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Oscar Pistorius treated in hospital for wrist injuries
This after he beat off 100 other inmates in an effort to make some friends in prison.
BBC 'very sorry' Sir Cliff 'suffered distress'
However the corporation then pointed out that Sir Cliff has caused the whole nation to suffer for almost 60 years with his music.
Cameron to start wearing blond wig.
David Cameron has adopted a blond wig look, hoping that this is the reason people forget Boris Johnson's tax dodging, illegitimate child and other scandals and still vote for him.
Corbyn to change name in attempt to appeal to voters
The Labour leader will hence forth be known as Lefty McLeftface as he attempts to avoid humiliation in the local elections set for march.
Assange to go free.
Teenage girls in West Kesington warned to lock themselves in their rooms.
'Yes, Prime Minister' to be shown to all MPs.
The classic comedy 'Yes Minister' and 'Yes, Prime Minister' is to be shown to all MPs. This after in the space of a week both Cameron and Corbyn stole comic policies from it for their own.
British Astronaut Tim Peake cuts Spacewalk short.
The tea delivery system built into his spacesuit didn't work correctly and he refused to carry on work with out a decent tea break.
Jeremy Corbyn replaces entire Shadow Cabinet with Bobble Head dolls made in his own image.
Jeremy Corbyn awarded knighthood in New Years Honours.
Corbyn was given the award for his services to the Tory Party, by making Labour an unelectable joke his leadership guarantees the Conservatives a permanent majority in the Commons.
Jose Mourinho likely to be sacked before Christmas.
However the Chelsea manager is now the bookies favourite to be the next Labour leader.
U2 Cancel Paris Show.
In the wake of the terrorist attack U2 cancelled a planned show in Paris. "I tink the city has suffered enuff with out having Bono behaving like a gobshite on stage." Drummer Larry Mullen said.
V&A to display Corbyn's suit.
In spite of turning down Baroness Thatcher's clothes the V&A museum is to display a suit belonging to Jeremy Corbyn. "Corbyn's suit will illustrate the modern tramp, next to one of Chaplin's Costumes"
Cameron had "sex with a pig"
Diane Abbot issues denial before reading whole story.
ITV announce new series of 'Love thy Neighbour'
Controversial sitcom about a white working class man and his black neighbour is to return this winter. "We feel that Eddie Booth, the bigoted socialist loudmouth would be a Corbynite" ITV said.
New Human like Creature discovered.
A primitive ancestor thought to be a missing link between apes and modern man has been discovered. Scientists think it was both backward and reactionary in nature and have named it Homo Corbynosis.
Miley Cyrus comes out as media whore
Although we have all known it for years the former Hannah Montana star today confirmed that she was indeed a media whore willing to do anything and everything to get column inches.
NME to be given away free.
The music paper has taken the decision after a survey showed that students were more likely to use freesheets such as The Metro for toilet paper rather than the traditional NME.
BBC Springwatch to get makeover
With the return of Hunting with Hounds in the Queens Speech, Springwatch will now be presented by Jeremy Clarkson and feature footage of dogs ripping Foxes and Badgers to death.
NFL stars to donate brains for medical research
Unfortunately the two unnamed players idea of removing each others brains with a table saw before sending them to USC went every so slightly wrong.
Woods pulls out with back injury.
Vonn said to be a little frustrated that he didn't finish.
Thierry Henry: Former Arsenal and France striker retires from football
He plans to make a bit to join the France Handball team for the Rio Olympics.
What is the difference between Russell Brand and David Mellor
One supports West Ham and the other supports Chelsea.
Alan Pardew: Newcastle manager backed by club owner Mike Ashley
David Moyes is expected to unveiled as the Magpies new boss on Wednesday.
Scottish independence: Queen 'above politics', Buckingham Palace says
However Prince Charles is not so will be sticking his nose in where it isn't wanted.
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