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UKIP drip whipped for lip slip
A UKIP candidate withdrew from election today after apparently racist comments.
Jim Hitler explained, "I'm not a racist. I was suffering from back pain - the leading cause of racist outbursts."
After travelling 4 billion miles, the Rosetta space probe landed on a comet today. But operators from the European Space Agency were shocked to find that the craft was immediately clamped.
Wet Wet Wet
A classic song by Billy Ocean has been re-released after being used in a new TV advert for KY Jelly. Promoters are certain that "Love Really Hurts Without You" will hit the number one spot this week.
Hashtag "Tache Hag"
Recent Eurovision winner and bearded transsexual Conchita Wurst has distanced himself from insinuations that this is not the first time an Austrian with bad facial hair has tried to conquer Europe.
The Sound of Pubic
Julie Andrews has appeared in an advert for STD cream singing a version of one of a classic song from The Sound of Music.
"Anal lice, Anal lice. Every morning you greet me."
Bitches Bee Crazy
A nest of bees was found at Dorking dog pound and removed. The insects were driving the animals wild with their constant buzzing and stinging.
One dog said, "I kennel complain, but I'm a beegle".
Staines washed away; Bath overflowing
All across the south of England, towns are drowning in floods. Not since the imaginary flooding which spared only the smug ark-building Biblical character Noah has so much water been seen on land.
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Styles Mum styles son
Harry Styles is well known as a singer with the internationally successful pop band One Direction. But his mother has not seen him in 6 months and has begun building a replacement son out of Marmite.
Doctor promises amazing weight loss results
Patients have reported incredible weight loss, losing pounds overnight, at Doctor Wang's Weight Adjustment Amputation Clinic.
New royal baby named
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have named their new baby, who could one day be king. He will be named after another king and called Cnut.
The pair are said to have chosen the name "for the lulz".
Prescott resigns from Privy Council
"Sorry," he said. "I've blocked it up now and it won't flush!"
Anticapitalist protesters cause trouble
An anticapitalist group are protesting in Belfast today, saying that the time for capitalising words is over.
"i think we should just rite in small letters," said one participant.
Shergar found...in a McDonalds burger.
70s glam rock Mud make comeback in China
The Chinese are going crazy for 70s glam rockers Mud, in the confused belief that their number 1 hit record "Tiger Feet" is a genuine aphrodisiac.
Stephen Hawking porno film released
Stephen Hawking Does Black Holes is available on the internet now.
Microsoft sues Apple over patents
Microsoft has sued Apple for $9 billion following its recent actions. A Microsoft spokesman says that they has a patent on "being a douchebag company" and "having a dick for a CEO."
First muppet on the moon dies
The Count, the first muppet on the moon, has sadly died this week. He was known for his 1969 moon trip, when he famously said "One small step for a man. Ah ah ah. Two small steps for a man. Ah ah ah!"
Swiss stadium name anticlimax
The England football team were disappointed that they had to play a game against Italy tonight. They had been informed that they were going to Wankdorf.
New Olympic sport announced
Just two days before the Olympic Games begin, a new sport has been added to the event - Moaning.
Britain is sure to get gold, as famous whinging Londoner Mona Lott will moan about the Olympics.
Recession begins to hit murderers
The UK's murder rate is at its lowest for 30 years.
Murderers blame the recession. "I can't afford fuel for my van any more, so I've had to cut down on the murdering," said one poor killer.
Census points to increase in scum
The Daily Muck has analysed UK 2011 census data and concluded there are 20% more scum than in 2001.
The paper had campaigned unsuccessfully to have the question "Are you scum?" added to the census.
With growth of only 7.6% this year, the Chinese economy is clearly in deep trouble.
Englishman reaches final of Wimbledon
Jeremy Gusset will be the first Englishman to participate in the Wimbledon final for 73 years. He will be head ballboy.
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