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The Last Words You Will Ever Hear
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Horse Boxing Now Legal
A parliamentary bill has declared that horse boxing is now legal. The first event will be after Royal Ascot. This is real progress as only chimpanzee's and kangaroo's were allowed box before.
England Only Score One Goal
England lost to Italy last night in a somewhat profligate display from the three lions front-line. The press called for more finishers but only Englishers can play for England, finishers for Finland.
Last Dinosaur dies
The last Dinosaur on Earth has died today. The Jokeasaurus died after laughing for 48 hours. This is extremely sad news after the Bantersaurus Rex was presumed dead after he got lost in the forest.
Budd Yolly at the Criquets
A cricketer stood at the wicket, the ball was thrown but he was very slow and then couldn't realise what had happened. He'd been stumped.
Millerbound Not Up To Job
Eid Minivans urf den ladel pratty hasbeen demeaned unfeit for his yob. Hay war fund cobbing in de kroner office orifice. He heady cawed iynd mushroom lead incest away. Chimeraman now leat both prattys
Tree says inflammatory thing
Simon Sycamore has been branded a snob today after declaring that he was the greatest tree in the land. He was well advised to remember his roots the next time he decided to open his big trunkhole.
Little Rat Becomes PM
A little rat has won the the vote of prime minister! He'll take office on Monday. He's promised more cheese, cables (not Vince) and spinny wheels. Everyone must also have their tails inspected monthly
Ferguson still pulling the strings
It has come to the attention of the football world that Alex Ferguson was the reason Gerrard slipped in his match. He had strings attached to him and gave them a yank right as he was receiving a pass.
Latest figures out
Results published this morning have revealed that 2% grew by 5% in the first quarter of the year. 59% is down 11% on this time last year whilst 28% is expected to rise after recent news from the 73%.
Fan Shows Real Flare
A polish football fan was accidentally set on fire this week by a steward who tried to extinguish his flare with some tear gas. An inquiry has opened up to try and shed light on the issue. True story.
TGU To Strike on Wednesday
The True Ghosts Union will strike over unfair spooking conditions and low pay rates. They are concerned about the lack of mirrors to appear in and chairs to rock. They also prefer bone money to human.
The Health Inspector Dies
The health inspector has tragically died after slipping on one of his signs and choking on a cucumber. He turned up drunk anyway. This means everbody can carry on with all their unsafe things forever.
Political Madness Gone Mad
Luke Warm was sacked for suggesting a mad tie day at work. People thought he was being racist so he was given his p45 by human racehorses. Halibut Hall will soon replace him doing whatever he did.
One chicken crossed the road
Two chickens called Daisy and Dozy tried to cross the road recently. Daisy got across ok but Dozy was nearsighted and had awful narcolepsy at really bad times. The bus dryer had its lices taken away.
Wizadora Cast Member Arrested in drugs bust
Filbert the squeaking plant from 90's kids TV show Wizadora has been sent down for 46 years for cultivating a massive marijuana plantation. This comes after Tatty Bogle was killed for being annoying.
Beastly creature dines on City
Today New York City was eaten alive! The Big Worm crawled out of The Big Apple and ate all from East to West. It gobbled The Statue and all the horses that are there. Some big mouth then ate the apple
Pressure growing for Moyes sacking
David Moyes is close to the sack at Man Utd after it was revealed he'd burnt some toast this morning, mixed his whites with colours and filled his diesel car with petrol. He also wore odd socks once.
Dog causes chaos
A 700 foot dog left London in a huge wreak. He ran away from his owner, got confused at big ben and his long swishy tail smashed everything. The dog carried on woofing though as if nothing happened.
Siri Admitted to Hospital
Siri was admitted to hospital last night and is today in critical condition. A man told it to just shutup, with Siri then asking 'U Wot M8'? The man lost his temper and then beat Siri almost to death.
Look ma', no hands
A man died after trying to dry his hands using a windmill. He bought a crane, ascended to the blades, held his hands out and they were chopped off. It's the first windmill related death in history.
The days of running in straight lines over and over, standing around for ages doing nothing and panicking about the nearest nimbus' are over. Cricket has finished and it will never return, hallelujah.
Man Eats Full Gateaux
A man from the town of 'Pity Me' has died today after eating an entire Double Deluxe Chocolate Gateaux. It's believed the man showed no prior warning signs. Friends said it was very out of character.
Young woman has sex with ghost cow in a caravan
Wait, what? Yes you read that right. What is this world coming to eh?
The cow did not want to be named for obvious reasons and has since fled to Brazil, where he works in a mincing factory
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