Showing snippets written by C. Lance the Freelance.
Show all snippets.
Gene Simmons Finally Discovers Consequences of Getting Married
Gene Simmons, KISS legend/reality star, finally wed longtime galpal Shannon Tweed. During the ceremony, after the pair traded vows, Simmons' testicles fell off and rolled under Tweed's waiting feet.
Perry, Romney, Agree to Old-Fashioned Pistol Duel if Necessary
Texas Gov. Rick Perry and Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney have agreed to an Old West-style gunfight if they are the two finalists in the GOP primary election. It's not like they really like each other!
Bachmann Unexpectedly Earns Clinton's Full Support
Michele Bachmann, GOP presidential hopeful, earned political support of former president Bill Clinton, a Democrat. Clinton saw her eating a footlong corndog in Iowa and said "She's the one for me!"
Cain and Obama to Play Hoops for White House
Herman Cain, if nominated by the GOP, says he has accepted a challenge from President Obama to play a game of one-on-one for the presidency. "This will save the voters alot of time trying to decide".
Ah-nold "Spermanator" Schwartzeneger Getting Reacquainted With Movie Acting
Arnold Schwartzeneger, recently dumped by his wife for spreading his seed in foreign soil, has decided to return to the movies. All of his earnings will go to pay loads of child support and alimony.
Justin Bieber Caught With Embarrassing Photo of Pippa
Fans are shocked to hear that Justin Bieber was caught red-handed (and red-faced)using a photo of Pippa Middleton to pleasure himself in his tourbus. He was heard moaning "I wish I were a princess!!"
Bi-polarism Finally Put Into Layman's Terms
A prominent psychiatrist has simplified the definition of "bi-polar" so that the general public may understand it: "Some days, you feel like the top dog, while others you feel like the fire hydrant."
Man Has Negative Experience With Vacuum Cleaner
A man was found unconscious on his living room floor after using his vacuum cleaner as a sex toy. He passed out after getting his manhood stuck. Once revived, all the man could say was "That sucked!"
Sarah Palin Hires Heavy Hitters For Presidential Exploratory Committee
Sarah Palin is again planning to run for president and has been advised to put together an exploratory committee to assess her chances. She asked explorers Bob Ballard and Jacques Cousteu Jr. to help.
Donald Trump and Glenn Beck Make Major Announcement
Donald Trump and Glenn Beck, both staunch capitalists, have announced they're running together for the White House, but neither can decide who should be boss. They'll flip for it with a gold coin.
Guy Playing Indiana Jones Hurts Himself Trying to Stop Criminal, Gets Shot in Process
A man tried to use a bullwhip to slap the gun out of a robber's hand. The assailant was uninjured as the whip missed him and recoiled into the man's face, cutting his cheek. Then the robber shot him.
Sheen To Start Sex Superstore Once Tour Is In The Can
Charlie Sheen's decided to open a national chain of sexual-oriented superstores, calling it Sex Toys 'R Us. It will feature hard-to-find items as well as the old standbys, things winners use everyday.
"Deliverance" Transformed Into Opera, Squealing and All
"Deliverance", the 1972 film about the great outdoors and what shouldn't go on out there, will become an opera at Carnegie Hall. Ned Beatty's role will be performed by a falsetto, for obvious reasons.
Clark Kent Has Problems Suiting Up For Night Job, Phone Booth Nowhere to be Found
Due to the increasing proliferation of cell phones, phone booths are almost extinct. Clark Kent found out the hard way trying to find one. He wound up having to change into Superman in a broom closet.
Three Other Guys Look More Like George Clooney Than Even He Does
The real George Clooney secretly participated in a George Clooney lookalike contest in Hollywood his week, and out of the top ten contestants who looked most like him, George himself came in fourth.
Aging Actresses Fearful That High-Def TV Will Put Them Out Of Business
A growing group of aging actresses in their late 30's and older are banding together to protest high resolution television broadcasting, fearing it will highlight all their wrinkles and imperfections.
Judge Discovers Defense Attorney Is Incompetent
During a trial, the judge asks the defense attorney to recite the penal code, thinking he's an idiot. The lawyer answers "let me remind your honor this is not a rape case, so penises are irrelevant."
Helpful Man Unwittingly Gives Away Fortune to Lost Traveler
A man helps out a lost traveler by writing directions down on the back of a lottery ticket and giving it to him. Ticket turned out to be jackpot winner, and the first thing winner's buying is a GPS.
Obama's Showing the Stresses of the Presidency, Bush Anticipated a Call Eventually
White House officials for President Obama used the services of a remote viewer to locate the place President Bush hid the key to the liquor cabinet. Bush expected this would happen sooner or later.
Kate Plus Octomom Divided by FedEx Guy Equals Disaster
Kate Gosselin had Octomom and her litter over for a playdate, but things went from mildly amusing to downright weird, as a fight broke out not over toys but the FedEx guy. Both women wanted him badly!
Vet Plays God, Forces Unholy Union in Dog World
Veterinarian with a cruel sense of humor has mixed a Chihuahua with a Great Dane. If the mother's the Chihuahua, she'll die giving birth, but if she's the Great Dane, the pups will die from the fall.
Madonna to Donate Her Body to Science, But Only After She's Gone
Madonna plans to donate her body to science when she dies. The specific area of science she has selected is human sexual study. Masters and Johnson thanks her but has no idea what to do with the body.
Kids Learn How Not to Make Babies, Parents Glad They're Not Ready Yet
Fifty small kids were horrified and their parents amused when one of the puppets in show they were watching suddenly lost its head after it and another puppet demonstrated how the birds and bees work.
Montezuma Express Bullet Train to Begin Operations in Mexico
Mexico plans to launch its first bullet train traveling from Mexico City to San Antonio in 2 hours. It'll be non-stop except for short layover in Nueva Laredo to load illegals in baggage compartment.
Send To A Friend
Send this site to a friend!
RSS & Feeds
The Spoof is proud to present all its stories as RSS Feeds.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!