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Get Me Back In
A mum laughed so hard at a Michael McIntyre gig she went into labour! Unsurprisingly upon arrival the baby demanded to go back in
A Liverpool fan snuck into the Merseyside derby by pretending he was disabled. Don't know why there's outrage half of Liverpool are normally running a disability scam
"Utility" player Eric Dier is in the England squad. They call him a "Utility" player because he plays like a toilet.
Britain and France will work together in developing the next generation of missiles. Much like the old ones they'll primarily be used in hitting hospitals and schools by accident
Benefit fraud jumped to £1.3billion a year last year! Which is just enough to pay for Iain Duncan Smiths breakfast
Peers in the House of Lords believe young people are under pressure to act like porn stars. Agreed. People are always trying to do plumbing with no qualifications
Eat The Rich
MPs want to bring back fox hunting. So they can get in practice for when they chase the greatest game of all. The poor
Scientists have found sharks that live in a "active underground volcano" or as I call it "Bond villain HQ"
Robbie Williams has apologised for boozy Brits holidaying in Spain. So I'll take this chance to apologise for Robbie Williams
One Direction are to pursue solo projects. So instead of one terrible album were getting five. Hang on....lads get back together!
Two drunk Man United fans were arrested on Wednesday. Sources say they were talking about winning the Champions league
The MOD have spent "£2million" on parties in the last year! Celebrating the success of Iraq, Libya and Afghanistan I presume
The SNP want to lower the retirement age in Scotland because their life expectancy is shorter. Same reasoning suggests we give drug addicts time off from work because their often so fucking high
David Cameron has promised to double the amount of "cut price started homes" so expect a shanty town to be built on the outskirts of Leeds
The Tories say that the "North will not be left behind" as Britain prospers. Of course it won't. We'll be concreted over to make a car park for everyone in London's second cars
Stupid Kid Back Then
Experts are warning parents against the dangers of "Loom bands" as 4 children got them stuck up in their nose. Shouldn't we just be warning parents about the stupidity of their children?
Deaths from heart disease are falling as more Brits commit suicide at a earlier age
The Grim Face Of Politics
Ed Miliband, Alex Salmond and Stephen Gault in a governmental coalition? The political equivalent of wanking with sandpaper
Kate In Sickness Fear
Princess Kate has been told to "stay away from work" due to her morning sickness. How will the economy cope without her smiling and waving when told?
Walking a mile a day cuts the risk of someone dying of cancer. But it also increases your chances of being hit by a bus
X-Factor Of The North
The X-Factor is back! With a Game Of Thrones style advert. Hopefully this means a revamp of the show and somebody might cut Mel B's head off
British diplomats have spent £16K on cigars this year all while the NHS is having to perform operations with chip forks thanks to cutbacks
Whine About Wine
MPs will vote on whether or not wine bottles should have warning labels on them. Hopefully we'll be seeing vintage reds saying "Tastes like shit"
A study has said that the long term inhalation of wood smoke can damage your IQ. Nonsense. Fire is red and good and hot and good. And good.
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