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Wet Wet Wet

A classic song by Billy Ocean has been re-released after being used in a new TV advert for KY Jelly. Promoters are certain that "Love Really Hurts Without You" will hit the number one spot this week.

written by CaptainSausage, 29 May 2014
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Hashtag "Tache Hag"

Recent Eurovision winner and bearded transsexual Conchita Wurst has distanced himself from insinuations that this is not the first time an Austrian with bad facial hair has tried to conquer Europe.

written by CaptainSausage, 25 May 2014
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The Sound of Pubic

Julie Andrews has appeared in an advert for STD cream singing a version of one of a classic song from The Sound of Music.
"Anal lice, Anal lice. Every morning you greet me."

written by CaptainSausage, 08 May 2014
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Bitches Bee Crazy

A nest of bees was found at Dorking dog pound and removed. The insects were driving the animals wild with their constant buzzing and stinging.

One dog said, "I kennel complain, but I'm a beegle".

written by CaptainSausage, 29 April 2014
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Staines washed away; Bath overflowing

All across the south of England, towns are drowning in floods. Not since the imaginary flooding which spared only the smug ark-building Biblical character Noah has so much water been seen on land.

written by CaptainSausage, 10 February 2014
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written by CaptainSausage, 20 October 2013
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Styles Mum styles son

Harry Styles is well known as a singer with the internationally successful pop band One Direction. But his mother has not seen him in 6 months and has begun building a replacement son out of Marmite.

written by CaptainSausage, 24 August 2013
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Doctor promises amazing weight loss results

Patients have reported incredible weight loss, losing pounds overnight, at Doctor Wang's Weight Adjustment Amputation Clinic.

written by CaptainSausage, 08 August 2013
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New royal baby named

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have named their new baby, who could one day be king. He will be named after another king and called Cnut.
The pair are said to have chosen the name "for the lulz".

written by CaptainSausage, 23 July 2013
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Prescott resigns from Privy Council

"Sorry," he said. "I've blocked it up now and it won't flush!"

written by CaptainSausage, 06 July 2013
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Anticapitalist protesters cause trouble

An anticapitalist group are protesting in Belfast today, saying that the time for capitalising words is over.

"i think we should just rite in small letters," said one participant.

written by CaptainSausage, 15 June 2013
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Shergar found

Shergar found...in a McDonalds burger.

written by CaptainSausage, 09 February 2013
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70s glam rock Mud make comeback in China

The Chinese are going crazy for 70s glam rockers Mud, in the confused belief that their number 1 hit record "Tiger Feet" is a genuine aphrodisiac.

written by CaptainSausage, 05 January 2013
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Stephen Hawking porno film released

Stephen Hawking Does Black Holes is available on the internet now.

written by CaptainSausage, 01 December 2012
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Microsoft sues Apple over patents

Microsoft has sued Apple for $9 billion following its recent actions. A Microsoft spokesman says that they has a patent on "being a douchebag company" and "having a dick for a CEO."

written by CaptainSausage, 28 August 2012
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First muppet on the moon dies

The Count, the first muppet on the moon, has sadly died this week. He was known for his 1969 moon trip, when he famously said "One small step for a man. Ah ah ah. Two small steps for a man. Ah ah ah!"

written by CaptainSausage, 26 August 2012
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Swiss stadium name anticlimax

The England football team were disappointed that they had to play a game against Italy tonight. They had been informed that they were going to Wankdorf.

written by CaptainSausage, 15 August 2012
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New Olympic sport announced

Just two days before the Olympic Games begin, a new sport has been added to the event - Moaning.

Britain is sure to get gold, as famous whinging Londoner Mona Lott will moan about the Olympics.

written by CaptainSausage, 25 July 2012
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Recession begins to hit murderers

The UK's murder rate is at its lowest for 30 years.

Murderers blame the recession. "I can't afford fuel for my van any more, so I've had to cut down on the murdering," said one poor killer.

written by CaptainSausage, 20 July 2012
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Census points to increase in scum

The Daily Muck has analysed UK 2011 census data and concluded there are 20% more scum than in 2001.

The paper had campaigned unsuccessfully to have the question "Are you scum?" added to the census.

written by CaptainSausage, 16 July 2012
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China crisis?

With growth of only 7.6% this year, the Chinese economy is clearly in deep trouble.

written by CaptainSausage, 13 July 2012
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Englishman reaches final of Wimbledon

Jeremy Gusset will be the first Englishman to participate in the Wimbledon final for 73 years. He will be head ballboy.

written by CaptainSausage, 06 July 2012
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Brian Cox's Merkin Parade postponed

The astronomer/TV presenter had to put off his parade of pubic wigs through the streets of Manchester after rain was forecast.

"We didn't want the merkins to get wet," he said. "They might shrink."

written by CaptainSausage, 23 June 2012
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Scooby Doo redubbed for Korean TV

Scooby Doo is now being shown on Korean TV, but has been renamed "Happy Delicious Dog Mystery Gang". Every week at the end of the show, Scooby Doo is inexplicably eaten by Shaggy and the others.

written by CaptainSausage, 22 June 2012
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