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Gene Simmons Finally Discovers Consequences of Getting Married

Gene Simmons, KISS legend/reality star, finally wed longtime galpal Shannon Tweed. During the ceremony, after the pair traded vows, Simmons' testicles fell off and rolled under Tweed's waiting feet.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 21 October 2011
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Perry, Romney, Agree to Old-Fashioned Pistol Duel if Necessary

Texas Gov. Rick Perry and Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney have agreed to an Old West-style gunfight if they are the two finalists in the GOP primary election. It's not like they really like each other!

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 21 October 2011
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Bachmann Unexpectedly Earns Clinton's Full Support

Michele Bachmann, GOP presidential hopeful, earned political support of former president Bill Clinton, a Democrat. Clinton saw her eating a footlong corndog in Iowa and said "She's the one for me!"

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 21 October 2011
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Cain and Obama to Play Hoops for White House

Herman Cain, if nominated by the GOP, says he has accepted a challenge from President Obama to play a game of one-on-one for the presidency. "This will save the voters alot of time trying to decide".

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 21 October 2011
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Ah-nold "Spermanator" Schwartzeneger Getting Reacquainted With Movie Acting

Arnold Schwartzeneger, recently dumped by his wife for spreading his seed in foreign soil, has decided to return to the movies. All of his earnings will go to pay loads of child support and alimony.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 20 May 2011
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Justin Bieber Caught With Embarrassing Photo of Pippa

Fans are shocked to hear that Justin Bieber was caught red-handed (and red-faced)using a photo of Pippa Middleton to pleasure himself in his tourbus. He was heard moaning "I wish I were a princess!!"

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 14 May 2011
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Bi-polarism Finally Put Into Layman's Terms

A prominent psychiatrist has simplified the definition of "bi-polar" so that the general public may understand it: "Some days, you feel like the top dog, while others you feel like the fire hydrant."

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 14 May 2011
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Man Has Negative Experience With Vacuum Cleaner

A man was found unconscious on his living room floor after using his vacuum cleaner as a sex toy. He passed out after getting his manhood stuck. Once revived, all the man could say was "That sucked!"

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 14 April 2011
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Sarah Palin Hires Heavy Hitters For Presidential Exploratory Committee

Sarah Palin is again planning to run for president and has been advised to put together an exploratory committee to assess her chances. She asked explorers Bob Ballard and Jacques Cousteu Jr. to help.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 14 April 2011
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Donald Trump and Glenn Beck Make Major Announcement

Donald Trump and Glenn Beck, both staunch capitalists, have announced they're running together for the White House, but neither can decide who should be boss. They'll flip for it with a gold coin.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 12 April 2011
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Guy Playing Indiana Jones Hurts Himself Trying to Stop Criminal, Gets Shot in Process

A man tried to use a bullwhip to slap the gun out of a robber's hand. The assailant was uninjured as the whip missed him and recoiled into the man's face, cutting his cheek. Then the robber shot him.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 09 April 2011
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Sheen To Start Sex Superstore Once Tour Is In The Can

Charlie Sheen's decided to open a national chain of sexual-oriented superstores, calling it Sex Toys 'R Us. It will feature hard-to-find items as well as the old standbys, things winners use everyday.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 09 April 2011
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"Deliverance" Transformed Into Opera, Squealing and All

"Deliverance", the 1972 film about the great outdoors and what shouldn't go on out there, will become an opera at Carnegie Hall. Ned Beatty's role will be performed by a falsetto, for obvious reasons.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 09 April 2011
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Clark Kent Has Problems Suiting Up For Night Job, Phone Booth Nowhere to be Found

Due to the increasing proliferation of cell phones, phone booths are almost extinct. Clark Kent found out the hard way trying to find one. He wound up having to change into Superman in a broom closet.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 09 April 2011
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Three Other Guys Look More Like George Clooney Than Even He Does

The real George Clooney secretly participated in a George Clooney lookalike contest in Hollywood his week, and out of the top ten contestants who looked most like him, George himself came in fourth.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 08 April 2011
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Aging Actresses Fearful That High-Def TV Will Put Them Out Of Business

A growing group of aging actresses in their late 30's and older are banding together to protest high resolution television broadcasting, fearing it will highlight all their wrinkles and imperfections.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 07 April 2011
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Judge Discovers Defense Attorney Is Incompetent

During a trial, the judge asks the defense attorney to recite the penal code, thinking he's an idiot. The lawyer answers "let me remind your honor this is not a rape case, so penises are irrelevant."

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 07 April 2011
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Helpful Man Unwittingly Gives Away Fortune to Lost Traveler

A man helps out a lost traveler by writing directions down on the back of a lottery ticket and giving it to him. Ticket turned out to be jackpot winner, and the first thing winner's buying is a GPS.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 05 April 2011
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Obama's Showing the Stresses of the Presidency, Bush Anticipated a Call Eventually

White House officials for President Obama used the services of a remote viewer to locate the place President Bush hid the key to the liquor cabinet. Bush expected this would happen sooner or later.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 05 April 2011
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Kate Plus Octomom Divided by FedEx Guy Equals Disaster

Kate Gosselin had Octomom and her litter over for a playdate, but things went from mildly amusing to downright weird, as a fight broke out not over toys but the FedEx guy. Both women wanted him badly!

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 05 April 2011
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Vet Plays God, Forces Unholy Union in Dog World

Veterinarian with a cruel sense of humor has mixed a Chihuahua with a Great Dane. If the mother's the Chihuahua, she'll die giving birth, but if she's the Great Dane, the pups will die from the fall.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 04 April 2011
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Madonna to Donate Her Body to Science, But Only After She's Gone

Madonna plans to donate her body to science when she dies. The specific area of science she has selected is human sexual study. Masters and Johnson thanks her but has no idea what to do with the body.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 04 April 2011
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Kids Learn How Not to Make Babies, Parents Glad They're Not Ready Yet

Fifty small kids were horrified and their parents amused when one of the puppets in show they were watching suddenly lost its head after it and another puppet demonstrated how the birds and bees work.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 04 April 2011
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Montezuma Express Bullet Train to Begin Operations in Mexico

Mexico plans to launch its first bullet train traveling from Mexico City to San Antonio in 2 hours. It'll be non-stop except for short layover in Nueva Laredo to load illegals in baggage compartment.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 04 April 2011
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