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70s glam rock Mud make comeback in China
The Chinese are going crazy for 70s glam rockers Mud, in the confused belief that their number 1 hit record "Tiger Feet" is a genuine aphrodisiac.
Stephen Hawking porno film released
Stephen Hawking Does Black Holes is available on the internet now.
Microsoft sues Apple over patents
Microsoft has sued Apple for $9 billion following its recent actions. A Microsoft spokesman says that they has a patent on "being a douchebag company" and "having a dick for a CEO."
First muppet on the moon dies
The Count, the first muppet on the moon, has sadly died this week. He was known for his 1969 moon trip, when he famously said "One small step for a man. Ah ah ah. Two small steps for a man. Ah ah ah!"
Swiss stadium name anticlimax
The England football team were disappointed that they had to play a game against Italy tonight. They had been informed that they were going to Wankdorf.
New Olympic sport announced
Just two days before the Olympic Games begin, a new sport has been added to the event - Moaning.
Britain is sure to get gold, as famous whinging Londoner Mona Lott will moan about the Olympics.
Recession begins to hit murderers
The UK's murder rate is at its lowest for 30 years.
Murderers blame the recession. "I can't afford fuel for my van any more, so I've had to cut down on the murdering," said one poor killer.
Census points to increase in scum
The Daily Muck has analysed UK 2011 census data and concluded there are 20% more scum than in 2001.
The paper had campaigned unsuccessfully to have the question "Are you scum?" added to the census.
China crisis?
With growth of only 7.6% this year, the Chinese economy is clearly in deep trouble.
Englishman reaches final of Wimbledon
Jeremy Gusset will be the first Englishman to participate in the Wimbledon final for 73 years. He will be head ballboy.
Brian Cox's Merkin Parade postponed
The astronomer/TV presenter had to put off his parade of pubic wigs through the streets of Manchester after rain was forecast.
"We didn't want the merkins to get wet," he said. "They might shrink."
Scooby Doo redubbed for Korean TV
Scooby Doo is now being shown on Korean TV, but has been renamed "Happy Delicious Dog Mystery Gang". Every week at the end of the show, Scooby Doo is inexplicably eaten by Shaggy and the others.
China sends woman into space
It was the only way to stop her yakking, says Chinese Space Institute engineer.
Hunchback of Hot Damn!
Black Eyed Peas' singer Fergie has begun to develop a hunchback, which can often strike later in life. She has said she is pleased with her "hump, my hump, my hump. My lovely lady hump!"
Cameron on successful trade mission to Japan
David Cameron praised a new trade agreement between Britain and Japan. In return for being renamed "Hello Kitty Island" Britain will get 300 tonnes of whalemeat and a karaoke machine for every school.
France has too many foreigners says Sarkozy
They're called French people.
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