Showing breaking news satire snippets written by Oleg the Tumor.
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Argentina! Here we come!
Run for your lives, boys and girls and all you fat cats with brass hats! The little blowout preventer that could finally did!
written by Oleg the Tumor, 26 June 2012
Who won the French and Indian War?
The Indians, 1-0 in a game with over 200 extra innings!
written by Oleg the Tumor, 26 June 2012
Rubber Keyhole! Paper Asshole! Primed Number!
The firm of Sullivan and Cromwell will be closed tomorrow.
It seems they own the only ticket left M can't fit through the window at the same time. Much more trash to follow through this same porthole.
written by Oleg the Tumor, 26 June 2012
Doker Johnson with that bloody winking aire o his!
He better mind his snippeting-thier only two sentinels leftwatching t coast. Boson Higgs who is now 2 for 2 has the prime number packed into the rubber keyhole and stuffed tight with a paper asshole
written by Oleg the Tumor, 25 June 2012
Queen Mudder sails for Argentina!
Well, well, don't ye know. Cain slew Abel slew the friggin Pope, dint he? He hacked as fast as a cats Ass in a perfectly Queen Murder - er, Mudder, that is. She's got a 50 caliber Glock to her head!
written by Oleg the Tumor, 25 June 2012
Ahoy There! Found in a bottle of Napoleon's Best. Up you and yours! - Alexander Hamilton -September 11th, 1779
"Don't you think that the Cabal have reported that I declared in a public house in Philadelphia that it was high time for the people to rise, join general Washington and turn Congress out of doors" HA
written by Oleg the Tumor, 22 June 2012
Alphabet Soup Gang at It Again with "Jack Benny Cross Examination"
Jerk Killerkosky has a new weapon in the War on Drugs from Justice: Now, once the witness is sworn in, all the prosecution has to do is fold their arms and say, Well?
written by Oleg the Tumor, 18 June 2012
Punctuation for Sale! Free Quotes on Quotes Over Quota! Reduced to Lowercase for Quick Sale!
Great Savings Online! Fancy Bartlett Quotation Marks! Semicolonoscopy Supplies! Thesaurus Swabs! Dash for Dots and Dashes!This Month Ladies Special: A Free Period! proceeds go to Mark's boat payment
written by Oleg the Tumor, 18 June 2012
UFO Lands at Buckingham Palace by Special Request of The Crown
The hatch opens. Out pops this guy with a stupid plumed hat stinking like a whore.
"Bonjour, mon ami!" he says, waving cheerfully.
"Jaysus" said a footman, "Are we ever screwed!"
written by Oleg the Tumor, 18 June 2012
The Secret Irish Kitchen Police has been recalled to duty.
Footman positions also available. Own livery a must. Travel required. Apply within.
written by Oleg the Tumor, 17 June 2012
40 years to the day! Dreadnought "Nixon's Ghost" Heard in Pacific Gyre
On 40th anniversary of Watergate, the world trembles. Battleship said to be size of Italy. Message from Capt. Yoder Geronimo aboard newly renamed "Just Desserts": Hang on, already, we'll get there!
written by Oleg the Tumor, 17 June 2012
James Bond Shoots up Amarillo Casino leaves Electric Pinapple Without a Manager or Tour!
"They about to be kidnapped by the French," said 007, holding up his well worn license to protect The Crown's interests. Napoeonic Law can be a problem when its next door. No cowboy drives a Peugeot!
written by Oleg the Tumor, 17 June 2012
Income Opportunities in Social Media Opening Up
Hard economic times cause hard decisions. To charge, or not to charge others, for access to your wall, page, site, whatever. Ten Bucks? You're no friend of mine!
written by Oleg the Tumor, 17 June 2012
Pointing Epidemic Spreads to All Points!
It all started with that damn cartoon by Thomas Nast, with everybody pointing at the guy next to him!
(Writer, pointing at reader) How about you? Is it all your fault? Who else? Confess!
written by Oleg the Tumor, 17 June 2012
French Acadamie Reply Team (FART) to Irish Astronomy: What Gaul!
"We FART in your general direction!" they said. FART issued a challenge bonus question to Irish astronomers: So! Which is closer? The Moon or Canada? HA! You can see the moon, no?"
written by Oleg the Tumor, 17 June 2012
Drug Czar to AMA: Get a Law Degree or stop talking about pot!
Jerk Killerkowske, Director of "The Alphabet Soup Gang," declared Pot a legal issue, not a medical one. Effective immediately, Dr.s must first pass the Bar in all 50 states to proscribe Cannabis.
written by Oleg the Tumor, 17 June 2012
game show host captures escaped Nazi.
"So all the lights come on, flashing like they're supposed to, it's all fun and games right? But, this guy just goes ape shit and I mean completely ape shit! Who's a Nazi? What is this a game show?
written by Oleg the Tumor, 16 June 2012
Crackdown on Comedy Websites-Danger Level at "Burnt Ocher-In-the-Fucking Shade"
spoof.com pledges to "Keep Freedom's light ON - even if we have to burn all of the Lindsay Lohan material. It's that important."
written by Oleg the Tumor, 16 June 2012
More Arrests in Pretty Large Array, Logan Act Probe: But the Whole Damn Chess Team?!
Truth or Consequences, New Mexico - They've Been Playing Chess with Aliens since 1975? "Unprecedented" Violations of Logan Act Discovered! But what does "gambit declined." mean?
written by Oleg the Tumor, 16 June 2012
Arizona Woman Brings "Fast and Furious" Souvenir to Famous Las Vegas Pawn Shop
"Cut," screamed a tall bald guy behind the counter.
"Not so fast there, son," said a kinder, older man dressed all in black, as he counted out stacks of Benjamin's - this woman's come a long way…
written by Oleg the Tumor, 16 June 2012
Another "Famous Name Prize" Downgrade
The latest "Famous Name" prize to fall on hard times - "The Henry Oh Short Story competition" - will award a free farm to the next winner, provided they have a site for it.
written by Oleg the Tumor, 16 June 2012
Two Gay Websites Marry In Virtual Church.
But what if it doesn't work out? Who's supposed take custody of all the bastards snippets?
written by Oleg the Tumor, 16 June 2012
Washington To Give DEA Sweeping Powers of Arrest
DOJ empowers "Jack Benny" arrest warrants.
Whats a Jack Benny arrest warrant?
I'm thinking about it!
written by Oleg the Tumor, 16 June 2012
German tire company reopens contract negotiations with 30 foot tall Logo/ Mascot/Distributor
"First, those two jerks from accounting-Fired!
Not negotiable. Let's see you fight a hundred foot tall gas pump with a couple of bean counters climbing up your ass!"
written by Oleg the Tumor, 16 June 2012
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