for going the wrong way down a one-way street. When they tried to explain, the confused officer, who hates pop music, started clubbing.
Cavs Decide To Go It Alone With LeBron
The Cleveland Cavaliers have decided to just let LeBron have the floor to himself in Game 3 of The NBA Finals. 'He's a big dude, he just needs a little more room to get it done," said coach Blatt.
One Song Responsible For Most Mass Phobia
Shrinks and Quacks with PHD's all agree that Steven Sondheim's song, 'Send In The Clowns' is responsible for almost 80% of all clown phobias. Smoke Robinson's 'Tears Of A Clown,' makes up the rest.
Man Prints 3D Gun, Shoots 4D Wife!
A man in Boston purchased a new 3D printer, and pressed the buttons for a small handgun and one bullet.
"Harold, you've been in the damn basement all day!" were the last words his wife ever said.
Most 'Hated' Phrase In America!
In a recent online survey, participants revealed that the most hated phrase in America seems to ironically be "Don't be Hatin'!"
Pot Used As Contraceptive!
Matt Kroner, 22, a Senior at Duke, read in one of his Medical Journals that pot can decrease your sperm count by 50%. Matt has now found his college thesis and is actively seeking other participants!
Ferguson Won't Be Out-Rioted!
Only hours after riots broke out on the streets of Baltimore, Ferguson, Missouri residents retaliated with their own riot, burning just one more cop car than the competition to regain the title.
Thomas The Tank Engine Loves Bon Jovi
The Island Of Sodor, UK - In a rare but enthusiastic interview, Thomas the Thank Engine admitted that Bon Jovi's music inspires him, when he and the gang are working hard all day, down by the docks.
Original Whitney Houston Lyrics Found
Who knew? Whitney's 1985 Smash Hit, 'Saving All My Love For You,' was originally penned for a porno flick. The original lyrics appear to have been, 'Shaving All My Muff For You.'
Santa Strikes Syria Off His List (Don't read this if you live in Syria with small children around you)
The North Pole - Santa announced on Friday that he will be steering well clear of Syria this year, siting the danger he felt of having a target on his back, by being a symbol of Christianity.
Clinton on Clinton
Sources close to Bill Clinton say that he is very nervous about the old ball-and-chain quitting her job and being around the house more often.
He may even put in for a new post in poor old Thailand.
The Most Perfect Stocking Stuffer.
A one-legged homeless man may have the need for the most fitting stocking stuffer ever! He asked the Santa who works the mall, where he lives in the bushes from time to time, for a prosthetic leg.
New Tazer App.
In the lastest "lawsuit waiting to happen" news, Zappit Inc. has just unveiled their new Tazer App, just in time for the holidays. Better hope you don't pocket dial yourself when this baby is on!
Todd Aiken hears from God.
Ousted Congressman, Todd Aiken (R-Mo.) sees face of God in church. Everyone saw it that day. God told him that he was a mistake and that he meant for Aiken to come out as a screaming gay liberal.
Nebraska Boys Grow Up Fast at Macy's Day Parade
A group of 12-year-olds from a Christian Fundamentalist boys group were front row for the annual parade.
After getting more than an eye-full from the Rockette's, nine out of ten of the boys approved.
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